The hardest you've ever laughed in your life

In My Humble Opinion
21

This will shatter any illusions you might have that I might be a nice guy.

One day, on a walk out with my wife, we paused at a picnic bench overlooking the the ocean (lots of those in the little touristy Northern California town we lived in at the time). The wife was about 6 1/2 months pregnant with our first child, and was feeling self-conscious about her swollen state.

Seeking reassurance, in the middle of the conversation, she said, “I’m sorry I’m so fat and ugly.”

And, I looked in her eyes, as caring and serious as I could be, and said, “Me, too.”

It is an absolute wonder that I have the use of all my limbs to this day, because I was utterly helpless with laughter for about half an hour, and, had she been the vindictive type…

Anyway, just a little lesson for the youngsters out there… get those digs in while you can, before your spirit is utterly broken in the traces of marriage.

22

A tie:

#1) The first time I heard Eddie Izzard do his Englebert Humperdink routine.

#2) I once had a job where I worked in the same department as a guy in a wheelchair. One day he’s rolling past my desk. He comes to a complete stop, looks at me, and then looks straight ahead. And then he says “TIMMAY!!!” and rolls away.

…I guess you had to be there.

23

When I was in nursing school, we were listening to another tedious lecture about the endocrine system. By way of example, the instructor pointed out that the shortest human who ever lived was an eighteen inch tall woman. My friend, Brent (whose sense of humor is as dry and twisted as mine), leaned close to me and whispered, “What if she was a nurse?”

After the initial fit of giggling, we passed notes back and forth, postulating on the travails of an 18" nurse trying to insert a urinary catheter, empty a bedpan, etc.

The next day, in our psych lecture, we continued the subject. Being of an artistic bent, I drew a perfect Gary Larsonesque cartoon, complete with a view of two fat doctors’ backs. Beyond them, only the patient’s head and toes were visible. The caption read,

“Whew! Well, Dr. Smith, we finally got that huge abdominal incision closed. Now, where’d that nurse go?”

Also bear in mind that this was in a smallish lecture class, so it was sort of like giggling in church. When I lost control and started to wet my pants, I had to leave the room. No one else except Brent thought it was funny, though.

24

When I was in college, I lived in a co-ed dorm that had men and women on alternating floors. The dorm was laid out such that in the center of each set of floors, there was a study lounge that was a balcony accessible from the women’s floors with stairs down to the actual lounge on the men’s floor.

This arrangement allowed for quite a few hijinks, not the least of which included balcony diving. All of the men on the floor would drag their mattresses into the lounge, pile them up in a heap and then run up the stairs to the women’s floor, climb over the balcony railing and swandive onto the mattress pile. Pretty innocuous in and of itself, huh?

However, my friend Scott had received a blowup doll for his 20th birthday…he named her Squeak. :wink:

Someone got the grand idea of bringing Squeak into the lounge and putting her onto the top of the mattress pile. Scott, being the good sport that he is, runs upstairs to do his mattress dive…he leaps over and lands dead square on top of Squeak. And both of her arms fly off simultaneously in opposite directions.

It was, without a doubt, the absolute funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed. :smiley:

25

xizor: Amen to George Carlin! And one magical night of Richard Pryor during his heyday. Part of it was audience-electricity–contaigous waves of laughter that kept building, cresting and just didn’t stop.

In person? At work, natch. Nothing more hilarious than when you absolutely cannot laugh.

Standard library perverts set the scene: a young couple got their hormones in an uproar and decided consummating their lust on the elevator would lend a bit of spice. So they pushed the shut-off button and proceed to hump like mink.

Unbeknownst to them, the magnificent, near-deaf old battleaxe working the desk had the manual override key. When people complained that elevator wasn’t responding she grabbed the key, marched over and manually opened the doors–onto a scene of hot, yowling mink-sex. She let out a shriek that could etch tungsten steel. Of course everyone in the building jerked around, just in time to see the two lovers bunny-hopping down the front stairs, bare-assed with their pants around their knees.

