DianaG, I agree with you to a point. Of course I agree I’d rather he get gifts than myself. But I’d never want my parents to get gifts for him if they really couldn’t afford it. Or to set up a situation where every year he expects huge pots of gifts from them. And if I knew they got him gifts that I could have gotten myself at the expense of one of my sisters, I’d be horrified. I never really wanted him to have that much more than what we gave him except for a gift or two. As I’ve said if someone was going through some financial trouble we’d all help out.
One of my sisters gives her kids so much that they don’t even know what they have and they practically walk all over their toys. A week after Christmas half the stuff is broken. There is just SO much stuff that it’s overwhelming. They’ve never learned to value or take care of a game or toy because nothing has ever been meaningful to them.
Um… I said nothing on me. Although for what it’s worth, I have two siblings with children who I’m sure feel the same, and one sibling who still qualifies as a child, so I certainly wouldn’t want her to be neglected.
As opposed to **adult ** children, who apparently never stop needing?
Really? Because it seems like you might still be harboring a bit of resentment.
Sigh.
How it’s different for **Aunt Flow ** is that she’s an adult. Adults buy their own stuff. I really don’t see what’s difficult to understand about this. When things are flush, and there’s enough for everyone, then it should be spread around. When things are tight, well… Christmas is for kids.
I got the impression from Aunt Flow’s OP that there weren’t going to be huge pots of gifts for anyone. Indeed, that if there were money for huge pots of gifts, it would be spread around more.
Just to clarify, I don’t expect anyone to give to my kid gifts that they can’t afford to give. And I certainly don’t expect them to give my kid gifts at the expense of neglecting anyone else except me. But when it gets right down to it, grownups can and should fend for themselves when resources are limited, and if it were *me * deciding where to spend *my * money, I’d spend it on the kids.
But Diana, how tight is tight? When they have hundreds of dollars to spend on the minors and nothing to spend on the adults?
I guess it must be a difference in upbringing. I certainly don’t resent not having a pony and a 10-speed bike under the tree (well…maybe the pony…). I don’t resent it now and I didn’t resent it then. That’s my point. kids don’t need huge Christmases. They just need some Christmas. As do parents. My mother still buys for me and I’m 45. And I’ve bought for her my whole life. I love looking for the right present and watching her open it. She doesn’t have to be a child. I just know, for example, that she’s going to love the brass wire fox terrier brass weathervane I bought her for her garage at her new house. And I’ll never forget the year ny neice proudly gave me the 6-pack of canned green beans for Christmas, because she knew I liked green beans. People give and receive because both bring them joy.
Christmas is also sometimes a time to learn lessons. When my mother bought my nieces all cute (not cutesy) sweatshirts for Christmas a few years ago, a couple of them were rude enough to say to her, “I don’t wear sweatshirts!.” I took them aside and told them that even if it wasn’t a gift you were thrilled with, you thanked the giver and acted like it was wonderful. But again, maybe this is a difference in upbringing.
That sounds kind of judgemental. Aunt Flowis someone without kids, and she is asking this. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a legitimate question.
The most important point that seems to be getting forgotten over and over in this thread is that the grandparents are choosing to overspend on the grandkids to the exclusion of their own daughter who was counting on their gift to have any gift at all. I’m pretty sure Aunt Flow wouldn’t have been starting this thread if it was a case where her parents had only enough money left over after groceries to buy one small gift for each grandkid. It sounds to me like Aunt Flow’s parents are telling her (in words and actions) that she isn’t as important as the grandkids. And no, adult kids never stop needing to feel loved from their parents. This isn’t about the gifts; it’s about the attitude.
Aunt Flow, maybe you should talk to your parents. I think they’re going to feel lousy come Christmas, if opening gifts is such a big deal in your family and you end up with nothing at all. Jeeze, if there was enough time, I’d send you a gift myself. In my loooong single years, I never had a Christmas with nothing, because my family wouldn’t do that to me.
In all fairness to my sister, she did not deliberately set out to upstage either my graduation or grad party. She didn’t even attend the grad party as I had it in MA and she lives in Chicago-it was the guests who came and barely said a word to me (gah, I’m getting upset about this all over again) of congratulations while trying to pump me for info about the wedding, not to mention, taunting me for not getting married. My sister actually disinvited several of them from the wedding for pulling that stunt (go sis!). As for my graduation-it was 2 weeks after they announced their engagement so I think my parents and her in-laws (who came to my grad and are my parents’ good friends) were still hammering out details, though it still irritates me that it had to be done at my graduation dinner.
