When I was still living at home with the parental units, my mother, sister and I would play board games at night. One time we got bored and started goofing around. My sister began to complain that her favorite denim skirt was getting to small for her. I told her that she must be getting fat because the skirt looked big enough to me. At the time, I was bigger than my sister, so my sister said if it was so big, why couldn’t I wear it? It was a dare and I took it.
I started to put the thing on. I got it all the way up to my posterior when it got stuck. It wouldn’t go up and I had crammed it on so good that it wouldn’t go down either. To make things more difficult, I had put the darn thing on standing in a corner behind the door which was closed.
I couldn’t get it off, and I couldn’t walk because it was around my thighs. After struggling with it for a few minutes,(my mom and sister were already laughing at this point)I fell over into the corner. Barely able to stand, leaning into the corner, I started laughing as well. I couldn’t move, and neither one of them could because they were laughing so hard. Then it happened, I peed myself right there. I did finally get the skirt off and got to the bathroom, but it was too late.
Now when ever my sister or I complain we’re gaining weight, my mother asks if we want to try on the skirt. It still kills all three of us.
Okay, well, this wasn’t the hardest I’ve ever laughed, maybe, but it was definitely the most embarrassing fit of laughter I’ve ever had.
Setting: dollar movie theater that, on weekends, was the hangout for every high school and college student in the land. At the time, I was a college student, so we had to save our pennies, and all the movies we saw were in that theater. In any case, this theater had a number of problems with, oh, I dunno, drugs, gangs, usual societal ills, such that there were always cops there on weekend nights.
So, the Loved One (LO) and I were seeing Mission Impossible, the first one. The audience was made up of the usual boneheads encountered in places like this, including the woman behind us who had the cheery trick of repeating random bits of dialogue in this really puzzled voice: “Mole?” “Four?” This made LO and I a bit giggly, but nothing too bad.
And the plot of Mission Impossible, with all its cheesy errors (entering a search for ‘job’ and not getting any hits?), was also making us a bit giggly.
But what contributed the most to my downfall was the audience member three seats away from us. He had some sort of severe sinus problem, apparently - anyway, every two minutes, like clockwork, this resounding
snork!
would come from him. I can’t describe the sound any better than that.
In another movie, this might’ve pissed me off, but frankly, after ten or so snorks! I was just deeply amused, and LO and I sort of set up a positive-feedback giggling cycle, made worse by the need for silence. The real problem, though, came during the lengthy silent chunk of the movie, where Tom Cruise is dangling over a computer doing sleight-of-hand with the it’s-a-cd-no-it’s-a-floppy thing. The movie has virtually no sound during this section, which meant that Mr. Snorky was very audible. Very audible. And so were my giggles, which I had to struggle to repress. Finally, good ol’ Cruise slips or something, and there’s a sort of quiet gasp on the soundtrack, and Mr. Snorky chimes in with an especially loud:
SNORK!
I lost it. I fled up the aisle, shrieking with laughter, all the other patrons (so LO told me later) watching me with surprise. Outside the theater, I collapsed in the corridor and laughed, the kind of laughter where you can’t speak or think or even breathe, which naturally attracted the attention of first an employee, then the manager, then finally one of the cops in the lobby. By the time I could finally calm down enough to talk, I was surrounded by this circle of people, including a cop who was clearly trying to think what statute he could arrest a publicly hysterical person under.
And trying to explain it…oh, god. I’d get as far as “The movie…this guy…snork!” and I’d be off again. Frankly, I’m lucky I didn’t finish up the night being tested for drugs in some precinct house.
A few years back about 5 of us guys went swimming at an old abondoned strip pit. Crystal clear water, snakes, and mosquito larva. ummmm. But most importantly there were 5 to 25 feet cliffs to dive off of. Fun place to hang out, but you never know what will happen or who will be there.
