Rude Holiday Ingrates!

The BBQ Pit
1

Each year I do the shopping for our family. For months I look through hundreds of catalogs that come in and dog ear pages when I see something that I think that someone on my Christmas list would like. I enjoy trying to find just the right things, ordering them, and having them shipped just in time for the holidays to those relatives and friends that I don’t get to see.

There were three of these packages that were ordered this year for delivery. In all three cases I waited several days after they were supposed to be delivered before checking the tracking to see if they had arrived. All three packages had been delivered as scheduled.

I waited another day or so. Still no response. My husband checked on a couple of these packages and found that they had indeed made their way into the right hands. But even after a week, these relatives had been “too busy” to let us know.

We still don’t know if the package shipped to our four year old granddaughter on the other side of town was something that she liked. We had wanted her to open it when she got it, but her Mom and Dad wanted to put it under the tree on Christmas morning. We haven’t heard a word.

Also, no word from a friend whose daughter has been ill. All I know is that tracking said that the package was delivered.

We used to give presents to another of my husband’s sons and his wife. His wife complained about the first present until I bought it back from her. After that, they got gift certificates. They quit giving us anything and eventually quit coming to visit for Christmas. We still sent checks. The only way we knew that they got them was when the checks were endorsed.

At one point, my husband and I did say that a little note or a phone call or a simple “thank you” would be appreciated. The son’s response was that he had never been taught to say thank you. (He’s a National Merit Scholar who was in his early thirties at the time.)

What is it with these people? Is this kind of behavior the norm these days? Am I over-reacting? (I haven’t said anything to any of the three who didn’t respond this Christmas.)

2

Zoe, I’d suggest not sending gifts in the future, after issuing one warning. My mother flat-out warned her grandchildren (fortunately, aimed more at my sister’s kids than mine!) this year, “If I don’t get at least a thank-you phone call within a week of your receipt of your gift, this is the last gift you get from me.” Surprise, she got calls or emails from all of them, and promptly, too. :smiley:

3

I agree. You have to stop sending gifts.

Alternatively, you could send them cards informing them that donations have been made in their names to selected charities. That way you will have acknowledged these family members on the holidays while helping someone that appreciates it at the same time.

4

I sent checks to my kids this year. So far only one ‘thank you’. They should know better, as I’ve cut them off in the past for not showing some manners, and will do it again.

Stop rewarding the ingrates. All you are doing is perpetuating poor behavior and being considered a fool by the recipients for doing it .

5

At the family Christmas tree this year, my 7-year-old nephew took his presents into his room, closed the door, and opened them in private. We didn’t get a thank you and didn’t get to see him open them either. None of this seemed to surprise his parents.

I’ll probably still get him something next year. I guess I’m a sucker.

6

Busy parent here…

I’ll get to the thank yous after New Years!

Hold your friggin horses - the wrapping paper hasn’t even made it out to the curb yet.

7

If you love doing the presents so much, do the presents for the sake of the presents. If you’re miserable and resentful because no one appreciates all the time and effort you put into it, stop doing it. Sure, the giftees are rude for not acknowledging your gifts, but you’re the one who keeps giving rude people gifts.

Um, complained about a gift until you bought it back from her?!? What planet is she from where this is acceptable behaviour, and why are you letting her get away with it? Someone complains about a gift from me, I tell them to give it back then, and that’s the last gift/gift certificate/cheque they will ever see from me.

8

Give him underwear! :smiley: That’ll show him.

9

Oh yeah, and my rude ingrate was my BIL. He acted like it was a major imposition for him to open his gifts. Nary an expression of gratitude was heard. And after dinner, he got into his car and left, without saying anything to anyone.

The rest of us had a good time.

10

Just an idea here FWIW -

I requested a card be included with a gift I sent out. It wasn’t. Until I asked my sister if she’d gotten her gift, she and her husband had been thinking it was probably from his sister since it was a gift that she would have sent. Maybe no card was included???

11

With my brother-in-law and stepson, we checked by email and a phone called to be sure the packages weren’t swiped from their front steps. With the friend with the daughter who is ill, I had discussed with the friend what I would send.

