For families drawing names on Thanksgiving, you need to be cautious about allowing boy or girl friends in on the family exchange. Somebody that has a good chance of not being around at Christmas shouldn’t be asked. When dad died everybody was like I don’t know what to do with his gift, I already bought it. I think they should have just been given as a memorium to people that were not getting anything. Instead they went back to the stores. I didn’t think of it at the time, we were a bit numb to think of something like that.
I started this hours ago, and since then some very reasonable responses have come in. And maybe I’m different because Mrs. Slow’s gifts to me are things she thinks “we” need. But, I still think I’m in the minority with Foxy40. Why do I want presents from my mom? She has no clue what to get me. I do. If I can’t afford to buy it, why should I expect her to buy it for me? In all honesty, the only gift I want from any adult is for my wife to cheerfully come with me while I pick something out I want.
Preschool age kids, on the other hand, are a blast to buy for. No matter what it is, they love it. (When my girls were 1, they had more fun with the wrapping paper and boxes than the gifts themselves.) No worries about if they’ll like the gift, and instant positive feedback. I don’t have grandkids, but frankly, spoiling grandkids seems to be one of the great joys grandparents have. No present your parents buy you will give you as much joy as the smallest gift they give a preschooler. My brother and I “exchange” cash for our kids. It comes out in our favor, because we have more than twice as many kids, but he wants to do it. So, he buys stuff for his kids with the money we send, and we buy stuff for ours with his. (Actually, of course, he just sends a check for the difference.)
So yes, even if statements like, “If my parents don’t get me anything, I get shit for Christmas since I don’t have any other family or friends to give me anything.” make it clear your parents should get you something, I still think you are being a bit immature. Your parents probably couldn’t afford it when you were a kid. Kids are expensive. And, if you just moved, I take it you moved to be close to mom and dad? What are they doing for you on a daily basis? Who paid for your lunch with mom? Heck, she even gave you money so giving to the kids wouldn’t be a burden on you. It wouldn’t take much to equal the amount they are giving the kids.
f it is too painful to be there when the gifts are opened, knowing you aren’t getting anything, go volunteer at a soup kitchen or something truly worthwhile. That might clue your siblings into realizing that their kids could have at least attempted to make you something.
I think it’s great when the kids get auntie or uncle a gift, and I mean the kids not their parents.
Auntie Flow, I am on your side. As far as I can tell the poeple here saying how selfish and immature you are, are all people who have spouses and/or children so they can’t really understand your point of view. My parents are paying for some work on my house but I will still be devastated if I don’t have something to open on Christmas morning. A necklace made by my mother, a framed picture from my dad… something. These are things they have wouldn’t have to spend a dime more to give me and would thrill me to pieces. Of course I am very spoiled, so it won’t be an issue.
And frankly, my brother and his family would be receiving presents inline with what they are giving (i.e. if theyare giving you one token gift from their family, that is what they would be getting,) unless I found something I just really wanted to give.
I will say, I have had a Christmas where I was left out although not completlely. My family does one big present to each member and then we have a “stocking” of smaller presents, candy, fruit, toys etc. (now it is shopping bag size). When my brother and I were much younger, my parents would give me money to do their shopping so I bought most of the gifts in the stockings for everyone except my own. One year everyone thought someone else was buying for me so when we wnet ot open our stockings mine was quickly empty. It was quite heartwrenching and although I really tried to hide it, I am sure my dismay was evident. My parents looked at each other saying “I thought you…” “I thought you…”. That was 30 years ago and as I said I am quite spoiled by my parents, but I always buy myself a present, just to be sure I am spoiled.
Auntie Flow, I hope you Christmas is more joyous than ever before, and many of us will be wishing you good cheer on Christmas day.
I think it would be great if the kids gave their aunt something. I didn’t put that in my example from my family since my kid is only 2 and this is the first year we are trying the new exchange. But if the kids in her family are older I think it would be great for them to give to her, unfortunately that is up to them and their parents since the OP can’t very well request a gift from her neices and nephews.
I actually do have an aunt on my mom’s side who has remained single and we have gotten her gifts ever since my grandma died when I was little. We are the only ones she gets gifts from and I would feel awkward on her behalf if she didn’t get anything for Christmas. If the kids are old enough to notice, they probably will feel bad since they are much more likely to feel horrified at the idea of someone not getting anything for Christmas.
But really we are talking about whether the parents should spend hundreds on the grandkids and nothing on their grown children. I personally would not do that as a parent, but ettiquette states that you don’t demand gifts from people, and really, who wants a gift that they had to beg for? So that leaves the OP in a bad situation, IMO. The parents can give as they wish, but that doesn’t mean she won’t feel disappointed. I could understand if her parents had to choose between getting the kids something and the adults something, but a portion of the kids’ budget could easily be given to the adults without the kids even knowing.
