Honestly, I don’t know and I’m not about to guess. Either way though, I stand by the last sentence of my post–her family is probably going to feel awkward realising that she got absolutely squat for Christmas, unless someone randomly decides to give her something. She doesn’t have to be there while they open gifts, people talk about what they got, and they’ll probably ask about it.
I will say one thing though, and that is that we don’t know yet how much her parents are spending on the grandkids, maybe that’s being cut back too. So I’m not ready to be too hard on her parents. And they are treating all their kids equally–Aunt Flow just happens to be getting completely shafted because of other factors as well as this. I don’t have a problem with her parents deciding not to give their adult children gifts at all, I just think it’s lousy timing for Flow.
I think what Diana is saying is that, on Christmas morning, only the third-generation Flows will be opening stuff. As such, Flow herself will not be a sore thumb, because her siblings will not be opening stuff either.
Okay, fair enough, but what about the scenario others have discussed, in which Flow has to say “Nothing” when asked what she got for Christmas? Because she will get nothing, regardless of when and where she might open a potential gift. It would be nice if her parents just spared her a thought and few bucks, because her need is greater than that of her siblings. If you want to turn this around and say, “Well, she shouldn’t be opening a present in front of her siblings who are getting nothing from mom and dad,” then she could open it earlier or later. But the thought of her getting absolutely nothing, at any time, from anyone, makes me want to cry.
Look, a few years ago, Mr. Rilch and I had a last-minute guest for Christmas. He didn’t think he’d be able to get to L.A., but then he did. When I told my mom this, just in passing, she said, “If you don’t have anything for him, or you only have one thing, you can give him that shirt I got for Mr. Rilch.” That’s not a huge freaking sacrifice; she was just being thoughtful.
And now I am crying. Merry freaking Christmas, everybody.
That’s an assumption. But, even if that assumption is true, they sit at Christmas having already opened (or looking forward to opening) a Christmas gift. For all we know, many Christmas gifts. They probably get things from their spouses - maybe even several gifts, they probably get things from their kids. Their employers or employees may have gotten them something. They have in-laws they may exchange gifts with. Being married with kids, this is not their primary Christmas experience - its “Christmas at Grandmas.” For Aunt Flow, this is her primary Christmas experience - her only anticipated Christmas experience. And its a little sad that she can’t expect a single gift at Christmastime - and that her parents aren’t thoughtful enough to think that through. Are her parents obligated to give a gift - no, then it wouldn’t be a gift. Should her mother have thought this whole thing through a little more and said “you know, if I don’t buy anything for my own kids, Aunt Flow might not get any Christmas gifts at all” - yes.
Me, too, and that is what is causing all the tension in many people, I think. I really hate to see poor Aunt Flow go without a gift from anyone. And I’ve felt a bit of dampness in my eyes too. I think if her parents could do a small kindness and give her a gift - even apart from everyone else - it would really help the situation all around.
I am married and have a young child and also 2 sisters. Both sisters are adults, one is married and one is not. If I found out my parents were buying my child presents and not us adults, I would be upset on behalf of my sister, but not for me. It does make a difference when you have gifts coming from other places and other celebrations. I have Christmas with my own family, my parents’ side, my husbands’ family, and his extended family. My sister only has the one celebration with my parents. Of course this affects how you see Christmas and I would hope the OP’s siblings recognize this too.
First I would ask my parents to either cut back on my child’s gift and buy for my sister too, if they couldn’t do that or didn’t want to buy for her and not their other adult kids, I would buy something for my sister from my child or from “Santa”. I would never want my child to get something in place of my sister, and I would not expect my sister to give up her gifts for my child.
Yes, if it was between gifts for me or gifts for my child, I would happily give up my gift so my child could get one from my parents. That’s because he is my child and a gift for him is a gift for my family (especially if it’s a great toy that he loves and keeps him out of my hair ) But I would not expect my sister to go without for my child. I can kind of understand the parents’ predicament, they don’t want to buy her something and not the other adult children, and they feel they cannot afford both. I understand that. At this point I think the other siblings need to step up.
My mom’s sister has been single all her life, she is the only aunt us kids all still buy for, and the rest of the family understands that. We are the only family she has. It does make a difference. Adults know it doesn’t all have to be perfectly even or fair but that everyone should be made to feel loved and included.
