This year my siblings and I decided not to exchange with each other and just buy for each other’s kids as well, but we talked about it with my sister who does not have kids first. In fact, I was not even going to suggest that option since it is unfair to her, but she brought it up and said she would rather just buy for the kids. But I would never have done it if she wasn’t ok with it, and my parents are still buying for us so she still gets gifts from them. So from the side of someone with a child looking at the sibling without any, I think it is unfair on your behalf and I personally am aware of that when it comes to my sister. What do your siblings think of the arrangement? If my parents cut back and I realized my sister wasn’t going to get anything I would arrange something from her from “Santa.” Of course you can’t really suggest that to your siblings, but I know I would feel bad for my sister who is about your age if she wasn’t getting anything.
I understand why you are upset, but on the other hand, your parents are free to choose how to give their gifts. It’s a tough spot to be in because you will understandably be a little sad as others open their presents but you don’t want to be seen as a whiner or materialistic at Christmas. Maybe you could suggest that you all do a special activity together, like a vacation or a meal at a nice restaurant at a later date when people have time to get a little money together? Something to look forward to.
Since when is receiving gifts a right? I’d be more than happy to fore go any gifts in order that the kids could have more. In fact since my own kids became Christmas-cognizant my wife and I pool some cash and buy something we need for the house. This year we will by a glorious new dishwasher for Christmas.
Jeesh. How immature is it to expect presents? Is it not happier to give, than receive?
I understand what your saying Velma, but I also think it’s important for kids to learn about giving. Something small from the kids would probably mean a lot to her. Even if they made her something. When we were kids, we got as much pleasure out of giving gifts as receiving them. It was fun to watch someone open our crappy little gifts and watch them act thrilled to death.
When we were young it was a ritual every year. We all sat around and made our list of who to buy gifts for. There were four kids at the time so believe me it wasn’t anything special but my mother took us all to a discount store and we bought little gifts like chapstick and a comb and brought them home and wrapped them all. We were really excited about it. She let us pick out whatever we wanted (as long as it was cheap) and some of the gifts we got were hilarious.
When my grandfather died, we were going through his stuff and he had a whole drawer full of all the silly gifts we had given him. It meant a lot to him.
To the poster who said I shouldn’t be expecting gifts, I’m not. That’s not what this post is about. I realize that sometimes finances are such that you can’t always buy gifts for everyone. My thing is they’re spending hundreds on my brothers’ kids and nothing on their own kids. I have no kids or significant other or anything outside of my immediate family. This is it. Hell, I can’t even afford to buy myself something nice as a present. I have a negative cash flow every month.
I was thrilled when my mom handed me $50 Sunday, thinking wow, I can afford food this month! But then she tells me, that it’s money for me to buy gifts for my nephews and nieces. I was planning on just drawing them a picture since I do art and it’s really all I had. But once she gave me the money and told me we were going shopping together, I felt obligated to spend that on the kids. Again, I have NO problem buying gifts for them. I love them to death, but it still makes me feel like the red-headed step child when things like this happen.
And yes, my brothers can afford gifts for their own kids. Nothing extravagant but not a barebones Christmas. My parents just go WAY overboard. Last year (when there was only 3 kids) my parents bought them each one of those cars that kids sit in and drive around themselves. A couple hundred dollars for each of those. As well as a shitload of other gifts. I do think someone hit on the right point that they’re doing things for the grandkids that they could never do for us. I commented when I saw the cars that I wanted one of those SO bad when I was a kid and my mom said “We couldn’t afford it back then.”
Likewise, I got something for mom, dad, and brother from the time that I was old enough to have an allowance. I remember the presents I gave as much as the presents I got. It was just little stuff (ornaments and chocolate) but I remember Mom or Dad taking me to the store and giving me ideas. I was also the “gift-wrapper” for dad and brother (I guess they never learned how to use a scissors?) and so I knew what Mom was getting from everyone every year. I took a great deal of pride in my wrapping skills, actually, and made sure that everyone’s presents looked nice. I was a better gift-wrapper than Santa, actually!
So for me, a Christmes that consists of only kid’s presents seems like something of a sacriledge. I disagree that Christmas is just about kids, that holiday is Halloween.
I fully expect to receive presents from my parents–I am 44–because that is a part of the holiday celebration. There is nothing shallow or materialistic about it. We expect to exchange presents-ti’s all part of the ritual.
My sibs and I decided years ago to forego presents, and just get the kids stuff. Unfortunately, I am the only one with kids-so I have told them that they do not have to give presents to my kids. But, since they are the only niece and nephews on my side of the family-they get gift certs or similiar from my sibs. But my parents buy for everyone.
We don’t do the whole spend alot thing (that would be my husband’s family), so the discrepancy isn’t as great. As I get older, I find I am less willing to spend alot on Xmas-who really needs anything? My parents have started giving the kids two presents, but also donating funds in the kids’ names to Heifer International and similar programs.
Too bad about your folks. I don’t think what they’re doing is kind.
I’ve thought a lot about this thread, being in a similar situation - [his] siblings have kids, we do not and never will. However his parents have gone out of the way to be sure we don’t feel left out. Our gifts are much smaller and much less expensive than the new baby’s. But we still get them!
