How on Earth did I miss this? I know what I’m doing with my afternoon. Bwah ha ha ha
hardygrrl
You mean you didn’t already?
You got it easy. Every time I see a dildo, I visualize Mike Nesmith. So much for my weekend…
The Daily Camera site didn’t have it anymore-a better link, please?
I wanna see Phun Phallic Photograph!!!
…I’m not making this up, you know, but if I were, I couldn’t top this for weirdness.
“El Penis Bandito” took the law and the penises into his own hands (and haven’t we all?) and swiped the display!
Seriously.
On Saturday, “El Penio(?) Bandito”, in full view of all patrons, took down the Penis Performance, and left a flag with a note attached in it’s place. The flag had “El Penio Bandito”'s name and address. Because he was so considerate as to leave his card with a note saying something like (“I’ve got the dildoes. If you want 'em back, here’s my address!”) this is the first case that the Boulder Police Department has ever solved!!! If only Jon-Benet’s killer had been so considerate.
When asked, the library staff (the Penis Staff!) said they didn’t stop the sticky-fingered Penis Bandit. The official response from the library was that a children’s program was going on, and the librarians didn’t want to “traumatize” the children by calling the police.
The Penis Artiste isn’t sure if she wants to press charges, and the Cultural Commissar, like Br’er Rabbit, she still don’t say nuthin’
I say, it’s time to grasp the Penis Display with both hands and realize that we’ve all been stiffed by the lack of concern the library showed about this work of art!
Fenris
PS, Guin: I found another picture of the Penile Piece, in the glory days before it was swiped! Go here. If you click on the picture, you’ll get a better shot.
I just heard an excerpt of an interview with the Penis Artiste!
The Penis Artiste is upset that some people have been trying to wrap her penises in the flag! (Personally, I hate it when that happens!) She also says her exhibit has nothing to do with the flag.
She also says that she didn’t use nooses to have the penises hung and her display isn’t anti-men, or intended to show violence against men, despite the severed trophy-penis look of the display. She says it’s about healing( 
). Hmmmm…so she’s saying that a good fuck (possibly with a dildo?) will make a victim of domestic violence heal? That’s not what I would consider a healthy message, but I’m a man, so presumably I don’t get it. I wonder if she holds men’s penises against them? And speaking of holding things against people, she’s not sure whether to press charges against the Phallic Felon, but she’s relieved that the penises are safe in the custody of the Boulder police.
The entire nation holds it’s breath in anticpation of the newest climax of the saga!
Fenris
Lewis and Floorwax, a couple local radio personalities, are trying to find a lawyer for “Penis Bob” aka El Penis Bandito, as they call him. I didn’t hear the whole story, but I assume that if a lawyer is needed, the Cock Commissar is pressing charges.
Ah Boulder, I’ll miss you when I leave. What other town could bring the whole patriotism vs. free speech argument down to the Flag vs. Severed Penii?
Just as an aside, El Penis Bandito only took 20 of the 21 penises. The 21st, a Purple Passion Penis was swiped before Bob got there. The Purple Passion Penis is missing, and presumed sexy.
Fenris
I just want to say that hearing about this moving display of colored dildoes with the Big White Male Oppressor Jumbo Dildo in the middle has caused me to drastically re-evaluate my values and priorities in life. I have decided to stop being a racist (starting after the weekend) and to quit beating my wife as well. Well, I’m actually not married, but I’ve decided now that if I ever do get married, I won’t beat her up. Because of the dildoes.
Bob Scene: Then the Penis Artiste has succeeded. Although, once the term “Jumbo White Male Opressor Dildo” started circulating, she claimed that there was no racial component intended in her work of art. She says that the lone, jumbo, white dildo only represents (close to verbatim quote here) “The one white sock that’s always goes missing in the dryer”. What dryer-eating socks have to do with the theme of domestic violence remains a mystery to the ages.
