I remember, as a kid, shopping for Christmas gifts for the adults in my household – a can of sardines for Nana, a dime store coffee mug for Mom, a bottle of Aqua Velva for Dad. I don’t remember where the funds came from. I didn’t get an allowance, so it might have been Dad handing me $10 or maybe it was money I’d gotten from pet sitting or something.
Anyhoo, my son is 12, and the thought of buying presents for Mom and Dad does not seem to have entered his head. He is not an otherwise selfish or self-absorbed kid, but for him, Christmas seems to be about receiving, not giving.
I think there’d be some value in handing him $20, dropping him off at the shopping center, and telling him, “Buy a gift for your dad. Here are some suggestions. I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour.” I don’t think it would occur to my husband to do the same with him. (And it’s all coming out of my income, anyway. My husband is unemployed by choice. Let’s not go there.) I guess I could hand my son $40 and tell him to buy gifts for both of us, but that seems weird. I don’t want the message to be “You need to buy me something.” The message is, “Think about others.”
My parents never expected gifts from my brother and I when we were kids, mostly because they gave us all our money, and the last thing they wanted was to pay us to get them a random tie or coffee mug when they could just buy themselves something they really wanted.
But also, the holidays were very much downplayed in our house. We learned the value of gifts and money, but we also got little presents all year, as rewards for good grades, achievements, and just random happy surprises. That ensured nobody had to go gift-crazy around the holidays.
In more recent years, we continue the tradition our own way. If I think of something my parents want, I get it for them (or sometimes ask first), but we don’t always exchange gifts at this time of year, and nobody gets offended or takes anything personally.
I don’t have kids, but I don’t think it would be inappropriate to suggest your son engage in gift-giving. Some people are natural gift-givers while others have to be taught.
If you don’t feel comfortable giving him money and if he’s in any way creative, suggest that he make his dad something. Help him come up with ideas and carry them out, if he’s not really creative. One Christmas, my neices tie-dyed t-shirts and hankerchiefs and gave them out as presents. They had fun doing it and the shirts turned out awesome. He could also make cookies (what’s a better present for a teacher?) or write up a special coupon–like one week’s worth of kitchen duty.
I guess all you can do is make suggestions, if he asks for them.
Growing up, one night of Channukah was always “kids give presents to parents” night (we had other themed nights like Calendar night and Pet Toys night). I can’t remember exactly when the tradition started, it was just The Way Things Were ™. We always gave my parents small gifts on their birthdays as well, and sometimes cards/flowers on their anniversary.
I think it needs to be the Way Things Are from about the age of 2 - whenever they start getting excited about getting stuff is when they need to learn that people *give *stuff, too.
My daughter and I spent today making construction paper Christmas cards, into which we’re placing a wallet sized picture of her with Santa. All 8 of them cost be somewhere in the vicinity of $10 and an afternoon of instructing a toddler where to squirt the glue. These are her gifts to her grandparents and aunts and uncles. She’ll be three in February.
For her dad, we’ll make a special picture, and in the store, I offered her the choice of one of two DVD sets of old Christmas movies “for Daddy.” She made her choice, and that’s already wrapped under the tree for him. (It’s the old *Grinch *and Year Without a Santa and several others, so he’ll have a ball watching them with her.)
Unfortunately, her father isn’t so on the ball when it comes to gifts from our kids from me. My birthday was just skipped over (by the kids - he bought me something) around Thanksgiving, and this week I told him point blank that it really hurt me and I hoped he’d take at least the older one shopping for Christmas. He said he would.
You could do what I did in late November, when I asked my sister who she planned to buy gifts for this year. She wanted to get things for her immediate family, plus some cousins. Being a teen girl, she also had a long list of friends that she wanted buy gifts for. I asked early so she could get some ideas in mind, and work on a Christmas budget.
I’d assume that both you and your husband would make the list. If not, I guess you’ll have to come out and tell him to get both of you something. If you don’t like the idea of paying for your own gift, you could always loan him some money.
This is exactly like our family and I never met anyone else like this. When I tell people we didn’t really do gifts after puberty, they look appalled, but I love it. Very freeing to think of Christmas shopping as something other people do. We are generous people (my parents are insanely generous) but it’s rarely associated with any sort of date.
This year we tried something that ended up being a lot of fun. We all headed for our yearly trip to the mall. I went shopping with my son (age 12). I advised him as he bought his sister a present, he got to choose the present for his dad (to be from he and his sister) and we divided up the relatives between he and his sister- he got one set of aunt and uncle and one male cousin. I did some of my own shopping (that I divided up with my husband before hand). He got help in buying for his sister and the fun of buying for his dad.
