My friend’s birthday party. A lot of heavy drinking. My friend’s apartment is on the side of a major highway.
One of the male guests stands up and announces that for fifty dollars, he’ll run naked down the highway. It’s about one in the morning in early December,in Illinois so you can imagine the temperature.
Every wallet in the party opens and within about two minutes he has fifty dollars. He then says “For seventy five dollars you can pick out what I wear.” He has that within 30 seconds.
He ran naked,except for a girls winter hat (with a big pompom on top) and neon pink socks. We videotaped the whole thing.
The part that killed me though is when he started high stepping like Walter Payton used to. I almost peed my pants.
Second story…
My family is driving up through Wisconsin for the big family vacation. It waqs the summer of my sister’s wedding so her inlaws came with us.
We stop at a roadside area for a pee/smoke break. I’m riding with my sisters soon to be parents in law and their daughter Kathy. Me,Kathy and my aunt all go into the bathroom. There are only three stalls so it’s me and Kathy with my aunt in the middle stall.
I’m peeing and I hear this godawful rumbling intestinal noise. Like the fecal equivalent of a train. Followed by even more horrible noises,IYKWIM.
I’m hoping that it’s not Kathy because I don’t want to have to sit by her in the car if she’s that sick but all of a sudden I hear my aunt’s voice say…
“Oh my!”
Like it was a surprise. That she didn’t feel it coming.
Me and Kathy RAN out of that bathroom and dove into the car and laughed until our faces/stomachs hurt. Once we has calmed down,we told my sister and started laughing all over again when she started laughing.
Fourteen years later,I’ll be talking to Kathy on the phone and she’ll say “Oh my!” and we’ll go into hysterics all over again.
I don’t remember the hardest I ever laughed, but this one had me going for about five minutes solid. Hurt to walk, stand up, everything.
Academic team practice, first one of the 2000 school year. Like September or late August. The beginning of the tossup: “The first one was made at MIT and had 100 parts”. the guy next to me is a dobule CS-math major and immediately buzzes in by slapping his hand on the table and says in a manner that suggests he has The Answer, “the computer”. You wanted to add a “duh” to it, but he didn’t.
For some reason, this cracked up half the room for a few minutes. The moderator of the round and I were laughing out asses off. We finished the question (which I got right) and then started laughing all over again. I guess you had to be there.
We now have a running joke about why this guy is failing CS: his computer only has a hundred parts.
That would be the night I did 18 gravity bong hits. I lay on the floor laughing uncontrollably for about three hours. Everytime I’d wind down, someone would just say something, It didn’t even have to be funny, and I’d start laughing again.
A class I had a couple weeks ago: I’m sitting with my friends Tyler and Kalan, and like always we are making jokes about the general stupidity of the class. All the sudden Tyler looks at me with this absolutely paranoid look on his face. His eyes are darting all over the room and he whispers “I see dumb people. They’re *everywhere[/]…” Just the complete seriousness in his voice made me and Kalan burst out laughing so hard…then the teacher goes “Is there a problem back there?” and Tyler just goes “No Ma’am, nothing at all” while me and Kalan are still convulsing. We had our heads on desks for at least 20 minutes afterwards.
I became a master at lighting farts. One time in high school, I had such a bout of flatulence, that I set up a video camera and taped myself lighting about 8-10 farts. The last time I lit one was my freshman year of college, about 4 and a half years ago. Hehe…
As for the time I laughed the hardest? I and two of my best friends in high school, Mike and Jeremy, were driving to Cleveland (I lived in Canton, OH…about an hour away). We went without permission, so it was slightly rebellious (we were 16). Anyway, Mike had a surgical rubber glove for some reason, and blew it up to make a balloon type thing. But then, without telling us, he pulled the ENTIRE GLOVE over his head! He had it all the way down to his chin, and his nose was smashed up agains his face, with the fingers of the glove were jutting out of his head. He then blew into the glove with his covered mouth and nose and inflated the fingers on his head! He looked so funny, I almost wet myself, and Jeremy nearly drove off the road he was laughing so hard. Damn that was funny.
