I hate the gift giving aspect of Christmas. I hate having to pay for the gifts. I hate choosing the gifts, especially since I might be wasting my money on something the person doesn’t want but is socially obligated to act grateful for.
I also hate getting gifts. Almost every gift mostly fills me with the thought “how long do I have to keep this before I can get rid of it without the giver noticing?”, but gifts to my children are one more level of pain in the ass because I have to make them write thank you notes, which will only encourage the gift givers.
There is one aunt left who sends my (16, 14, 9 yr. old) kids gifts. I cannot figure out any way to ask her stop without hurting her feelings and damaging our relationship.
Perhaps if I just stop making my kids write thank you notes she will be discouraged? But then she will also think I am raising my kids wrong, still have her feelings hurt, and our relationship may still be damaged, though probably only at a simmering, never-spoken-of way.
It may be hard to imagine, but you will (hopefully) not be the only major relationship in your kids’ lives. They will eventually have significant others, in-laws, bosses, and friends to whom they will have to relate like civilized people. This is your chance to properly prepare them for that, no matter how tiresome it seems.
Are you serious? I agree that some of the social requirements of receiving gifts (i.e., thank you notes) can be a tad on the annoying side, but surely sending off a quick note isn’t that huge a deal. Do your kids like getting gifts? Do you bother giving them any or is that too much for you, too?
If gifts are received, you’ve got to thank people for them. If not via thank you notes, a call might work to say thank you. (Hint: calls are also a good way to exercise social skills - you’d be astonished at how many kids have no idea how to carry on a conversation…or maybe not - I don’t know.)
Anyway, one rule we’ve instituted at our Christmas celebrations is that the adults no longer receive any gifts. We can all buy what we want and it’s just not fun trading gift cards. It significantly lessens the pressure the adults feel trying to please other adults and the kids get what they get (and either write a thank you note or thank the adult in person).
I would tell people that you’re teaching the children the value of holiday charitable giving and to please instead of gifts consider just sending a card and/or making a donation to Toys for Tots or something like that. I did it about 10 years ago and at this point my family has ceased with the Xmas gifts (they used to still send them but have stopped), I make a nice donation every year and everyone is much happier. It’s a good way to break the cycle but it may take a while and some reminders.
I don’t like the formal thank you note concept, saying thank you in any form is all that’s needed. But doing it intentionally to stop the gifts sounds a little off. I like BoBettie’s idea to request charitable contributions instead of gifts, but I know it didn’t work when I tried it, but the solution may be to donate the gifts when received and let the aunt know you did that when you thank her.
Carlotta, I feel the same way. I really feel the gift-giving system walks on its last legs. More and more people feel like you do. My guess is that gifts will be replaced with experiences.
For the Dutch, Dec 5th is the gift giving holiday, but otherwise there are many similarities. Thankfully, Dec 5th is mostly a gove-the-kids-a-gift holiday, and adults can and often do agree not to partake in gift giving to each other.
I solve it by having the kiddo make a wish list beforehand, and telling the grandma’s how he loves that particular thing. We arrange to maybe share the costs with me or some other relative. Usually they order it and package it if we celebrate the holiday at their house. So that reduces the number of crappy gifts. Writing a heart-felt thank you note after such a gift is not hard at all
I also advise relatives who really want a relationship with the kiddo to arrange a visit where they take the kid somewhere and maybe buys something there. That is also fun for the parents, who either come with or have a day off themselves. This year, our sons grandfather took his son and grandson to a temporarylegos exhibition and bought him an large lego set there. They both had much more fun than if he had simply sent us the gift.
We thankfully don’t have the tradition of distant relatives that hardly know the kid, sending gifts. That seems to me like a crappy tradition that benefits no-one but the mail. In such a case I would inform the relatives that you propose to let them off the hook, and maybe think about alternatives or just stopping the whole thing.
Why, specifically, do you want your aunt to stop sending gifts? Just because you don’t enjoy receiving them doesn’t mean your kids don’t either. If the gifts really are total stinkers, well, as **cher3 **pointed out, your offspring will go on to have additional relationships in their lives, and it will be helpful for them to know how to graciously deal with, say, their new boss gifting them with a box of treats to which they’re allergic, for example.