Since she’s younger than me I don’t resent the fact that it was the first time in her life she got to do something first-and like I said, I love her dearly and she is my best friend. But my parents didn’t really care about us graduating from high school or college because to them grad school was always the biggest and most important deal. This was my last degree ever and came at a pretty huge cost to me personally (emotionally & financially) and was going to be where my parents were finally going to be all proud and proclaimey but everyone just talked about the motherfucking wedding and how did I feel about the motherfucking wedding!!! If I were a horrible mean person I’d schedule a wedding right around her med school graduation…no, I wouldn’t.
The babysitter’s kids got rediculous amounts of presents from on sides grandparents. Todays equivalent would be a complete computer system, a Wii, an ipod nano, a hunting rifle, and lots of designer clothes for each kid. It was truely jaw dropping that anykid got that much. The presents piled around the tree a good 3 to 6 feet out depending on the year. I couldn’t imagine how they could come up with the money for all the swag.
The people here keep arguing like being disapointed is the same as wantful malace of her parents, and it’s not. It’s a valid human emotion, that you can’t help feeling. People are arguing about what can be done to midigate the situation, but that’s not what the poster started this thread for. She wanted to say she felt hurt and wanted to know if it was a valid feeling. Many don’t like her having that feeling, because it’s not what they consider an appropriate way to feel. However much they don’t like it, it’s how she and others feel and is not an abnnormal desire in most people, to have a token of recognition of her parents love with a gift that says we remembered you. I hope that future posters can stop arguing by this point about what should be spent by whom, on who. You have my validation for what it’s worth that your a good person feeling a bit rejected by hearing no gift is forthcoming. I’d send you a gift if I could, but sorry I can’t. They still care for you. Remember that, and try to smile when the gifts are opened by the grand kids. Your mature enough to get through reguardless, and the shock now is better than Christmas. So I’ll leave you with best wishes for a merry Christmas.
And having just re-read the OP, **Aunt Flow ** *didn’t * say that her parents are spending hundreds on the grandkids to the exclusion of their children. She said that the grandparents have *previously * spent hundreds on the grandchildren, in what I assume were flusher times.
StGermain, I enjoy buying gifts for the people I love, and of course I enjoy receiving them as well. But perhaps if it’s necessary to convey this “gifts aren’t important” lesson, it might not be time to convey it to the kids so much as it’s *past * time to convey it to the grownups. After all, I believe that even Jesus was taught “Thou shalt not covet” .
But what about conveying manners to the kids, as in “I bought this for Aunt Flo; put your name on the card”? Thus teaching them the joy of giving, and the etiquette of not leaving anyone out, at an early age. Telling your parents, as you say you would, that if it comes to it you’d want 100% of their budget for you/spouse/kids to go to your kids seems like it would convey a sense of entitlement. Let them see that Mom and Dad get stuff too, and you won’t have to condition the gimmees out of them when they’re older.
So if I expect a gift for myself, that’s only right and natural, but if I prefer that my child receive one in my stead, that conveys a sense of entitlement? Okey dokey then. :rolleyes:
I’m not suggesting that the kids should roll around in ipods and playstations while the grownups wear sackcloth. I’m not saying that **Aunt Flow’s ** parents *shouldn’t * buy her a gift. I’m not even saying that she has no right to be hurt or upset. I’m simply pointing out that “The grownups should get gifts too so that the kids learn that they’re not all that!!!” is a rather juvenile argument.
To me it seems like the difference between most of the opinions it that some think Christmas is for kids and others think Christmas is for families.
Personally, if times are tight, I’d rather that everyone get scaled-back presents rather than leave out presents for some. Instead of Barbie’s Mobile Meth Lab (With Moon Roof!), the kids can get Drug Addict Barbie, (with Crack Pipe Accessory). And instead of the $100 outfit from the high-priced department store, the adult can get a nice book and some socks. In our family, everyone got presents, including the pets. My mother would often invite over people she knew who had no family in the area, so they didn’t have to spend Christmas alone. And she always had some small present for them, something she knew they’d like.