I honestly feel that until you have kids of your own, you still are your parents’ kids. And if you never have kids, so be it - that’s your choice, isn’t it? This smacks to me of sibling favoritism and rewarding them to have kids - to be honest it isn’t hard to have kids!
I think the OP’s parents should at least give her a small gift. Especially since she is obviously expected to give!
I would be disapointed to find at this point that I would get nothing from them. I’m sure you have already gotten something for them, and expected an exchange with your parents. Had you had some notice that this was going to stop, say last spring, it wouldn’t have been such a shock. Seeing that the childern are all getting lots from their parents, I don’t think spending $20 or $40 on you from those hundreds spent instead of nothing is unreasonable. Next year you need to get into an exchage with friends or aquaintances early on. I wouldn’t raise a stink about this, ruining the holiday with the family on top of all this.
I should add that adults buy presents for adults all the time, and you’re always their child, so being over 18 isn’t a reason in it’s self to stop the exchange.
I was thinking the same thing. But theres still time this year! I think you should buy some cheap wine, call some friends, and have a little holiday party. Just because you’re without kids and an SO, doesn’t mean you don’t have people in your life. Your family is obviously focused on the grandkids right now, but there’s plenty of other people out there to be festive with. Do you live in Chicago? You can come to my New Years Party!
That’s my problem. I’m new to the area and have no friends. Attempts to meet people have met with failure. Right now my family’s all I got And I’m in Oregon, but thanks for the offer
Like yellowval, we draw names at Thanksgiving for the adults in the family. I think it would really stink not to get at least one present. As high minded as we try to be, i.e., “Christmas gifts are for the children”, we’re still human and feel the dissappointment.
Each of the adults still buy for each of the little ones.
This is my 22 year old niece’s first Christmas to be included in the adult draw. I’m not sure she really likes that, but since she’s pregnant with her 2nd child right now, we thought it was time.
I got $40 last year from a person as a Christmas gift and in a card. They were then mad because of my not spending it on medicine, I bought something that I wanted. I only get like $40 a year in discrectionary money. I buy what you would likely call necessary, but I can literaly live without purchasing. Shampoo, hand lotion, that kind of stuff. I just said that if it was to be spent strickly for the medicine, they should have said so. Any gift with strings attached should stipulate so on or in the packaging.
Each year we send gift cards to people who need it, but sign the card “Santa.” They have no idea it’s from us. I don’t know what they buy with it, but personally, I’d be thrilled if they bought something completely frivolous. They spend the whole year just trying to get by. Let Christmas be special for them.
I do understand. I’ve been home on Christmas eve with no present other than a work gift certificate for $10 dollars. I got an unexpected one on Christmas, but it suck’s to not have even one.
I’ve been trying to get out of celebrating Christmas for a number of years. For the last 3 years, I have actively been trying to get out of giving gifts to anybody but our kids and the grandbaby. Then I’ll quit giving the kids anything, then the grandkid will be grown…
Anyway, four different ways of handling gifts:
mr.stretch’s Mom and Stepdad do not buy gifts for any of the kids in the family after they turn 18. When you turn 18, you get to play The Game at the Xmas party, where everyone brings a gift to exchange. If you don’t show for the party, no gift for you. This year’s party was on Saturday and I got a shadowbox in The Game; mr.stretch got a level. Two of our kids were there and played The Game; the third child couldn’t be there so she got nothing, but her son is under 18 and I have his gift on my kitchen table.
mr.stretch’s Dad and Stepmom–I explained to them that we are no longer exchanging gifts with adults and they send us a check anyway. That Xmas gathering was on Sunday and this year we went to their house for the first time in years. We got towels and a Costco giftcard. mr.stretch insisted on bringing them a present (in defiance of my wish to stop this crap) so we gave them a bottle of wine. mr.stretch’s son will receive something from them, my kids will not get anything.
We don’t see my Dad and Stepmom at the holidays. I told them that we were no longer exchaning gifts but they still send me a check each year–with a post-it note instructing me on who gets how much. I send them a Christmas Card with a note acknowledging receipt of funds and appropriate dispersal. Very exciting for everyone.
My Mom and Stepdad–we go see them on Christmas day, since we live about 10 miles away. I explained to my mom that we were no longer exchanging gifts so last year I got a pair of socks and mr.stretch got a shirt. We’ll see if it takes this year.
I give each of our three kids the same amount of money–however much I think we can afford that year. I will spend whatever amount I want on the grandbaby. Of course, he’s only 2 so he doesn’t care too much what he gets. I don’t expect or want the kids to give me anything.
We’ve evolved in our family to buy presents for the nieces and nephews, but not the SILs or BILs. The SILs and BILs can buy presents for their respective spouse and for the kids.
Grandma spends more money on the grandkids than the adults, and that’s fine by us. This year, we’re not getting my folks anything…just bringing over munchies for dinner.
In some ways I can’t wait till my brother and his wife have kids and in others I’m dreading it. The stuff mentioned in the OP is part of the dread. It’s bad enough that I already feel like a second class citizen in my family because I’m gay (things like, my sister in law is always included in family stuff like pictures but my SO of 6 years is not) but soon there will be the grandkid thing too.
And I’m in Oregon, but thanks for the offer 