Wait–it gets worse.

Another staffer, just as deaf and near-blind, charged over to check out the excitement. She blundered onto the elevator, burning to help but the only trace of the crime were wisps of penetrating cologne. The following “conversation” was bellowed in full voice:

#1: DID YOU SEE THAT? (Good, lets alert anyone who managed to miss the show.)
#2: WHAAAT?
#1: THEY WERE…THEY WERE HAVING SEX! (Ah, fine–everyone in the county heard that; saves us from publishing it in the next newsletter.)
#2: (wanders back into elevator, in case she’d overlooked people copulating) OH. I THOUGHT SOMETHING SMELLED GOOD.

It was so godawful I just lost it–made a neat U-turn, dove behind a desk and wailed, whinnied, gulped, brayed, died laughing. Fortunately no kids were present and all the patrons, to a person, thoroughly cracked up too. I sent the two shaken-up battleaxes to the staff room to recover and covered desk in the meantime. Patrons were still pink-nosed and chortling a half-hour later.

Veb

26

I’ve posted this before, but it’s worth a second go round. I was in college, out with a friend of mine, Andy. Andy has MD, and gets around in a wheelchair. One night, we were out in Towson, had a few beers, not really drunk, when this older, heavyset woman comes up to Andy. Picture the type of woman who should be holding a yapping poodle, and you got it. She just gushes at Andy, in this sugar sweet voice." Oh, my dear, you do so well with being phyisically challenged!" Andy cocks his head back, looks her straight in the eye and says: " Lady, I’m not physically challenged, I’m a fuckin’ cripple!" I lost it, literally collapsed to the sidewalk, laughing so hard I was in actual pain.

27

It’s a tie.

  1. When we were about 8 and 12 years old (20 or so years ago), my younger brother Country Gent and I sat down to a fine repast consisting of homemade French onion soup. It was our mother’s first attempt at this particular dish, and I must say it was quite tasty. Then…

About an hour after dinner, Country and I began to feel odd, crampy rumblings in our bowels. There followed the most incredible bout of intestinal fireworks I’ve ever seen or heard tell of. For at least the next two hours, we fouled the house about every sixty seconds with the loudest, rankest (they were sour), longest, hottest farts imaginable. The best part was that you could tell they were caused by the soup, because you could smell the oniony goodness.

It got to the point that our mother made us go into another room. God knows what was happening to Mom and Dad, because they had to have been experiencing the same thing but they couldn’t let loose. Then came one of my all-time favorite memories: Country let loose with another couch-scorcher, but just when it seemed like it was going to trail off, it roared back at full volume, and he started laughing, and the fart began to rise and fall in pitch along with his convulsive laughter. FFFfffFFFFffffFFFFfffft. It lasted at least twenty seconds. I nearly soiled myself with glee.

Onion soup was never again served at the Gent house. In fact, all you have to say is “French Onion Soup” and the memories flood back…Good times…

  1. The year: 1984. The scene: High school, where pldennison and I are freshmen. I’d seen a pro ballplayer (does anyone remember Super Joe Charboneau of the Cleveland Indians?) talk about drinking beer through his nose, so naturally I figured out how to do it myself, using milk of course. I demonstrated my newly acquired talent to our lunch table. pldennison, duly inspired, decided to try his hand at it. He snorted up a big slug of chocolate milk, but before he could swallow it, he sneezed. It looked like an explosion at a brown paint factory. Chocolate milk and snot went everywhere, and I can still remember his face scrunched up and purple with laughter. (Phil, I know you’ll appreciate my sharing this with people you know. You can thank me later.)
28

Okay, two stories:

First one was when I was a Freshman in highschool. My best friend, Shane, was a senior. Since I was in High School, he decided to finally introduce me to this thing called a “bong”…