I’m sure that I won’t stop sending gifts, but I have noticed that it is my brother-in-law’s girlfriend and I that see that the gift-giving is done. Maybe I will conspire with her to see that the men who are brothers handle the details next year.

That was our first experience of being together. She was a guest in our home over the holidays. She also burned up a lampshade and never said a word about it. Too well-bred, I guess. She’s very persnickity. The most unsocialized person I’ve ever met – which is her privilege. Looks down her nose at Southerners. She says that our accents get on her nerves. Very devout though.

The gift that went unacknowledged from my stepson this year was for my little granddaughter. I don’t want to deprive her because of her parents’ ill manners. Next year I will just call my granddaughter and let her know that we have a nice surprise for her at our house and that she should get her parents to bring her over for a visit to get it. I’ll keep sending her cards, telegrams and telephone reminders until she nags them into it. :smiley:

The friend’s daughter is dying. I can understand why their minds are occupied with other things. However, the friend is married to my ex-husband. He’s a really good guy but not well-mannered.

Thanks for commiserating. I’m all better now.

12

I was brought up with the rule being that thank you notes had to be written within one week of opening presents/gifts, unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances, namely, both of your arms had been cut off or you were in a coma.

Zoe, your National Merit Scholar relative is a well and true asshole.

aaslattan, sounds like your both your nephew and his parents need to take a basic course in ettiquette and manners. Your nephews behavior was appalling, but his parents not having any problems with it is outrageous.

13

The son who never learned to say “thank you” :rolleyes: notwithstanding, I think you’re over-reacting about not getting your thank you notes yet. Most people I know are buried under familial obligations/entertaining/holiday nonsense until after New Year’s. Hell, I just got home, myself, and probably won’t have the time to get to notes til the end of the week, at least. Given how busy and stressful this time of year is for nearly everyone, I’d wait til mid-January before getting peeved about it.

For the habitually ungrateful, however, I suggest boxes full of coal under their trees next year.

14

Who said anything about thank you notes? You get a gift delivered, you open it, even if you wait until Christmas day, you call the person who sent the gift and you say thank you. Hell, even if you don’t like it, you at least acknowledge its receipt and offer a little bit of gratitude for the thought and effort that was extended to you. We’re not talking about long distance or international calls here, we’re talking about people who live across town from Zoe. There is no excuse that is sufficient (for those who don’t have a dying child to worry about, at least) for neglecting to make a local phone call after four full days. Five minutes is all it takes. If you can’t spare five minutes to say thank you, you don’t deserve to get jack shit.

I agree with the repeated sentiment that ungrateful adults need to be cut off without regard to familiar relation or feelings of obligation. There is no obligation to give gifts to someone who is inconsiderate and repeatedly demonstrates a lack of personal integrity and decency. Rewarding habitual rudeness in such a fashion only reinforces the acceptability of the behavior in the feeble minds of the receiving nitwits. It’s a bad lesson to teach.

As for children, I think you’re on the right track, Zoe. Let the kids come to you and get their gifts directly. That way you know that they got the gifts, that they’re not being deprived of them by asshatted parents, and they can express their appreciation in their own way, even if it is that offhanded kids’ brand of distracted thanks.

15

I’m sorry that you have so many family/friends who aren’t considerate. That’s certainly a drag.

That said:

I’m with featherlou–give the gifts because you like to be thoughtful. End of story. Whether or not you get thanks, and whether those thanks arrive in the appropriate time period, with sufficient effusiveness, in the proper format, or whatever, ought to be a smaller matter.

As for being miffed about not getting confirmation of packages, the point of tracking packages is that you know, without your recipients having to call you, that the shipment arrived.

And as many people have noted, during a busy holiday season, especially one that has so many people fighting illness, one should give some leeway as to time. It is, by my calendar, three days after Christmas, and this day is one on which mail isn’t delivered. Sure a phone call takes little time, but it’s still a pretty hectic time for many families.