Personally, as a parent of a young child, I would not want my parents to spend hundreds on my children. It is easy to overload little kids with tons of stuff. Kids can treasure a $20 gift as much as a $200 one, oftentimes more. I really think when kids get too much stuff for Christmas it makes them appreciate it less, not more. I have a niece and nephew that get tons from their other side’s family, and they literally rip off the wrapping paper, glance at the toy, and go “next.” “What else is for me? Is that all I got?” etc. I think if kids get a few special toys it is more meaningful than getting piles 'o stuff.
But I do know how fun it is to buy for kids too, I had to stop myself from buying more for my kid for Christmas. It’s fun for the adults too! But that’s a whole other topic I guess.
(I really don’t like “holier than thou” responses.) Some people will never have kids - should they just ignore the day? Why give gifts to kids at all if it’s only “about god”? What to “the children” have to do with god’s holiday if that’s what you’re celebrating? Maybe you should just give to your church and they can pass it on to Jesus.
How many years did you and your husband have to wait before you were allowed to celebrate the holiday? Since it’s for “the children” I suppose you had to wait until you had some kids of your own to even get a tree.
I have children and grandchildren, but I give to all the adults I care about. To me the holiday is about trying to make my family (children and adults) happy. If something small under the tree makes Grandma smile, then I’m getting it for her.
You’re a grinch (to adults).
You know, I didn’t have kids when I was 15. I think you’ll find most people married with kids were single for a while, and in a relationship without kids for a while. I think you have forgotten what it is like to be a small child.
Believe it or not, there was even a Christmas I didn’t get anything. Flew across the country with a grad student’s salary, and sat there with the family and the woman who is now my wife, and I got nothing. (Well, the next day I was told they got me a subscription to Scientific American, but I had nothing to unwrap.)
Not getting a gift isn’t what sucked. My brother and sister and I had agreed not to get each other anything, because I had no money. My wife and I had already exchanged gifts. What sucked was times weren’t tight for mom and dad, there were no grandkids, and my brother and sister got presents, even my wife got presents. My mom just forgot to buy me something. What should have been a warm family time was instead a little depressing. It wasn’t that big a deal, though. I could afford what I needed, and my mom had been thinking of me, because she got my wife something.
What was truly depressing was when my mom forgot my fourth child, when he was six. He handled it as well as any kid could, because he got plenty from us, Santa and my brother, and he’s always been amazingly good that way. It was an honest mistake; hell I actually helped her shop. My mom and I have the organizational skills of a mob. Still, it was heart rending to see his face when he realized grandma hadn’t gotten him anything.
Hopefully there is a point at which you mature enough to derive more pleasure from the happiness of others than from a few gifts. I think it happens most easily for parents, because the unbounded glee of their own child just makes them feel so much better than being the recipient of even some very nice gifts. Perhaps Auntie Flow’s mom is trying to help her along. Perhaps she is an overzealous grandma, who no longer thinks of her own kids. I don’t know. I just know that if times are tight, the little ones should come first.
I wasn’t going to coment on this , but decided to now. Christmas is for childern ,is wrong. Cristmas is for celebrating the birth of Christ, and if it isn’t that to you, you’ve subverted it’s purpose to your own etpectations. In this case saying it’s about childern.
I think this is a little unfair. Aunt Flow isn’t ready to throw herself off a cliff because she isn’t getting gifts or is doing a gimmie -gimmie I want presents.
Heck, she even said her mother gave her the money to buy gifts for the kids.
Why aren’t you suggesting her brothers work in a soup kitchen?
She hasn’t made herself out to be a martyr, she’s just being honest.
Her parent’s are going overboard, spending way beyond their means. Somehow they think they’re obligated to go broke because they are ‘kids’ at the expense of their own finances and the feeling of their daughter. Her brothers who can clearly afford to buy their own gifts for the kids are allowing the parents to do it. What happens when the kids get older and the gifts more expensive?
It’s selfish. She’s a person and has feelings too. If anything, this thread is an eye opener. I’ve gotten caught up in the "kids are the most important’ bit too and I realize it’s unfair. Instead of criticizing someone, if Christmas means anything, maybe realize that everyone isn’t fortunate enough to have a family.
It’s not particularly fun to be alone, especially when your own family seems like they forgot you. I see nothing wrong with bringing it up in a subtle way after the holidays that the holiday was a little one sided.
You and Jali ought to sit down and have conversation some time. I’m not saying Christmas is about the children. (Although, IIRC, the idea of Christmas gifts started with the tradition of the Magi bringing the baby Jesus gifts. Great gifts for a baby, too.)
I’m saying that now that Christmas is a secular holiday, Christmas is a combination of materialism run amok, and finding pleasure in family and friends. I’m saying let the children be materialistic, because that will geniunely make them happy, much happier than any gift will make Auntie Flow happy. Just as teenagers get less pleasure from materialism than preschoolers, so too a mature adult should get less pleasure than teenagers. I’m not saying don’t buy gifts for adults. I’m saying when the choice has to be made, buy for the kids, because it will mean more to them.