I’d smoked a little weed before, never been really high; this was the first night I went completely over the top. Something set me giggling early in the night, I don’t remember what, but I couldn’t stop. And my parents were in the house, in bed, so it was kind of important to keep quiet. I decided to go in the kitchen, get a glass of water, and try to get a grip. I’m standing at the sink, finally getting myself under control, and Shane comes in. He fills a glass with water, takes a big swig, turns to me, and gives me the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen…and the entire mouthful of water poured down the front of his shirt. Killed me, absolutely killed me. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think. They had to physically carry me out of the house and put me in the back of the van. We drove around town until dawn with me bursting into uncontrollable giggling fits every fifteen to twenty minutes.

Second time, again with Shane, again both baked to a crispy golden brown. (Ever since highschool, most of my memories about Shane start, “We were REALLY high…”) This one is kind of mean. We were waiting for our orders at a burrito stand. An old woman with a little rat-dog walks up, ties her dog to one of the flimsy rattan chairs in front of the place, and goes in to to order some food. The dog sees a french fry or something, goes to investigate, and pulls the chair over behind him. The noise startles him, and he starts running. But he’s still tied to the chair. So now he thinks the chair is chasing him, and sets off in a dead run across the parking lot. Shane and I, being quick thinking, civic-minded individuals, stare blankly after it.* Just then, the old woman comes out, looks around, and says in a quavery, central-casting-grandmother voice, “Where’s my dog?” And that was it for Shane and me. We were leaning on each other, trying as hard as we could not to laugh out loud, and really not doing a good job of it. We were getting nasty looks from everybody (like they had been busting their buns getting the dog back) and as soon as our food came up we had to sprint to the car so we could let it out. (The laughter, not the food. Although later, a similar run to the bathroom was needed to take care of that.)

*Luckily, there was this fourteen year old girl nearby who set out after it like she had been in starter blocks or something. Otherwise, that dog would still be running today.

29

My grandfather smoked for 77 years (I’m not kidding you. He started when he was 10 and when he died at 87 he was up to 3 packs a day). He was also a heavy, heavy drinker, gambler, and all around dirty old man (God I loved that man! :wink: ) For as long as I can remember 'Pa (that’s what we called him) always made this noise with his throat before & after he spoke. It was kind of like “Ahhhhh”. I can’t put the noise in writing, but it was something like when someone is very, very, very thirsty, then takes a long drink of cold water and says “Ahhhhhhh” only with a raspy, throaty sound. It is impossible to write the uniqueness of my grandpas voice.
Listening to him tell you about some of the insane shit he saw & did during his life was both fastenating and annoying at the same time, just because of the tone of his voice.
Anyway, during his funeral:( my brother was doing an absolute perfect impression of 'Pa talking. We were carrying his casket at the time, and he kept making these “ahhhh” sounds. Then, trying to be a ventriliquist he says, “Ahhhhhhhh, hey boys. Let me outa here and I’ll buy the booze. Ahhhhhhh”. I almost dropped the box I was laughing so hard. I all but threw my end of it into the Hearse and ran into the bathroom of the funeral home and laughed so hard my chest hurt. I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard. Rod did such a perfect impression of Pa it almost scares me. They had to wait for me to come out to drive to the cemetary I was laughing so much. My ribs honestly hurt for 4 days after that because I was laughing so hard.

30

It’s not really funny, but I never laughed harder. At college, my friend Betty was whining about her boyfriend and how she just wanted to erase him. I comment about how innocent-looking he is, all big blue eyes and smily blond, mustached and cheery. I suggest (God knows why) she put his picture on a keychain, just his happy face, with a big red circle around it, slashed through, you know. /.
We smiled. We giggled. We laughed. We guffawed. It wasn’t that funny. We got hysterical. We leaned against the Science Lab hallway walls and howled. It was stupid to laugh so hard. We sank to the floor and rolled on the tiles. We couldn’t stand. We tried to crawl to the doors so campus police wouldn’t get us. We couldn’t breathe. It hurt. We almost wet ourselves and realized we were inbetween Ladies rooms. I suggested we split up so we’d stop laughing. She crawled North and I crawled South, not daring to look at each other. I know I didn’t make it. I’m laughing now! And it wasn’t that funny and I truly hurt myself.