Of course thank-yous are considerate and among many people, thought to be absolutely required. However, as uncouth as this practice may seem, I know people who think that because Christmas is a time of massive give-and-take gift exchanges, that thank-yous aren’t necessary. That is, unlike a one-sided event where only one party (like a bridal couple or expecting parents or new baby) gets gifts, at Christmas many people are getting gifts. It’s not all an even exchange, but there’s a lot of give and take going on. In the minds of some, that makes thank-yous null and void. You may or may not agree–I’m just telling you.

I’m not entirely up on my Emily Post, but I’d warrant that some of the people who are up on their high horses about etiquette on this thread are giving advice that runs counter to those values.

16

They haven’t given you presents in the past couple of years and don’t thank you for the ones they’ve received. It seems to me that they’re telling you what they want in terms of gift giving-- nothing. The polite thing to do is respect their ultra-subtle hints and stop giving them presents unless the one-sidedness of it makes you happy.

The kids aren’t to blame though, so have them come over for their presents (brilliant idea zoe). That way they can thank you in person. So that you can make sure the grandkids are taught to say thank you at least. :wink:

I was taught that you had a week to send thank you notes and a phone call only bought you a couple of extra days, busy time of year or not. Then again, my mom was mucho into thank you notes. When we were too young to write, she had us draw little pictures of ourselves enjoying our new toy and mailed that with a short note of her own. It was fun, really! Not Joan Crawford/wire hangers-ish at all.

17

It’s totally inconceivable that people have forgotten how to be even remotely considerate. I remember back to Christmases past when I was but a wee lad and my mom would have a notepad to write down what we recieved from each out-of-town relative (being defined as anone not in the room opening presents with us - regardless of place of residence). We then had until bedtime on 12/27 to have a thank you written, read by a parent, and sealed in an envelope or else all presents would be taken from us. Well, I think that was just a bluff, but the threat worked, and it instilled in my siblings and me the habit of writing thank you notes. I think I was the only freshman male at the entire University who arrived at the dorms with a pack of thank you cards stuffed in the stolen milk crates…

18

Get him an Etiquette for Kids book. Sounds like he’s being raised by wolves.

(Although I’m a fine one to talk, I’m not big on social skills either.)

19

I agree completely, particularly with the bolded sentence.

Example, this year. I sent my mother and stepfather books from Amazon.com. She let me know when they arrived, about a week prior to Christmas, via e-mail. I also received a box from her, containing some presents for me and my family. The day after Christmas I sent a quick note to her, thanking her for the presents. I also attached a few photographs of our daughters taken with our new digital camera (my gift to my wife).

The response from my mother talked about the photos, seeing Return of the King, and what she got herself for Christmas. Nary a word about my gifts to them.

And you know what? I don’t really care. I was happy to give the gifts, and I know she got them. I’ll do the same next year, thank-you or no thank-you. Giving gifts isn’t about getting thanks… it’s about giving, period.

Frankly, I’m a little shocked at the vindicitiveness of many of the posters here. Holding next year’s gifts off like a threat on the condition of thanks for this year’s gifts seems totally against everything I was taught about giving.

I was taught that it’s polite to say your thank-you’s in a timely fashion (a week or so was sufficient), but I was also taught that gifts were given without the expectation of anything in return. Personally, I’ve always felt a great deal off affinity for the concept of giving without conditions, and I would never think of threatening someone with “No gifts next year!” the way some have suggested.

Color me surprised, and a little bit sad, at the vindictive attitudes of many here.

aaslatten, as far as your 7-year-old nephew goes, it’s probably just a phase. I have a nephew who did something similar one year, when he was 6, I believe, and his parents just went with it. The next year he was out and opening presents with us. I suspect it was just the quirk of the moment (kids have lots of them), and he certainly wasn’t being raised by wolves. :confused:

20

I don’t think my attitude of stopping giving gifts is vindictive (if I’m one of the people to which you were referring, Avalonian). I’m just saying that if the lack of appreciation is upsetting Zoe, then she should stop doing something that is making her unhappy.

(Zoe, again regarding your daughter-in-law - she doesn’t sound well-bred to me at all. She sounds like a pain in the ass.)