I’m with Auntie Flow-it sucks being the one left out. I don’t expect gifts from my parents, AT ALL but it really freaking sucked this Diwali (we celebrated when my sis and I went home during Thanksgiving) when my parents gave my sister and bro post-“marriage” gifts for Diwali (which was likely a ton of money) right in front of me, and then did a bloody puja, right in front of me…and I got nothing. Not even the bloody oil lamp waving in front of my face, I didn’t even want the gift but they could have flung some sindoor my way.
I didn’t complain or bring it up to them but it was a reminder YET AGAIN that I am the UnMarried One and in Indian culture that automatically means anything about me is less important. Like how at my graduation, my fucking law school graduation, people only talked about my sister’s wedding. Or my graduation party itself, where people were like “oh, law school? No big deal, congratulations or whatever,…how did your sister and [bil’s name] hook up?”
I hate feeling this way because my sister and I are best friends and I love her dearly and I was really hoping it would end after they got married but NO, it really doesn’t. It isn’t even about the gifts-it’s simply the fact that you feel like you enjoy lesser status in the family for a particular life choice and that really hurts. The fact that my own law school graduation and party was turned into The Wedding of A’s Sister Question and Answer still rankles with me to this day.
Most certainly, that was NOT the OP’s parents’ intention. I’m quite sure. But still, when you’re the one being disappointed, you feel taken for granted.
No matter how old you are or grown up you may be, you never outgrow wanting attention from Mommy and Daddy. It’s a very primal thing. So it really stings, even though I’m sure it was just a decisionn based on logic.
I’m on a ight budget too this year. My mom has said “Oh, no. Don’t buy me anything.” I’m making her something. I may not be able to afford a lavish gift this year, but I’ll get her a gift, dammit!
Of course, now I’m just waiting for someone to tell me my graduation was not about me and how I’m a selfish fuck for feeling like one of the proudest moments of my life was upstaged by a wedding!!
Wow - so the fact that her family loves her and values her company and presumably thinks she values theirs too - they think she’s unimportant because they aren’t buying her something for christmas?
I’ve been a single, childless adult and I didn’t get christmas presents because in my family it was decided that gifts would only be bought for the kids 18 & younger. I never once felt that my family thought I wasn’t important. It was more about seeing people you hadn’t seen or talked to all year, eating the traditional meals and making the same tired jokes about certain people eating everything not nailed down, playing with the kids and then the adults playing cards until the wee hours of the morning.
Maybe it’s because in my family when you became an adult you could participate in certain aspects of the holiday that the kids couldn’t (drinking “hot toddy”, playing cards), eased the “pain” of not getting gifts.
I just don’t get how someone could measure their family’s love for them by whether they received a gift or not.
I assume that the OP loves her nieces and nepwhews, why wouldn’t she get joy from seeing them be happy?
No, the fact that they’re basically ignoring her, and ignoring how shitty she’s going to feel getting nothing when everyone around her is getting her something is making her feel unimportant.
Jesus H. Tap Dancing Rutabaga Christ, the fact that anyone condones this APALLING behaviour on behalf of her family gals me.
But don’t you understand that it’s okay because it’s for the children. Please, won’t someone think of the children? :rolleyes:
I love it how some people in this thread think it’s selfish for her to feel a little jealous because her parents are giving the grandkids all the attention, yet it’s not selfish to expect that your children should receive the entire gift budget.
No kidding, eh? From where I’m sitting, it looks like more than enough people are thinking about the children and no one at all is thinking about Aunt Flow.
Her mother said that she might not be getting anything for any of her children. So it isn’t as if her mom is buying gifts for everbody except AuntFlow.
Did I sound like I was kidding? And if you read the 5 posts I made in this thread instead of jumping on one sentence I never said anyone was obligated to get her a gift or she should demand that they do so. I’d really like you to point out where I used the words demand or obligated.
I don’t know about you, but as a parent if I had three adult children, two that had their own families and they were financially able to buy gifts for their own children I wouldn’t go into debt buying for the grandkids who are already getting gifts from their parents and not get anything for my daughter who seems to be having a bit of a rough time of it.