This is a more “you had to be there” type of thing. Just remember that it’s so much harder to stop laughing when you’re not in a place you’re supposed to laugh.
My sister and I were with our family during the Christmas Eve service at our church. Up to that point, the Advent candles had always been lit with a long wick on a brass rod (I have no idea what they’re called). Anyway, this year, they decided to light the candles with one of those electric matches (the kind you start your grill and gas fireplace with.) So, I turned to my sister and said in my best surfer voice. “Whoa. Electric Christmas!” She nearly lost it, and we spent the next five minutes trying not to burst out laughing in the middle of the service; my parents were yelling at us to stop. We ended up laughing and CRYING because we couldn’t keep it in…all the way through ‘Little Town of Bethlehem.’ It wouldn’t have been bad if we were 8 and 4, but I was 19, and she 23.
Ahhh, nothing better than uncontrollable laughter! I have a few that I can remember that rank up there at or near the top in my life.
First is a story a friend told a group of us and we just lost it picturing what he said happened. Apparently this guy’s father was at a conference with work, and in between meetings there was a mad rush to use the restroom. So the father goes to the wall of urinals, all of them in use save for one on the end. He walks up, unzips and starts to piss, looking down into the urinal to see a huge black spider. Without thinking about what’s going on, he LOUDLY exclaimed “whoa, would you look at the SIZE of that sucker!”
Next is something I witnessed about five years ago. I was with a group of people at a little park complete with slides, swingsets, and one of those mini Merry-Go-Rounds – you know, where people sit in the middle and someone has to grab a bar and spin them around? One girl gets on and asks to be spun, so me and another guy comply. We keep going faster and faster, til she’s laughing and begging us to slow down. No chance. More begging: “Please, please stop! I’m gonna pee!” LOL … yeah, right! Faster, faster, faster! Then the words I thought I’d never hear: “I’m peeeeeeeeing!!!” I immediately jump away and see this curl of pee escaping from the merry-go-round, a centrifugal whip of urine that splashes my partner in crime who didn’t move fast enough. I’m laughing right now just remembering her plaintive wail of warning.
The last time I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe was a few months ago. Me and a friend were visiting a couple in Nashville (both long-time friends of ours who got married three years ago) at the same time the woman’s sister was visiting them. A very attractive woman. Me and my friend were doing some low-level flirting – keeping it humorous and light-hearted with jokes about taking her back to our hotel with us. Our host jokingly commented that if anything really DID happen, he and his wife didn’t want to hear about it.
That launched us into a convuluted explanation that now she HAD to go back to our hotel with us, as her sister and bro-in-law were trying to control her and tell her what to do, and she COULDN’T let them get away with that! That to get back at them for trying to be controlling she must sleep with us. That revenge must be hers against her brother-in-law. She laughed and agreed that while it might be good revenge, sadly she didn’t feel enough anger towards the BIL to need revenge. Whereupon he looked at me, said “Don’t say I never did anything for you” then looked straight at her and commented deadpan, “Beth, you’re a f’in whore. There, NOW you need revenge!” We all lost it – including Beth, after her jaw got picked up off the table.
Dina, Yvonne, and I were at Bootleggers one fine night. After the bar closed, about 3 AM, we were walking to the car, which was parked in a parking garage. On the way, Dina and I decided we had to pee. So, we peed on the sidewalk down one of those grates. Yvonne said that was so disgusting and didn’t go.
After we were done, we continued our walk to the car and we were talking about something funny. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but we were laughing pretty hard. All of a sudden, Yvonne crouches down from laughing so hard and pees her pants! It formed a puddle on the garage floor and Dina and I absolutly lost it. So, it’s too gross to pee down a grate, but it’s ok to pee in your pants??
Just yesterday I was hanging out with a friend and his pet cocatoo (a big white parrot-type bird with an orange crown), this bird loves people and doesn’t get enough time out of his cage so there was about 20 minutes of Serious Bird Massage - basically preening. The bird decided it was time to end the massage and wandered over to an empty chair, made himself comfortable and fluffed up.