At sixteen, your oldest should know enough to know to write his/her own thank-you notes without prompting … or would, if Mom had taken the time and trouble to both teach *and *model gratitude.
oh good lord, I can see I’ve made myself sound like a monster. I’ve always modeled gratitude for my children. I’ve always made them write thank you notes. I’ve always written thank you notes myself.
My post was a cry a frustration (after arguing with kids about writing thank you note for gifts they didn’t care about). I really am just so sick of all the gifts. Surely anybody that’s had to spend any time decluttering has come up against the reality that most Christmas gifts eventually end up in the thrift store or the actual trash.
But I’m really not a mean lazy selfish person who thinks life is all about me. I just wish there was a way out our way of celebrating Christmas…I wish I could go back to my new mommy self with new babies who didn’t know about a holiday that’s all about getting and come up with some new way of celebrating a festival in the darkness of winter that isn’t about lots of gifts.
Oddly, I am not in favor of thank-you notes for gifts, but the OP has listed one of my exceptions.
Obviously if there’s a gift exchange and you both open your gifts then & there- no need for a note. The excited expressions of glee are enough.
But here, the aunt is older and the kids are younger, and there’s no exchange. And the age difference is too high for a email thank you.
Yes, they need to write the note.
Few of the gifts I get wind up either in “the thrift store or the actual trash”. A few can be re-gifted if you have a “White Elephant” exchange party, sure. And the wrong size is Ok to exchange.
I find the holidays can be a minefield of delicate sensibilities, tradition mixed with nostalgic desire to re-live childhood experiences that never quite meet expectations, and a million and one ways to upset or disappoint family members. I love Christmas, but it comes with a giant bundle of stress (wrapped in gold and green paper with a bright red bow!).
This may sound weird, but I realized a few years ago that my job as a gift-receiver is just as important as that of gift-giver. While I mostly don’t need any more gifts ever, I totally love that my family and/or friends take the time to think of me. Accepting a gift graciously and with enthusiasm is, in its own way, a form of gift-giving. Or, to put it a little differently, is a vital component of a two-way communication. Gift giving is not about the object, but about making a connection, and sacrificing a little bit (time and/or money) for the sake of another.
So, I try to not think about it as being “socially obligated” to act grateful for, but instead I’m sincerely happy to reinforce the bond between me and the gift-giver . . . even if I don’t have any use for the gift and it goes into the trash.
Eonwe, I feel the same way - but only with gifts from people I love or like. To be a gracious gift receiver when I don’t like the gift giver, nor the e gift, and when I have a strong suspicion the feeling is mutual, is asking too much. I feel very strongly in such cases that the best gift for all involved is to stop the charade.
The minefield is with those relatives who claim love, but where I don’t feel that at all. The whole thing feels like perpetuating a lie.
Despite my earlier post, I do completely understand your frustration (which is why all adults in my family decided to no longer give gifts to each other). The way I look at it, Christmas is for spending time with family members I don’t get to see nearly as frequently as I would like to; the gift giving is kind of a disruption of that, especially the way it is today - people go into debt for Christmas, for Pete’s sake!
Anyway, I see where you’re coming from and I actually agree, but also see the value in note-writing. It’s definitely a dying (sometimes annoying) art.
As a mother who is sadly lax about sending thank you notes (or making the kids send them) I can tell you that your strategy won’t get dear Aunty to quit sending gifts. She will still send gifts; she will just be upset and tell everyone that your children and you no longer appreciate her efforts. I hear this every year from my mother–not about my kids, because they make her feel appreciated, but about the other family kids who “don’t even bother to pick up the phone or send a thank you EVER in all these years.” This can lead to hard feelings for…well, forever.
Eonwe made a good point, and I try to remember it when elderly friends want to give me gifts: sometimes giving is a social need, and it’s really important to the giver to be allowed to give a gift because of the way it makes her feel…even if you really don’t need those soup cups or odd socks.
I hate December. It seems that everyone and their brother wants to cram as many parties into 31 days that is humanly possible. In between parties and work, it seems that every minute is filled with cleaning, cooking, shopping, baking and wrapping. By the end of the year, everyone is just frazzled. It’s sadly the opposite of what Christmas is supposed to be about. And it’s a shame.
So while I can’t advise being rude to someone who means well, I hear ya.