I never said she was obligated. Who is? I never said she should demand anything. I said after Christmas she might talk to her parents and brothers about gift giving and how they all handle it.
Clearly the parents are overspending regardless of whether they buy her a gift or not. Maybe they could pick names, or make a spending limit or something. Maybe all the adults pick names for a $5 gift so no one is left out. It might be an issue that her parents or brothers aren’t even aware of what’s going on.
Actually, my kids are too old to fall into this category. I buy gifts for my sister’s four year old, and not for her, because her kid wants them more. When I buy gifts for needy families, I buy for the kids because that is what the families always want and since I only have so much money, I only give to the ones that will enjoy it most. If mom or dad ask for something, it is usually gloves. Even the older kids (above 10-12) generally only ask for clothes.
Your bitterness shows. Where does the op say she “doesn’t even get a card”? The op doesn’t even say she is not getting any gifts. Basically, her mom has said she doesn’t have much money to spend and most of what she has is going to the grandkids, not adults who can do a much better job of finding what they want themselves.
Why do you assume they aren’t? How do you know her brothers aren’t getting her anything. Nothing has been said about that. How do you know her own parents aren’t getting her anything at all?
I can see both sides of this coin. I think that little kids do come first when it comes to stuff like Christmas presents; on the other hand, being without a present sucks, not because an adult generally expects to be showered with toys, but because it makes one feel excluded/unloved. Seems to me the OP isn’t upset because “little kids come first”, but because she isn’t comming even second.
Another factor is that the burden of buying presents for everyone in an extended family can be severe - in time as well as money. On the receiving end, often the stuff you get just adds to the clutter in your place anyway.
Our family has a tradition that goes some way towards solving these issues: a gift exchange for adults. Each young child gets presents from everyone. For each adult, we draw a name at random & in secret (one adult deputized to do this & email everyone) - you buy a gift for this person and this person only. That way, you can put some real thought into the “adult” gift, as you may only buy one, and every adult gets the same number of gifts - while leaving the kiddies happy with lots of gifts.
Our tradition is that the youngest child able to read acts as “Santa” and finds the gifts under the tree and gives them to each person.
We also have a silly gift draw as well - a bunch of cheap, silly gifts are thrown into a basket, and everyone draws one.
Seems to me that this is a fun and fair compromise, with minimal financial burden and hurt feelings. What do you guys think?
Malthus’ post reminded me of something else we do. On both my mom’s and my dad’s side of the family (when we do Christmas with the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) we bring along a $5 men’s or women’s gift. So I bring a $5 women’s gift and receive a $5 women’s gift. We pass them out randomly. Another way to do a fun, inexpensive gift exchange and nobody feels left out.
Wow, I honestly didn’t think this would be such a hot topic… I’m really seeing a lot of opinions from both sides of this. I appreciate the people who really keep insisting it’s all about the children. I understand that it’s largely about the children. That’s what Santa’s about. But it’s about family. My family really isn’t religious at all but we celebrate Christmas and Easter and such. And it’s always been Christmas is the time for giving. As far back as I can remember, everyone got presents from everyone else. My parents got presents from my grandma, as well as us kids getting presents from her, my parents and our siblings. We got presents for mom and dad and gramma. Sometimes bought with help from mom or dad, most of the time made. The only real gift giving that stopped was between my brothers and I. We never really had money for anyone but our parents gifts so we would forego gifts for each other. After they had kids it just kind of got forgotten. I haven’t gotten a gift from them for a long time, so to hope for one this year would be unrealistic. A BIG deal is made about gift opening in my family. Everyone sits around and watches, there’s a ‘system’ so everyone would get a gift to open at the same time. The video camera rolls, lots of laughing and fun. Hell, as recent as last year I was still getting a stocking (and an Easter basket if that makes any difference).