I think Dangerosa is spot on. If I was Flow I’d be quite hurt because my not only did my parents not think enough of me to consider that I would not receive a single present, they had the gall to give me money to buy presents for those who were already going to get some. It’s like “we don’t care if you don’t get a single present, but here’s some money to buy gifts for people that we’re also buying gifts for.”
It’s rude and unconscionable to do that to your own children. We’ve always bought for our adult children and we get some things for the grandkids, but the grandkids primary Christmas is with their parents, and we wouldn’t dream of stiffing our own kids. If I was Flow I’d wrap up something really nice for myself and take it to the party, and open it saying “I didn’t want to feel left out during the gift opening so I brought this for myself.” Maybe her rude parents would get the drift.
Except that your understanding of “facts” is as fuzzy as your understanding of “self-reliant”. Where exactly was it stated that everyone would be opening gifts at the same time, in the same place, except Aunt Flow?
Rilchiam, that is what I meant, thank you. And now I’m stepping away, because when this many people aren’t understanding what I’m saying, I’m clearly saying it badly.
I don’t think that this is about the damn presents at all. Sure, on the surface it is, but that’s not the real issue here. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts. And apparently her own parents haven’t bothered to think, “Hmmm, she’s not got any good friends around here yet, she and the boys don’t exchange gifts, the kids never get her anything…if we don’t get her at least a little something, she probably won’t have any Christmas gifts at all. That would really suck for her.”
This thread, it’s not a spoiled little brat grizzling over missing out on loot. It’s someone hurting because her own family is so self-absorbed they can’t stop to spend 45 seconds actually thinking about what a rough time this probably is for her, realize that their actions are making it rougher, and toss her even a small scrap of kindness and consideration.
Those of you with kids have probably seen Lilo & Stitch, so you know the quote about ohana: Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Well, the OP is being forgotten in the giddy rush of seeing the kiddies’ delighted little faces. Making someone feel shunted aside, not even an afterthought, that’s so not treating them as a member of the family. And when you don’t treat someone like a member of the family, they don’t feel like a member of the family. And that’s just shitty, no matter how you slice it.
We have aunts on both sides - mine and his - that have been single all their lives, and yes, they are the only aunts we buy for. It would be cruel to leave them out. Maybe they’ll get gifts from their coworkers or whatever but I wouldn’t want the time to pass without gifts from their family.
DianaG, actually, you’re right in that there is no guarantee that all the people will be opening gifts together. So I apologize for assuming that.
Now I wonder why when the parents handed Aunt Flow money to buy gifts for the kids, they didn’t hand her and extra $20 - $20!!! - and say the same spiel but add “so here’s $20. It’s all we can afford, but buy yourself something nice.” And that would have at least taken the edge off of it.
Aunt Flow, are you coming back? Can you answer some questions?
Is everyone going to be opening all their gifts at once? If not, then, like ** DianaG** says, you can take comfort in the fact that you won’t be the only adult not opening presents.
Is there some resentment, perhaps, from your parents, toward you? Maybe because you moved out, or haven’t married yet?
If not, maybe you can bring it up gently if they ask. For example, if they say “What did you get for Christmas, dear?” and when you say “Nothing” maybe you can elaborate a little further? Non-accusingly, non-judgemental, just a very simple answer. “I haven’t had an opportunity to make friends yet and I don’t know my coworkers well enough.”
I absolutely do think that the kids should be giving gifts to Aunt Flow, though. I was giving gifts to my single aunt at an extremely young age, even if they were just awful hand-made cards!
As I said, it is not intentional, it is a human response that is not necessarily rational at all. The point of gifts is a tangible token of affection. Something you can hold in your hands in the absence of your loved ones. That gives it tremendous value, no matter what its monetary worth.
That’s why we have the cliche: “It’s the thought that counts.” For a parent to tell achild: “We have no intention of buying you a gift. We will give more to them and nothing to you” is something people take to heart, logic and rationality be damned. It does wiegh on your heart, even though in your mind you know better.
And yes, I’m sure the OP would enjoy seeing her nieces and nephews enjoying their gifts, I’m just saying it still stings when there is an underlying message, however unintentional, that your joy is not as important as theirs, you may feel taken for granted.
For example, I would gladly sacrifice any gifts so that my loved ones could have some. But it would sadden me if my loved parents made didn’t consider my feelings enough to realize that a huge disparity (kids, get LOTS, I get none) would make me sad.