What are the gifts for, after all, other than to express love and appreciation? A gift is a way of saying, “I thought of you. I value you. I want to please you.”
I don’t have kids. I celebrate Christmas. How does “Christmas is for kids” even come close to expressing the reality of my life?
The choice between three gifts for your child, and one for you, two for her, was what I meant. It’s great to sacrifice for your child, but they should also develop the habit, early, of acknowledging other people. Like in the anecdote upthread about the grandfather who saved every one of his grandchildren’s gifts to him.
Well, good, because you did seem to be heading towards saying that grownups shouldn’t get anything at all.
Again, good. But:
I don’t think it’s immature at all. Let me say it again: The cute kids opening a mound of gifts on Christmas morning while the adults just sit there and beam may very well grow into teenagers who sulk because they don’t get a car, and not just any car, but the exact car they want, at their hideously expensive Sweet Sixteen party. They might not, of course, but parents who tell Gma and Gpa, “Don’t get anything for me, just my kid,” may have a job of it getting their teenagers to accept that they can’t have everything they want just because.
There’s so much griping on this board about entitled children and teenagers. Now, I’m astounded to see so many people in this particular thread promoting a tradition that is likely to encourage entitlement. Can’t you see the connection? It doesn’t happen out of the cloudless blue.
So part of the grandparents buying for the grandkids gig is “we didn’t have the time/money when our kids were small, but now we do” right? Generally speaking, of course, but if we presume that’s true for Grandma and Grandpa Flow, are we also to presume there was never a time in Aunt Flow’s entire life when she was in the cool kids group?
Unless Grandma and Grandpa Flow learned the for the grandkids from their own parents doing the same, she’s never been at the top of the heap.
As I read this thread, I wonder if most people use the same definition of “gift” that I do. A gift is given freely. If you have to ask for it, it’s not a gift. If you *expect * it, it’s not a gift. It appears that many people here feel entitled to tribute.
You know what, you’re right. Christmas is for everyone. However, sometimes, gifts, like Trix, are for kids.
I don’t know how many kids each of you has in your family, or how many people in general, but there are a buttload in mine, and none of us are made of money, or of time, or enjoy shopping as a relaxing hobby. We agreed years ago to buy only for the kids, because trying to buy gifts for everyone would break us. However, we all gather on the holidays, and enjoy good food, good drink, and each other’s company. Does that not “count” as celebrating Christmas, because we didn’t exchange trinkets that none of us had the money or the time to buy?
Your other quote starts with “if I don’t get anything”.
Aunt Flow why do you assume your brothers are not giving you anything? Do they never give you anything? You haven’t mentioned their gifts at all.
Here are the facts as I see it.
1)Your parents are hard pressed.
2)They have 4 (or was it 5) grandchildren. If they spend $50 each, that comes to a couple of hundred dollars.
3) $50 buys next to nothing
4) You have brothers who have children.
5) Your parents have in the past spent several hundred dollars a Christmas on the kids.
6) I’m the only one posting who once sat down with family by the tree one Christmas and got nothing when everyone else got something.
7) You asked if you were being immature.
Yes, your parents could shave something off each kids present, and get you something. Not much worth having, probably, but something. I feel the money is better spent on the kids, and so do your parents. Not because “Christmas is all about kids” which is what a fair number posting seem to be hearing (and I don’t recall anyone posting). But because a few bucks buys a kid a lot more joy than it does an adult. And, and adult should get pleasure from the money spent on the kids, while the kid will get very little from the money spent on an adult.
If your brothers won’t give you anything I feel sorry for you. I’d also be surprised if your parents truly gave you absolutely nothing. I think you are being pessimistic when you say you won’t get shit.
But if you do get shit, like I did, it only kind of sucks. If your mature, you’ll have perspective to apply. If you are not, you’ll fall apart like a little kid. If you are afraid to find out, be somewhere else where people will appreciate you, like a soup kitchen.
Well, the OP knows her mother best. Maybe when her mother says “might” in instances like that it’s her wishy washy way of saying “won’t”? If that’s the case, than do you agree that maybe the OP has a right to feel left out and somewhat sad?