Hubby went with my daughter and did the opposite (she bought for her brother and me, plus other relatives). We all had a blast, my son spent a long time picking out a nice Wenkinz and some earings for his sister and toys for his little cousin. He spent a very long time on the perfect gifts for his dad (which will be from both he and his sister). I divided my shopping so husband and were responsible for specific people- it got done fast, I had fun with my son and he put good thought into buying for others. It worked equally well for husband/daughter combo.
In the end, all major relatives got gifts from the kids and from us, brothers and sisters got presents from eachother and parents got gifts from kids. They really put thought into their gift buying and were surprsiningly insightful-Nice!
As far back as I can remember, I’d grow anxious around the holidays because I wanted to give something to my family. At a time when my major source of income was finding money on the ground, I’d save all year for Christmas. I remember the Christmas when I had a whole eight dollars, and I spent it all on gifts at Walgreens, agonizing over each choice.
My kids have no such inclinations. I pay them for report card As, so they do have some income. The first time I suggested they give Christmas gifts, they were taken aback. Once I had talked them into it, they made lists of their friends. I got them to “understand” that family needed to be included as well, but the lion’s share of the thought and resources still go into the friends’ gifts.
My husband was upset this year when Mother’s Day rolled around, and he realized that if he didn’t prod them, the kids would get me nothing.
I’ve told them that it’s fun to give, and they agree, but there’s no way I’ve installed any true generosity in them. If anyone knows how to teach it at this late date, I’d like to hear it.
My brother and I always got gifts for our parents. Even in nursery school, I think we made little ornaments for them. If kids are getting gifts for Christmas, they should absolutely be expected to give gifts as well. It doesn’t need to be elaborate–homemade is great–but they need to learn that the holiday is not all about Stuff For Them.
Have you tried asking your son, “What are you getting Dad for Christmas?” If the answer is “nuthin,” it’s time for a talk about what’s appropriate and a trip to the mall to buy something for Pop.
In elementary school, I can remember Christmas shopping. Every year, we’d go to the mall one evening as a family. We’d split up–one child with each parent, and spend an hour or so shopping for the other parent and the other child. Then we’d join up, eat in the food court, and then switch parent child combos.
Yes, the gift ideas frequently came from the parents, and yes, the money generally came out of Dad or Mom’s pocket–I think I recall spending $5 on a nightie for my mom, and $5 on a large cake pan–neither of which cost $5-10 dollars.
But the habit was started young that one gave Mom and Dad a something to unwrap under the tree.
Question for freckafree: Got any local siblings or cousins or just pals who you could recruit to take your kid Christmas shopping? Sure, you still hand the responsible adult a twenty (or whatever suits your budget), but you get someone else to do the dirty work of explaining that it’s nice to give one’s mother something–even if it’s just a (cheap) handmade Christmas card or ornament.
My kids, ages 1 and 4, have both “bought” gifts for me and their father. The little one, obviously, has no clue. I bought a pair of jeans for my husband, wrapped them up, and put them under the tree saying they were from my son (and avoided going over our spending limit, because they were from him!). My oldest has done his “own” Christmas/Fathers Day/Birthday shopping for the past couple years. He usually picks something he would like, which has resulted in my husband getting Matchbox cars for the past couple years. I got a football for my birthday! This is the first year we talked about getting something his dad would like. With some guidance from me, he settled on a travel mug in his dad’s favorite color. He signs his own gift tags, too!
I would say that if you’re just starting this at 12, you probably need to still do an accompanied shopping trip with heavy guidance. Sit down beforehand and discuss different possibilities and gifts that the people on your list would like. Gift-giving is definitely a learned art. My husband’s family doesn’t really give gifts for anything and, while he really tries hard, it’s very difficult for him to pick stuff out that other people would like.
Edited to say that I just thought of something else. Maybe this year you could skip the shopping for family and pick an angel off an Angel Tree for him to focus on. We picked a little girl the same age as my oldest son this year and he really got into the shopping for her.
My kids are 5 and 1. With the five year old, we’ve discussed what he would like to give his father, sister, and grandparents, but I’ve done most of the shopping. He has to help wrap, though. We bought plain birdhouses and non-water-based paint and he went to town making the birdhouses beautiful for his grandfathers. I think those will be a hit, although we’re down a pair of pants! (Next time we do an activity like that, it will be when it’s warm enough to do it outside. The dining room is not a good location for such things.) He did pick out a gift for his kindergarten teacher and a friend, but I paid.