This is your first post with which I agree 100%. I guess I should have made a bigger deal of this in my own posts. I don’t understand why Aunt Flow feels she is getting absolutely nothing from her brothers. There is something in this family dynamic that is not right. If they can afford children and a home, they can afford to have their kids make something, as I’ve said before.
And since I am getting shit for the $50, comment, I’ll expand. (Perhaps my perspective is colored by shopping for teenagers, but it is hard to stay under $50. One pair of Levis and a CD, and you are over it. Even the book I bought cost $75.) There are two primary gift givers children: their parents and their grandparents. I’ve never spent more than $25 per niece or nephew, and obviously you can buy some books or some clothing. But, their grandparents are going to want to spend more. Maybe a nice Fischer-Price playhouse. Oops, that is $50. How about a learning center? Oops, $55. Little People gifts? They run in the $25-$35 range. So, if they want to buy more than one toy and two books, they will run over $50. I said $50, because I think the large majoriy of grandparents who can afford it will spend that much. If they can’t afford it, then an adult expecting something bought for Christmas, in addtion, is expecting too much.
Obviously gifts can be hand made, and to most of us, those mean more than bought gifts. But the Op is distinctly in the context of shopping. Anaamika, the op was motivated by a conversation that occurred while eathing out with her mom during a shopping trip. Clearly mom does take her out. To be honest, I’d love to find out afterwards if Aunt Flow truly gets nothing. If her brothers, or at least the one brother’s wife, do not give her something, perhaps made by the kids, then there is a lot more going on here than the Op is willing to divulge.
The op did ask if she was being a bad person. I don’t recall any posts saying she was. Anyone would be at least a little hurt. The op also asked if she was being immature. Maturity is not selflessness. Maturity is marked by how you respond to hurts compared to others of your age. A 15 year old might well be crushed, even a 21 year old. Well, posting a message outside of the pit in which the words “shit” and “bitch” occur, because of the lack of Christmas presents doesn’t come across like a mature 28 year old adult.
It’s easy to take the high road and be above the whole gift exchanging thing when you don’t need for anything, either materially or emotionally. It’s a spot more difficult when we don’t.
If I knew someone wouldn’t be getting a Christmas gift this year, I’d get them one. Mom should quit focusing on the grandkids, who have all their needs met, and focus on the person standing right in front of her who doesn’t.
And another question, Flow: You said you know that your parents will be spending hundreds on your nieces and nephews, but do you know know it, or do you just figure it will be that way because it always has been before? I suppose it doesn’t matter much, but if they really are spending hundreds, again, and can’t scale that back to get something for their own kids, I wonder about their priorities.
A-freakin’-men.
[Chris Rock]SEN’NY-FI DOLLAR?! GOOD LORD! How 'bout you gimme twenny-fi dollar, and I get a used copy off Amazon Marketplace?[/CR]
I’m curious to know what book costs $75, but meanwhile, so it takes $50 to properly (in your opinion) giftify a grandchild. Suppose that doesn’t happen. You think the kids will be scarred for life? They have a lot of childhood ahead of them to have happy Christmases. It doesn’t sound as if they’ve been promised and promised the one gift that will make their life complete, and it’s either that gift or a gift for Flow. Others have said that little kids don’t CARE about the total cost of their presents. They just like to tear paper open and play with moving parts.
And as far as your assessment of Flow’s maturity. What would you like her to do, then? She’s upset and she’s hurt. She’s not the only person who has cursed outside the Pit. I suspect there is more to this than she’s told so far, and it may well be worth cursing about.
Um, we do know someone. Aunt Flow. I realize this is more about feeling loved than about the gifts, and it is too late to order something, but if everyone who has posted here contributed just $5.00, she could shop for herself and get a present from us.
I think I’ve been getting a little confused by this thread, and missing DianaG’s point as a result–it never really occured to me that the siblings would be having two gift opening celebrations. My family doesn’t really do the communal gift-opening thing, so I was thinking either they would be all opened at the seperate houses, or all at the grandparents’, not some at each. We do have celebrations together as a family, but generally the only person who ever opens gifts at those is Grandpere.
(I don’t really have anything to add at this point, it’s all been said)
) But I would not expect my sister to go without for my child. I can kind of understand the parents’ predicament, they don’t want to buy her something and not the other adult children, and they feel they cannot afford both. I understand that. At this point I think the other siblings need to step up.