31

Some friends of mine, Beth, Stacy, and Kim, and I all meet for lunch on a regular basis at this sort of dumpy restaurant across the street from where we all work. The place is always packed around lunchtime because it has fast service and allows smoking, unlike most of the restaurants in the vicinity.

A little background information on Stacy: She’s a complete prude, hates sex, and is completely grossed out by the human body. We give her a lot of shit about it. It’s hilarious, and she doesn’t stay mad too long.

One day, we were at lunch, and I was telling them about a patient I had talked to on the phone who had a rectovaginal fistula, which is an opening in the wall separating the rectum and the vagina. I had asked the woman if she was having any symptoms, and she had said, “yes, my bowel movements are coming out of my vagina.” Anyway, we were all reflecting on what a horrifying experience that must be, when Beth says, “how would you even know they were coming out of your vagina?” We all looked at her absolutely shocked that she wouldn’t know, and Beth is insisting that she’d have no idea.

Anyway, we were arguing about it for a while, when Stacy announced that she had to get back to her office. As she was getting up, we continued arguing, and Stacy, standing in the middle of a packed restaurant, points at Beth and says, very, very loudly, “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand how you wouldn’t know if you had poop coming out of your AREA!”

A wave of shocked silence passed through the restaurant. Then, a few seconds later, Beth, Kim, and I were practically rolling on the floor.

32

This is a geeky story, but I’ll share it nonetheless. My friend Rob and I were watching Star Trek: First Contact on video at the time. There’s one part where the captain calls Worf a coward (and other things highly insulting to a klingon), then leaves. There’s Worf, standing quietly on the bridge, with the most angry face I’d ever seen on him. At this point, Rob turns to me and says in his best Worf impression, “I need to kill something. Ensign Crusher! Get over here!”. For some reason, we laughed so hard that by the time we regained our composure, we had to rewind the tape about twenty minutes (it of course kept running while we were laughing and ignoring the movie) to get back to where it was when we first cracked up.

33

Hmmm… Such a hard one to pick just one :slight_smile:

Lesse… Maybe the time (At a camp-out) when my friend was drinking a can of apple-juice concentrate (Because it tasted good), then started complaining that his stomach hurt. I asked him for the can, looked at it, and then told him to drink three cans of water and do 100 jumping jacks. He went off to do it, leaving me and the rest of the encampment chuckling. But the real laughter started when he came running back, grinning broadly. “Hey, that worked!!”

Hmm… Then there are various comic strips that are high contenders. A few strips from Sluggy Freelance or Calvin and Hobbes (My favorite would probably be the time Calvin did an impression of his dad infront of both parents, and his mom’s reaction :wink: ).

Or just about any time my friends all get together to roleplay. The one that seems the most popular with me and my friends is back when we were playing Shadowrun (Cyberpunk-style with magic, for those who don’t know). Despite being warned three times about it, one of the players slid down a ventilation shaft into a high-security area at high speed. Considering that he had been warned, and the high speed, he suddenly found his leg LOPPED OFF by a monofilimant razor-wire (Think like fishing line that will slice through just about anything). Not really funny there, but his reaction was. See, he’s the kind of player who ACTS OUT what his character does every now and then, and he, quite naturally, grabbed his leg… We all busted out laughing as I revealed to him that he was now missing all his fingers on that hand, as well, and we spent the next half-hour making jokes about it (Holding up his hand with his fingers back, giving people “the bird” with no fingers, and several comments where he’d grab and wield an unseen object and saying “Don’t make me beat you with my leg that no longer works!”). After we finally settled down, we got back to playing… And the description of a LMG-wielding Troll looking up a ventilation shaft to see why a dismembered leg and four didgits just hit him on the head was just too much for everyone, and we didn’t get any more playing done that night :slight_smile:

Or my brother, who’s character tried to do first aid on another, who had been cut lightly across the forehead… And broke his nose in the process. He’s no longer allowed to do first aid on anyone’s characters, with ANY of his characters, and the event lead to one of my friend’s popular sayings (Who, immediatly upon hearing that the character was rolling in pain and bleeding severely from the nose, yelled out “Tourniquet!!!”)