In a moment of either Confirmed Psychic Ability or just Excellent Observation on my part, I uttered the word “plorp” at the exact same moment the bird let loose with an enormous green&white rectal squirt.
At that moment it was by far the funniest thing that had ever happened, but after about ten minutes of uncontrolled laughter my friend and I both decided there was no way we could do the moment justice through explanation. However, we agreed that “plorp” is by far the best word to use in such a situation.
In my freshman year of college, me and 3 friends went out for dinner. Two of the guys order drinks (mai tais), and the rest of us don’t. Turns out it was happy hour at the place so the guys each got two drinks. Neither one of them wanted two, so they handed their spare to me and the other guy, who’s nick name was “Clockwork” (as in Clockwork Smurf, because he always did things on a set time table). We’re enjoying our drinks and food, when we noticed that Clockwork (who was as flaming a geek-boy as there ever was) had finished his drink already. One of us (probably me), said, “Damn, Clockwork! You turbo-sucked that thing down!” To which he just grinned, and we figured this was probably only the first time he’d ever gotten drunk.
Fast forward a couple weeks later. The same group of us are out to eat a Burger King. Clockwork wanders off while we’re waiting in line to talk to a couple of guys from our dorm who’ve already gotten their food and are sitting down. Suddenly, I hear one of them laughing hysterically, I look back, and he and the other guy are having convulsive laughter attacks, totally unable to remain upright in their seats. I go back to find out what’s so funny. Neither of them can tell me, and Clockwork’s just standing there looking stunned. I ask him, and he says (wait for it, you’re gonna love it), “I dunno. I just told them to ask you guys about my turbo-sucking.” Yeah, I hit the floor.
When I was 14, I hung out with this girl who had a brother two years younger; they had the usual squabbles that happen with that configuration.
This was in 1984, before CD players, and she had this cheap-ass turntable. She also had a guinea pig, and she’d recently reconfigured her room so that the cage was right next to one of the speakers.
For whatever reason, she decided to turn the volume all the way up to 10. REO Speedwagon or something comes scratching and popping out of this discount-store POS…her brother comes charging into the room…there is a tussle near the animal cage…the record arm scrapes off the turntable…
The next thing I clearly remember is lying flat on my back, howling with laughter, while from the next room I hear: “GUINEA PIGS DON’T HAVE EARS! AND THEY DON’T DIE FROM LOUD NOISES ANYWAY SO STOP YOUR FAKE-ASS CRYING!”
When the smoke cleared, I was informed that Brother had been trying to turn the music off, or at least down, so the guinea pig wouldn’t die from percussion, and he was not crying but whimpering because Friend had pinched his arm hard. And the record was scratched.
FTR, the Calvin and Hobbes that made me laugh harder than any other was the one where Calvin says, “So could I Mom?..Please?..PLLLEEEEEZZZE?” In the third panel, his eyes become grotesquely huge and display animation sparkles. Says Hobbes, “I still don’t think giving her “Bambi eyes” is going to get you a flamethrower”.
As a teen who had just gotten his driver’s license, my Dad let me drive the family Chevy Nova to and from school in addition to picking him and Mopm up from work. This was a little 6 cylinder and all my friends were driving Malibus, GTO’s and the like, so a friend told me he would soup it up for me, and he did: Glass packs, chrome dual tailpipes, moonies and of course the back end raised like a dragster.
Remember this was just a little 66 Chevy Nova, okay?
So I went to pick up my father from work one afternoon, and as he came out of the plant,saw the car and heard it rumbling, he said, “What’n the hell is this motherfuckin’ shit?!”, in a deadpan voice that only my father could master.
My friends with me thought it was the funniest thing they had ever heard, and despite the situation, so did I, even though he made me put the whole damn thing back like it was.
My dad and I shared many a laugh about this episode before he passed away.