I knew something was up this year though when I went to my parents’ place and saw that they hadn’t hung up our stockings over the fireplace (my brothers and I and my parents). They’ve done that every year I can remember, even when we had a fake cardboard fireplace to hang them on. But I didn’t say anything. I thought that maybe this was the year mom was just going to stop the stockings, given how old we all were. But then when she mentioned the gift thing, it really hit me. I guess I’ve been so used to Christmas = gifts (giving and receiving) that it’s just a huge shock to me. I won’t say anything because I don’t want to cause waves or, more than likely, make my parents feel bad. I do know that if it comes to Christmas day and everyone’s opening gifts and I’m the only one not, I’m going to have a hard time holding it together. Yay for hormonal mood swings
I do enjoy giving gifts. I enjoy it too much sometimes. I love watching them open their gifts but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy getting a gift as well. I’ve never gotten anything in return from my nephews and nieces. Not even something their parents got for me and said was from them. But it doesn’t bother me as much as the idea that my own parents aren’t going to get me something. I’m pretty sure I’ll never have kids, or even get married. Even my mom has told me she’s given up on me ever getting married and the only grandkids she’ll get out of me have fur. Hopefully this will just be a one time event and next year will be better. Wow, this turned into a ramble of a post, sorry!
Sorry, SlowMindThinking, that was supposed to be a general “you”. Your family’s gift giving arrangement seems to work great for you, the comment was in reference to an attitude.
/aside.
This is a question that only someone with no children would ask. If I had to choose between my parents buying a gift for me, or a gift for my daughter, it’s no contest. If I had to choose between my parents buying one gift for me and two for my daughter, or three for my daughter, it’s STILL no contest.
This may not make much difference, but its not just Indian cultures. At my high school graduation open house my uncle’s bride to be was the star of the show. I sat at a table with her for half an hour with my cousins and heard what color nail polish the bridesmaids were wearing, the dyed shoe debate, what the first dance would be - and the whole damn playlist - and no one - not a single one of them - said “Congrats - where are you going to college?” or “What are you going to major in?” Or even - (because this set of cousins didn’t go to college, so maybe it didn’t occur to them), “What are you doing now?” The whole side of that family was too caught up in a wedding to note that they were at a graduation party and that the proper thing to do was congratulate the graduate.
Things change in a family as the family grows up - and its often the youngest who isn’t ready for the change. My parents kept up the stocking tradition for years - and when it faded away (when the youngest stopped coming home every year) - I’m not sure I really noticed - but I’m the oldest and by the time it faded I was married (or living with someone) doing our own start of holiday traditions.
However, I do think you should say something - not DEMAND anything, just mention that it hurts. This is the sort of thing that your mother will assume is just fine with you unless you say something. And its the sort of thing that years from now will come out as having caused years of hurt that could have been avoided with a little wrapped thought.
I think the priority on creating a materialistic Christmas (if that is your thing) needs to be weighted towards the children. But that doesn’t mean that on a gift giving holiday anyone should go giftless. A lot of people have that “extra gift” or two (last years sale Hallmark ornaments - Christmas music - a small box of chocolate) so that stray guests who show up (Uncle Bob’s new girlfriend no one knew existed until the moment they walked through the door) have SOMETHING to unwrap. Its the polite thing to do.
DianaG - So you’d rather your parents spent $500 on your kids and nothing on your siblings? Big of you. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to provide for your children, both for their physical needs and for their psychological needs. And no little kids need that much from their grandparents. If their parents are so impoverished that Christmas will be sparse, I see no problem with the grandparents helping out. However, If things are that tight, it probably does no good to buy the kids a lot of stuff the parents won’t be able to buy batteries for, etc. It’s an important thing for kids to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. As one of five kids, I certainly rarely got HUGE Christmas presents, but that wasn’t the point. It was sharing as a family. And everyone got something.
Let me ask you this - if you have multiple kids, do you say to the oldest “Okay, you’re 15. Nothing for you. Here, 14 year old, you get presents worth $600.”? Don’t you want to see the 15 year old smile when she opens that DVD she wanted or the video he asked for? How is it different for Aunt Flow? It’s one thing if there’s true hardship. Well, we can only afford to spend $50 for our whole Christmas, so we’ve decided to spend it on the grandkids. This is overwhelming some while others go without.
