The great Contest: Master Yoda vs Beavis & Butthead

Cafe Society
1

A rare Jedi Holocron, contain vast knowledge of the Force has been found. **Master Yoda **wants it for the Jedi Archives, and has offered a huge sum of credits for it.

But Jabba the Hutt (immune to the Jedi Mind Trick) who onws it, will not sell.

Unless…Master Yoda will agree to a little wager.

Two utter pains in the butt of a Hutt ( :smiley: ) have been wandering around, transported here via a time warp.

Beavis & his associate, Butthead. Well known as the slime at the bottom of the gene pool. Not quite idiots, not quite full-bore criminals, they cannot be classified or dealt with by traditional schools, medicine, mental healh care, or the law. And kicking their butts produces no lasting learning experiences.
The wager–Master Yoda (Head of the Jedi Academy & vastly experienced educator) will take in Beavis & Butthead (wastes of flesh & oxygen). He will train them at the Jedi Academy, for one year. Not to be Jedis, but to be useful for something better than janitorial work, droid-type labor, or wacking-off in public places. They must also learn hygene, & how to behave like gentlemen.

If Yoda achieves this in a year, he gets the holocron, free. If he fails, Yoda pays 5X his initial offer, gets no holocron, & has to keep Beavis & Butthead.

No surgery, genetic modification, bionic implants, or steriod use is allowed in the contest.

Impartial judges are to be assumed.

Can the greatest teacher in the Galaxy salvage two youths who are the poster children for wasted effort?

2

BH; Hey Beavis, like, look at that big froglike …thingy… over there, he’s wearing clothes, heh heh heh heh…
BV; You said “thingy”… hehehe!, hey Butthead, you thinking what I’m thinking?
BH; yeah, yeah, cool…
Together; FROG BASEBALL!!

Yoda; Judge me by appearances you should not, yes?, hmmmm?

BV; Whoa dude, it talks! this is gonna be cool…
BH; Let’s kick it’s ass!

Yoda; <draws his lightsaber and ignites the blade>Respect and Control you must learn, judge your opponent’s size you should not, size matters not

BH; He said “size”, hehehehe…
BV<channeling Cornholio> I AM CORNHOLIO, ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

…

(okay, I wrote myself into a corner, getting into the mindset of Yoda, hard it is, yes! )

3

Bosda, I find your ideas intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

4

This is the exact plot used in a number of Three Stooges shorts, where one professor of anthropology would bet another that he could turn three oafish louts into “gentlemen” by a certain time. Of course it generally ended in abject failure. And a pie-fight…TRM

5

Beavis could be trained as long as he is isolated from his life partner. As soon as he runs into Butthead again, his years of training go out the window.

6

No, because–

[ol]
[li]Yoda is smarter than the professors[/li][li]Beavis & Butthead are dumber than the Stooges[/li][li]Hi Opal[/li][li]Yoda is heavily armed.[/li][/ol]

7

If it were up to me to reform Beavis and Butthead, I’d start by imprisoning them somewhere where there was no junkfood, no tv, no rock music and they had to perform heavy manual labor all day. Then I would force them to exercise what intelligence they had by making the continued provision of food and water dependent on solving puzzles, like the tests where psychologists see if a chimp can figure out how to unlock a box to get a banana (dumbed down to whatever level Beavis and Butthead can actually solve). In short, I would cut them off from the life support of society and make them actually have to think and work to survive.

However, after five years of this I would probably have merely raised them from imbeciles to morons. Even Yoda would probably say “teach them I cannot”.

8

They may be morons, but at least they’re organized:

“We are morons, tried and true; and we’ll do our yell for you: NYYAHHH!”

9

Gimme 1000 credits on Yoda. As I recall, Beavis & Butthead tend to be unsupervised or improperly supervised during most of their mischief. Yoda will change that. With proper supervision, training, and discipline, even these two miscreants can be reformed into useful, productive citizens.

10

“Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”

“Heh-Heh. Heheh Heh Hehheh Heh”

50 mins later:

“Heh. Heheh. Heh. Heheh.”

"Still in front of the TV, are you? Nothing more to teach you, I have. "

*Actually, if B&BA were taught the ways of the Jedi, they would TOO easily fall down the path of the Darkside, and in that one, Cornholio would become the new Emperor, and Butt-head his apprentice.

11

Imagine Cornholio in Yoda speak? “The Great Cornholio I am!!! TP for my bunghole need I!!!”