Okay, I guess most of them were had-to-be-there types, but they were good at the time :slight_smile:

34

You’re kidding me. You too? That has to be the funniest strip Bill Watterson ever created. I die every time I read it. :smiley:

I know I’ve laughed hard several times in my life, to the point where I can’t breath and I’m not even making any kind of sound. Unfortunately, I can’t remember many of them. :frowning: One time, I think, was watching Jeff Dunham, the ventriloquist with Peanut, Walter the grumpy old man, and Jose, the jalapeno on a steeck. :smiley: I just died laughing at his act.

35

The whole of the film “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. It fufils every desire for toilet humour and insanity I have,
[Crap french accent]
“Ah fahrt in your genherahl direchtion”
[/Crap french accent]

Either that or the scene in Frasier where Niles ahs to kill eels in a fish tank. How does he do that he asks, through a toaster in after them Fasier retorts. Frasier leaves the kitchen to rejoin the diners and just for a second the lights dim. I don’t know why but this was the funniest thing ever at the time. I had a mouth full of food and couldn’t even laugh out loud for at least 5 minutes.

36

If he could throw a toaster in it would be funnier.

37

Hehe… Yup, they’re all good, but if I had to pick just one, it’d probably be that one. I like C&H especially because it reminds me of myself a little :slight_smile: Okay, not -quite- as odd as Calvin, but it’s the whole spirit of it all… :slight_smile:

38

Again, in nursing school during a clinical rotation, one of the nursing students’ jobs was to distribute the meal trays. Tracey set her patient’s lab report on the patient’s tray (the patient’s name was Griego), picked up the tray to take it to the room, and then determined that she couldn’t let go of the heavy tray with one hand to take the lab report off of the tray.

She said, “Katherine, could you get that Griego thing off the tray for me?”

Katherine gave her a strange look, as if wondering if Tracey was losing her mind, then shrugged and said, “Well, okay.” Then, with index finger and thumb, she delicately picked up the limp piece of lettuce that was under the applesauce on the patient’s tray. She held the applesauce-coated lettuce leaf aloft, not knowing what to do with it.

Meanwhile, Tracey was watching this with a look of mild disgust. Finally she asked, very seriously, “Katherine, what the hell are you doing?”

She replied impatiently, “Well, you told me to take that green, ugly thing off of there!”

Fortunately, Tracey was able to set the tray down safely before we both fell on the floor, laughing. It took Katherine a while to understand what was so funny.

39

One of the very first jobs I had was as a “junior” audio engineer at a local commercial recording studio. Staffing problems at that time dictated that low-totem-pole female employees took turns filling in from time to time as front-desk receptionist.

This place did a lot of high-end business, so you can imagine the kind of ego-stuffed dudes and dudettes we had passing through there.

One day, while I was on the front desk, a big-time, rather impatient client had finished his session and wanted to leave.

He came up to me and snarled, “Hey, you. Call me a cab.”

I looked up, blinked, and said respectfully, “Okay, sir. You’re a cab.” Then I burst out laughing and God help me, I could not stop.

I was fired the next week, but it was worth it. I still crack up every time I think of it. Oh yeah. :smiley:

40

Thank you City Gent!! I literally spent 10 minutes with my head down on the computer desk laughing until tears came out my eyes at your Onion Soup story! It has been a rotten week, and I REALLY needed a good laugh. Having trouble posting this, as I am still laughing at the story!! Thanks again for sharing!!