We show up, and you have to park your car and walk about 1/4 mile up a path to the cliffes where everyone congregates. There’s cars parked there so we know there’s some action on the cliffs. We get to the spot and there is about the roughest looking crew you could imagine. All decked out with their cut-off jeans for swimming trunks, and thier homemade tatoos flaring. Bucsh Lite flowing. They were pretty cool though, but real high strung. We smoked some bud with them and swam without getting in their way. Anyway, an hour passes or so, and we’ve had our fun. We proceed down the path to our car. I hop in the back and realize that as I left all my belongings out under my towel, I hadn’t picked my wallet up! I was ready to head back up there, when my friend chimes in that he knew, for a fact, those guys stole it. He was positive. He said it all fits, they were around my clothes, and acting sorta weird, he claims. So I’m mad, my friends are all amped. What to do? Take on the dirt rock crew? Confront them and demand it back and take a beating? Nope! The same friend the witnessed this go down, starts encouraging us (me) to go fuck up there cars. After he tried to convinve me for a while all of the sudden my other friend hops out of the front with a now produced knife, runs up to not one of their cars but both and slashes about 2 tires on each!! Pop- wishhhhhhhhhh, pop -whissssshhhhhhh A bit harsh? Maybe, but they stole my wallet!!
We were all amped up, driving the hell out of there and guess what? My friend who did all the talking, reaches behind him and produces my wallet!! He lied! Look who payed for it. Those guys we judged all along.
it was and still is funny to me though. We laughed for ages over that. He was paid back later though… but that’s another story.
Thats horrible, man. Do you know how much tires cost? They were nice to you, even shared their dope, and what do they get? The cost of a new set of tires, for absolutely NO reason that they can ever figure out. Boy, sure was funny, huh?
–Tim
I can honestly say I felt bad the way it happened. I won’t kid you about that. I do accept some of the responsibility. But 1. One guy lied and set the whole thing up, 98% of the blame lays on him. And 2. I didn’t slash their tires.
It was unfortunate, but all I can do is laugh about it now. I wasn’t going to get all serious and try to find them to pay for their tires. It’s a tough call. . . I apologize.
Dunno what impresses me more, your logic or your empathy. “Tough call”? To whom are you “apologizing”?
For me, a tie:
- The first time I heard Michael Palin say “Biggus Dickus” in Life Of Brian;
- When I was about 12, I woke up very early on a Sunday morning (a rare occurrence). My dad was already up making coffee. He did not know I was awake and sitting in the living room reading the paper. Apparently he dropped the container of wet coffee grounds on the floor, cuz after the thud of mud hitting the floor he let loose with a thunderous “Shit!” Now, my dad had uttered a few dammits along the way, but this was the first real swear word I’d heard him use. I wish I had more memories like that.
Oops, I came back and realized I double posted. Sorry.
[bangs keyboard against head]
Ok, I got a few here…
When I was about 14 I used to tease my little brother something rotten. One time he had made himself a boil-in-the-bag curry & rice and came to sit down in the front room to eat it.
I was lying sprawled across the sofa watching TV. As he sat down, he carefully adjusted his tray and re-postitioned his knife/fork/plate and glass of milk. This set me off giggling he was only 11 and looked like he was at a sweeping for mines, so solemn and purposeful were his movements.
So I started nudging his “fork hand” with my foot every time he tried to take a mouthful. Needless to say he got more and more upset. Eventually he stormed off and stomped up the stairs to his room, taking his dinner with him.
As he got to the top of the stairs there was this loud crash followed by this little whimper. I raced to have a look.
When I got near the top of the stairs I could see these two feet with ridiculous tiger foot slippers pointing toes down at right angles to the stairs. Climbing another couple of steps revealed my baby brother lying across the stairs, arms spread out in front of him, dive posture, tray inches from his fingers and curry everywhere… each step had a little “snowdrift” of rice and korma, and my poor brother sobbing quietly with milk dripping out of his eyebrows.
I nearly fell down the stairs laughing, and couldn’t speak to him for days without reliving the sceen!
More recently I went for a pub crawl with a few friends, where we all got ridiculously drunk. One friend, Mandy, was/is a bit of a “Fluffy Goth” - you know white face, black makeup, funny coloured hair extentions, and or course, the Spice-Girl boots with 6" thick soles.
We were walking home singing bawdy songs after closing time, when Mandy decided she wanted to bounce of the hedge (Hedge surfing)… two Boings later… Whaaaaaaa! We all turned round and colapsed with hysterics at these two boots and nothing else poking out from the middle of the hedge.