I’m saying Auntie Flow is old enough look for pleasure in family. I’m not saying she is any way a bad person, but the op asks if she is being immature. I think she is learning a painful lesson in maturity this year. It would be mature to be grateful because her mom giving her money to buy gifts for her nieces and nephews. The op resents it. Did she point out that she could use money for food? The op doesn’t say, but if she can’t afford food and she is out eating with mom, I’m thinking mom took her out for a meal. It looks to me like mom might be doing things every day, or week, for Auntie Flow, but Auntie Flow is focused on the materiastic aspect of Christmas. She is assuming that mom and dad will spend as much on the grandkids as always. She is assuming that she will get absolutely nothing. A mark of maturity would be to expect more of parents that see her often, take her out to it, and to expect more of her brother and sister. Perhaps she will get a family album, perhaps the grandkids will make her something sweet, perhaps she will get regifted with the lousy version of some home game, perhaps as she says, she will “get shit for Christmas”. Unless she has bitter experience for expecting shit from mom, I think a mature person focuses on the positives and expects love.
Yeah, you are. JMHO.
You’re kidding right? You would really go and complain that you didn’t get something from someone who’s not obligated to get you anything and who didn’t demand that you get them something? Wow.
I think AuntieFlow is being immature and selfish about this. She is an adult and should realize that her parents don’t have to buy anything for anyone. Why isn’t it good enough for her that she gets to spend time with her family for Christmas?
My family went through the same thing sort of. People buying kid presents when they had no kids or less kids.
Now we draw names for the kids, but pretend the kids buy the presents. So if I have 4 kids, I’ll end up with 4 names. It kind of evens things out. I think my grandparents still buy my aunts/uncles presents.
We kind saw the adult thing coming and “nipped it in the bud”. Mostly the adults do the pick or steal gift exchange (limit $20). That way everyone ends up with something and gets to open presents. This is also nice when you bring someone new to Christmas, all you have to do is bring another $20 gift from them and they can still participate and open a gift.
Maybe suggest an adult exchange for next year. Plus, its tons of fun. Christmas is not just for kids, its about everyone having a good time. You are being excluded from that, and that’s not fair.
Aunt Flow could you e-mail me please? It’s in my profile.
You know, I really must comment on this.
I think her family (assuming they’re not mosters) are really going to feel like a bunch of assholes on X-mas morning when everyone has something to open except Aunt Flow. Honestly, if X-mas is supposed to be about family, why the hell aren’t Aunt Flow’s family giving a thought to her. It’s horrible. I mean damn - my family isn’t even Christian and we know better than that.
Okay, I get this sort of attitude from my family, and I feel the need to comment: Its great that you’ve become a selfless loving person because you’ve had kids, I’m happy that you’ve made it to that higher moral plane. But its unreasonable to expect the rest of the world to put your kids delight and amusement ahead of everything else. Why? because its not their kids, and they have their own lives and their own shit to worry about. And being selfless means you put aside your own feelings, not the feelings of other adults.
I think OP is very generous to have been giving the kids presents every year, when she even doesn’t get a homemade card in return. And her family clearly has a tradtion of giving the adults a present, this is a sign of affection and to be upset that it is withdrawn does not show immaturity.
Okay, I gotta go frost the cookies I made for my Uncle…
Agreed, and its probably worth Aunt Flow mentioning now that “you know, Mom, I understand money is tight, but the only Christmas present I was expecting is from you - you don’t need to spend a lot - or anything at all - but if I have something to unwrap, I’d feel better.”
Then hope she doesn’t give you a five year old can of beets from the back of the pantry like my ex-mother in law gave me one year. Or if she does, laugh about it.
Perhaps, if her parents are in that “money is tight due to retirement” age, now may be the time to start clearing out the “heirlooms.” Childhood Christmas decorations, Grandma’s opal that doesn’t fit anyone and everyone has been meaning to have resized or reset for twenty years. The antique pitcher that is on the top shelf from the farm… If her family is like most, there are boxes of stuff Mom can’t throw out for sentimental reasons.
The problem with that is that the parents, the OP’s sibling, will get to experience the joy of watching their kids gleefully open their gifts. That is in itself a treat, it’s a blast to watch your own wee ones so joyful. It energizes the entire household. So in a roundabout way, the parents enjoy the gift-giving vicariously thorugh their kids.
The OP is childless, so she doesn’t even get to benefit from the “trickle down” theory at work there. That isn’t fair. I can’t imagine forsaking my own offspring that way.
Because her parents have basically said “When it comes to family, you’re not as important”…? That smarts.
That’s the way I read the OP. Yes, presents are what brought it on but it seems to me the underlying feeling is that she is not as important because she hasn’t produced offspring. I may be misreading it or reading things into it because that’s how I feel in my family a lot of times, but that is the sense that I get.