And the newest update: the Boulder branch of the ACLU, using the stunning good P.R. sense usually associated with PETA’s “Throw blood on hamburger-eating children at McDonalds”-style campaigns, has gotten involved. Despite the fact that the Penis Artiste doesn’t want to press charges, the library doesn’t want to press charges and the cops don’t want to press charges, the Boulder ACLU has “demanded” (their word) that the Boulder Police prosecute El Penis Banditio. :rolleyes: Presumably they want him charged with “Grand Theft: Penis”
Fenris
It seems possible (with her penis to sock analogy)that The Penis Artiste may have taken some of her inspiration from Monty Python:
“You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock”
However, she didn’t take heed of the admonition at the end of the song:
“But don’t take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won’t … come… back”
Will El Penis Bandito be tried before a jury of his Pee-ers?
If found guilty, will they recommend that he be well-hung?
[sub]Personally, when I saw the picture, I assumed that someone had stolen it to use as a Christmas decoration. A little holly, a few lights, and it would make quite the festive little decoration.[sub]
It is a phallusy that Boulder allows the death penalty.
And, I forgot to mention in my last update, this is
PURPLE PASSION PENIS held hostage Day 3!
To date, the penisnappers have made no demands. The PURPLE PASSION PENIS is still presumed “sexy”. It’s partner, THE OTHER PURPLE PASSION PENIS had this impassioned plea to the Penisnappers: " < sob > He was so gentle. Then so rough. Then so gentle again! < sob >. Please! I’ll pay! Just bring him back erect!"
One of his neighbors, THROBBING GREEN LUST DICK commented “Hey, PURP was a nice guy, y’know? I mean IS a nice guy. We usta hang together in the ‘liberry’, freakin’ out the kids an’ th’ ol’ ladies. I hope he’s ok.”
The glorious leader, JUMBO WHITE MALE OPRESSOR PENIS said “I value PURPLE PASSION PENIS, but we will not negotiate with Penisnappers. But whoever you are, WE! WILL! FIND! YOU!”
There’s also a rumor that the Penises are greatful to El Penis Banditio for saving them from the Penisnapper. I AM CURIOUS YELLOW said “I was so scared. I woke up and PURPLE WAS GONE! OTHER-PURPLE was alone and sobbing. Then that nice man came and hid us. If he hadn’t come along, we might all be DEAD or TUG-AHOYed[sup]tm[/sup] or worse! He’s a hero, dammit! A HERO!”
BLUE BALLS, a co-worker of PURPLE suggests the following “I think that as a sign of solidarity for PURPLE and to let him know we care, I think all concerned people should wear a purple ribbon around their own penises. He’d like that.”
We’ll see if I can get interviews with any of the Phalluses.
This is your roving reporter Fenris, signing off!
I know you meant “dickoration,” right?
Are you sure of that? I think you should provide corroborating evidence with a link to the Colorado State Penile Code.
thinksnow:
Oh, man — How could I have missed it?
Don’t need to.
It’s self evident that nowhere in Boulder will you find 12 jurors who will condom him.
They wouldn’t condom him?. You’re talking about covering up a penis theft here.
I find it hard to believe that the citizens of Boulder would just blow it off. Aren’t there even a few citizens of Boulder who will stand up and do their part to eradickate crime?
Well, I’m sure El Penis Banditio excited to hear this, otherwise, he’d surely be boned. Do you think, when he get’s out, he’ll engorge himself on some homecooking?
Look: El Penis Bandito isn’t gonna fry. The powers that be don’t want him to!
You just don’t understand about Boulder. They’re so repressive there that the mayor is appointed, rather than voted on in free and open erections. Things aren’t debated in a pubic forum, only behind closed doors.
And you should see how the cops treat the mayor with vas deferens!
When I first read this, I thought it said penis-snappers, which sounds much worse than penis-nappers.
Very sick humor to follow:
No Jon Bonet Ramsey to cloud the headlines from Ft. Collins to Pueblo, guess they had to create some controversy.