The other thing that springs to mind, is when a friend and I went to see her sisters new house, and -again- drinking heavily, we decided to do a “Purity Test”
(For those of you that dont know, do a search on your ISP)
We took turns reading the questions, I was reading the first million or so.
The question “Have you ever masturbated with a vegetable?” came up, and was denigned by all, the following question “Have you ever eaten it afterwards?” Got horrified looks from the two sisters as they screamed together “Euuuu - Never!!! Thats disgusting!!!..” then stoped dead and both turned to look at me.
I was busy trying not to fall off the balcony!!
Rebecca and Nichaan made me promise never to reveal their names if I ever retold the story.
Funny, I think most of my storys revolve around alcohol and falling over! Ah Well…
Ok, I got a few here…
When I was about 14 I used to tease my little brother something rotten. One time he had made himself a boil-in-the-bag curry & rice and came to sit down in the front room to eat it.
I was lying sprawled across the sofa watching TV. As he sat down, he carefully adjusted his tray and re-postitioned his knife/fork/plate and glass of milk. This set me off giggling he was only 11 and looked like he was at a sweeping for mines, so solemn and purposeful were his movements.
So I started nudging his “fork hand” with my foot every time he tried to take a mouthful. Needless to say he got more and more upset. Eventually he stormed off and stomped up the stairs to his room, taking his dinner with him.
As he got to the top of the stairs there was this loud crash followed by this little whimper. I raced to have a look.
When I got near the top of the stairs I could see these two feet with ridiculous tiger foot slippers pointing toes down at right angles to the stairs. Climbing another couple of steps revealed my baby brother lying across the stairs, arms spread out in front of him, dive posture, tray inches from his fingers and curry everywhere… each step had a little “snowdrift” of rice and korma, and my poor brother sobbing quietly with milk dripping out of his eyebrows.
I nearly fell down the stairs laughing, and couldn’t speak to him for days without reliving the experience!
Hands down, has to be the hearing aid scene in one of the episodes of Faulty Towers. My face hurt afterwards, my ribs hurt, couldn’t breathe, tears running down my face, that sort of thing.
This thread is cracking me up.
AmericanWarMachine - - I don’t care what anyone says…that is an awesome story! Very reminiscent of the dipshit adventures of me and my buddies. Very funny.
I don’t think I ever laughed as hard as at the final scene of Life of Brian, in which the folks on the crosses sing a chorus of “Always look on the Bright Side of Life.”
Cracks me up just writing about it now. 
I also had a painful Fawlty Towers laughing fit, but it was the “Gourmet Night” episode. I was in the hospital after having my appendix out, and at the scene where Manuel gets his foot stuck in the duck; Sybil: “It’s been trodden on.” The pain was unbearable but I couldn’t stop laughing; I didn’t watch any comedy for the rest of my stay.
Also a cursing father incident. My father never cursed when we were growing up. Raised his voice occasionally, but hardly even a dammit. But we kids learned all the correct curses in school. So when I was about 10, I was helping him with some home repair, and he couldn’t find a tool. “Ahh, birdshit, where’s my drill?” I absolutely lost it. I wanted to ask “where the hell did you learn to curse?” but I couldn’t breathe. He got pissed and said something like, “Just go do whatever you want if you aren’t going to help.”
One other incident I remember was at my last job, during one of our weekly server crashes, with everyone just sitting around because they couldn’t do anything. I was behind enough already in work, and in a crappier mood than usual. Then someone brought over badday.mpg. I had never seen it before, and in those cicumstances, I just lost it. Crying my eyes out, rolling on the floor. I watch it now, and just a chuckle. But at the right time, it was perfect.
Watching “Jack Frost” on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Best episode ever. I laughed through the whole thing.
Another you-had-to-be-there moment:
When I was in college, I lived in the dorm that had formerly been a hotel. As such, the rooms had the bathrooms inclusive, instead of communal ones in the hall. I was hanging out with some people in one of the larger rooms, and the door to the bathroom was closed tight. This led us to believe that someone was in there, so no one tried to go in. Finally, one guy got up and reached for the doorknob. Someone else said, “Someone’s in there.” The first guy said, very sarcastically, “Oh look at the person run” and flung the door open to reveal an empty room.