With my daughter, who isn’t really big enough to participate actively yet, I do the shopping and wrapping and whatever, but they’ll have a tag to indicate they’re from her. Next year she can be more involved.
Mr.Q is not so into things like this, so he just puts “from the kids” on one of my gifts.
I think the kids can start paying for presents when they have jobs, but they should be involved in gift-giving from the get go.
I don’t remember when I started giving presents, which is probably all to the good (must have happened early). When I was little, each parent would take me with them when they went Christmas shopping, and I’d find something I liked for the other parent. Other times I would handmake gifts, either at school/Beavers/whatever, or later, at home (with Dad’s help I laboured for weeks carving and painting a set of bird-shaped chess pieces for Mom – I had a major case of ornithology love. Weird little kid). I would also get gifts for the grandparents, and when I was a little older, for my brother. Sometimes I’d be allowed to sign myself to others’ gifts.
In the end, it became natural. I’ve always liked giving gifts – I even used to get flowers for my teachers at the end of the school year (when our stuff was already graded, wise-asses.)
I’d say yeah, he needs to start getting gifts for his parents and other relatives. If his dad won’t take him shopping, you may just need to forgo a gift for now, until he clues in and starts shopping himself.
Kiddo is 9 yrs old. This is the first year he brought up the idea of buying us and other relatives gifts himself. In the past years, I always would take him shopping with me and ask him what he would like to get his dad. Suburban Plankton did the same thing with him for me. Sure the money came from the household account, but it got him started thinking about giving.
This year he asked me to get some money out of his bank account so he could buy gifts for us. I told him not to spend his saving, and gave him $20. They were having a “shopping day” at his school and he bought me two little presents. I don’t even care what they are. It’s the fact that he thought about it ahead of time and was willing to spend his own money.
I think kids should be encouraged to give their parents a gift from the earliest they can understand giving, whether they pay for it out of their allowance or not at a young age doesn’t matter.
When I was in high school, my parents decided that we kids were going to start giving presents to everyone in the family. Now that I think about it, this my have been prompted by my (younger) sister getting in the gift-giving while my brother and I just didn’t get it that perhaps we should reciprocate.
It was a great idea(ok, it’s not looking so hot right now but that’s only because I’ve procrastinated on gift-buying ostensibly due to exams this term).
I was just thinking about this. When I was a kid, there was “Santa’s Workshop”, a temporary holiday store at school that came through for a day. You could buy cheap crap from your family, and it was cheap enough that you really could get some token for everyone on your list for under $20: erasers for 5 cents and “emergency toolkits” for $1. It was so much fun going in with a list and figuring out that Grandma might like this elephant refrigerator magnet. It helped to teach budgeting and math, too, because Dad wasn’t there to give you an extra $5 if you went over. Plus, of course, it was a great way for the kid of a single mom to shop for her mom.
I remember one year my school didn’t host it for some reason, but there was a store in our town that did: the whole back half of the store was off limits for the grown-ups, they even had a four foot doorway or something so your parents couldn’t come in. It was all about the kids doing the choosing without undue influence, which I thought rocked. (I suppose these days they’d be too afraid of Stranger Danger and lawsuits to keep the parents out.)
I’ve always gotten presents for my mom. When I was really little it was always some craft we’d made at school. A few years later, my step-fathers would take me shopping for her. I started buying my own gift probably around middle school and would save up my allowance for a long time. I think making presents for my family at school is what really told me that kids need to give gifts too, removing the need to being told as a teen to chip in for once.
My son’s school (he’s 8) has a week long “Holiday gift shop” where the kids can buy tchotchkes that average a buck-fifty. So he’s bought stuff for the family since kindergarten. This year he asked for money and I had him clean his room really well before parting with $5 to augment the $5 he had saved in change. He’s always excited to pick stuff out – the hard part for him is keeping it a secret what he bought.
When I was a kid, we had day long Christmas shop at school on a Saturday. I always went and my father received many a pack of tiny screwdrivers.
My kids are only 8 and 5. I take them shopping for gifts, online or otherwise, and I ask them what they think about a present for this one or that one. I talk to them about how I am deciding to buy this or that for somebody and ask them what they think. We look at catalogs/websites/adverts before we go shopping and talk about who might like what. If they choose the gift I ultimately buy, they get credit for that when the gift is unwrapped. They often choose the gifts for each other and also for their friends and teachers when applicable.
We don’t have a lot of individual gifts really, mostly we as a family give presents to somebody. If either kid goes out of pocket for somebody for a specific thing then it’s from them and the same for homemade gifts they dreamed up themselves.