I don’t remember my hardest laugh (might have been Blue Man Group) but this was definately the longest laugh:
I was on a road trip to south carolina with some friends, we were in a cabin and had been drinking a little (not much, really). But enough for me to fall off a couch onto the floor. This made me laugh. Now here’s where it gets weird. I found it very funny that I was laughing at myself. So I laughed at myself laughing. I found it very funny that I was laughing at myself laughing. So I laughed at that. Then I realized I was in a recursive loop and laughed at that. This went on for nearly an hour.
My friends never knew what hit me until later…
And by far the best Calvin and Hobbes:
Calvin tells his mother he’s saving all his snot for people who need mucous transplants.
His mom is shocked and tells him people don’t need that donated.
One frame of silence… *
“I have a jar for you to wash.”
Careful analysis of this strip has led me to believe that this frame of silence is what makes it so funny.
Oh so very many stories. The first that come to mind:
I gave my boyfriend, Peter, a monogrammed pocket watch for the anniversary of our first date. We started talking about the monogram, and he remarked, “You should have had it engraved to say, ‘It’s Peter Time’.” I envisioned the watch cover with “It’s Peter Time” engraved in a circle around the edge, and lost it. We’re in Gibson’s, a semi-fancy restaurant, and I’m laughing so hard I’m gasping and snorting. Every time I thought about it or caught a glimpse of the watch, I started laughing again. Took me about an hour to calm down.
My little sister, who was about 16 at the time, was always pestering me to play board or card games with her. You know - “Come onnnn, come on, just Scrabble. Gin rummy. Casino? Come onnnn, just one game.” Finally I shouted, “NO! Leave me alone, you turd!” and she looked at me plaintively, and wailed, “GAAAAAAAMMMMMMME!” It was so pitiful, especially coming from a 16 year old, that I collapsed laughing.
Gaming is always a great place to realise you are laughing too hard to think.
I’m in awe about this one, so I have to share it. There are four of us playing. Nikki (my best friend), Justin (her bf and one of my old firneds) Dave (Nikki’s father, our families are quite close) and me.
I’m playing sort of a mindless, sterotypical Southern belle (if they were elves.) Dave is playing a nature oriented cleric. Justin is playing a gruff, scarred, ugly fighter. Nikki is playing another elf.
We find a place to set camp, and the elves and the cleric insist it has to have trees. Justin mutters, in charactor, about stupid tree huggers. I’m DMing at this point (we trade off) so I ask people what they are doing. Dave has his cleric prune rose bushes by the stream and brings one back for every member of the party.
Nikki says “Well I know whose tree I’m hugging tonight!”
Justin and I scrape our chins off the table as Nikki and her dad chortle and give high fives. Nikki’s mom threatens to ground the both of them. Then Justin and I start laughing crazily.
I was at a japanese music performance. A man came on to play the shakuhachi (I think). It’s a 20" long woodwind with a haunting, breathy sound, and the audience fell silent as he put the instrument to his lips and began to play. When I closed my eyes, I could almost see the wind and misty mountain gorges. However, when I opened my eyes, it looked as if the performer had no bones in his neck at all. It looked like he had stuck his head on the shakuhachi and was using it as a handle to flop his head vigoroursly back and forth. I was trying not to laugh, and doing okay, until my wife leaned over and said “Muppet head on a stick.”
I got a few nasty looks from the folks around me for my barely suppressed giggling. Oh well.
Another time my wife and I were playing a “Bedroom Adventure”. Basically it’s a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-Book designed for two, and this one had a piratical theme. Of course, these games are silly, and the whole point is to revel in the cheesiness of it all. But this one was just too much. It was written like a bad romance novel, so bad that the author was using words she didn’t even know, like saying the cook could make potable meals. Meals suitable for drinking? And every time she mentioned the main pirate’s “manly thews” I lost it. I ended up curled on the floor, in pain from laughing so hard, completely unable to breathe. It took hours to get around to consumating the game we were giggling so hard.
Having myself had several incidents over the years involving French onion soup (no, I’m not going to post them), it is my ever so humble opinion that this so-called “food” should be classed as a biological weapon and controlled by an international treaty.