To this day, I can’t think of that without busting a gut. It was just the way he said it…
When I was in grade 6, my friend Louis and I stayed in at recess to play one of the “creative” games. It was something about hiding colored pegs behind a screen and letting your opponent try to guess what configuration you had. It took us about 20 minutes to set up, with all the sidetrackings and giggling and ragging each other. Finally, we faced each other across the board, trying valiantly to be serious.
“I just have one question,” Louis stated, stifling his mirth.
“Yeah?” said I, wheezing a bit.
“How do we play this game?”
Dear Louis, I miss you every day.
As far as TV/movies, “The Germans” episode of Fawlty Towers knocks me sideways, not so much the second half, but the fire drill. If you look up “clusterfuck” in the dictionary…
Sir Launcelot charging Swamp Castle makes me scream. Why the hell does he slash at one of the wall sconces, facryinoutloud?
The last time I watched Holy Grail, I almost got apoplexy trying to keep silent during the Black Knight sequence. I hate it when people drown out the funny parts with their guffawing, so I was trying not to, but again, I was wheezing and turning purple.
Reading this thread 'Wiping – sit or stand? ’
Oh, and reading the “Halvsie” thread!
Both of these are MST3K related, oddly enough.
First, my dad, my brother and I were watching “Cave Dwellers.” I was maybe fourteen, so this was a while ago, and we were greatly enjoying the utter cheesiness of this movie. However, the scene where Ator shows up on a HANG GLIDER just killed us. For the first and only time in my life, I was on the floor, practically turning blue because I was laughing so hard. My dad was laughing almost as hard and got an asthma attack; he had to go out to his car in the middle of this to get his inhalers. (He thought this was funny too, so I’m not just laughing at his expense. Really. I couldn’t breathe either at the time!) I don’t remember what my brother was doing, but I know he was there. Lord, that was funny. That movie is one of my favorites just for that time watching it.
But even better – this spring, I take my brother out to buy him his seventeenth birthday present from me. I then found out that the Dreamcast game that he wanted cost twice as much as he had thought and due to financial reasons I hade to say, “Pick something else!”
We ended up with a tape of The Creeping Terror. I highly recommend it. Hilariously bad. One of the major oddities about this piece of cinematic drek is that about 3/4 of the movie is narrated. Badly narrated. Several hours later, I am downstairs with Mom and my brother is upstairs on his computer. He reports to us that he has found a website which explains why this movie was narrated.
Apparently their sound equipment FELL IN A LAKE and was ruined!
My mother and I fell over laughing for a solid twenty minutes, the kind of laughter where you want to stop but don’t dare look at the other person because they’ll just set you off again. For the rest of the evening, every once in a while, one of us would start laughing again and set the other one off. It was so APPROPRIATE for an MST movie…
Also, a few minutes ago the “El Paso Gas” got me good. 
Probably the two hardest times I ever laughed were in the same class in my high school.
I was sitting there talking with a friend (who of course i had a huge crush on at the time) about random stuff when the name of the tallest woman in the world came up. I forget her name right now but she lives here in Indiana, South Bend i believe. And by god she is the ugliest woman i have ever seen. So i say to my friend “you know she is really really ugly. She kind of looks like she got hit by a train.” And at that exact moment we both just busted out uncontrolably laughing. The teacher sent us out of the room to help. It was so funny. . .
The next time was a few days later when the teacher setup this stupid game where we all divided into teams. Each team had to go around station to station and talk write down why the working conditions at that place were bad. We were studying the American Revolution and such. Well we got to the women in Factory conditions stage. And the number one reason that conditions were bad was that women would get their hair caught in the machines. So I, being the jackass that i am, turned to my friend and moved my head as if i had my hair caught in a machine and said to her “quick get the scissors before my head gets pulled in.” That was it, anyone watching us just died laughing. The whole class eventually was rolling on the floor. It was great. To this day whenever i see that girl we look at eachother and say “how is your hair and have you been watching for trains?”