The history of life on Earth

This is an AP Biology assignment I had, I thought I’d post it for everyone. It might be good for a few laughs.

4.5 bya - Solar system forms from interstellar junk and discarded spaghetti from giant spaghetti-based life-forms.
4.4 bya - Earth forms. A crunchy iron core covered in silica, magnesium, and aluminum make a delectable crust with an overall consistency not unlike a bonbon.
4.05 bya - Rocks establish themselves as rulers of the planet. They still hold this position today, but are currently contested by paper and scissors.
3.85 bya - Earliest evidence of life is dated to this period, showing us that even giant space rocks will spoil if you leave them out long enough.
3.7 bya - Photosynthesizing bacteria appear, giving off poisonous oxygen and screwing things up for everybody else. I hate bacteria!
2.7 bya - Eukaryotes develop, making bacteria jealous by flashing around their fancy membrane-bound organelles. This leads the way for dinosaurs, which are awesome.
1.2 bya - Algae first appear. I’m still not sure why green sludge is so exciting, but PBS is usually on the ball with these things.
600 mya - Ozone layer forms. Later, humans will decide this is a bad idea and try to wipe it out with CFCs.
543 mya - Cambrian Explosion. Extremely strange life forms appear such as S. inexpectans, C. spinoza, Hallucigenia and M. Jackson. Arthropods and shelled animals follow.
520 mya - Cambrian extinction. Many reef-builders and shallow water organisms go extinct. Scientists blame sea level change and oxygen depletion. I blame Richard Simmons.
480 mya - Fishes and land plants develop. Scientific debate still rages over whether the two competed for resources.
375 mya - Land vertebrates develop, amphibians are closest modern relatives. Interestingly, Tom DeLay was initially classified as an amphibian due to the presence of slime glands.
350 mya - Reptiles develop, but there are no dinosaurs yet, so it’s not really all that exciting.
300 mya - Conifers evolve. This is cool because conifer is fun to say. Go ahead. Try it. You know you want to.
220 mya - Mammals and Dinosaurs emerge. Although mammalian development is probably more important, dinosaurs are infinitely cooler.
150 mya - Birds develop, putting feathers originally used for insulation towards aviation. This ingenuity inspired Francis Scott Key to pen the classic Australian drinking song, “American Pie.”
65 mya - Cretaceous Extinction. Dinosaurs die off, making life on Earth a whole lot lamer.
60 mya - Primates develop. Giant lemurs try and fail to fill the niche left by dinosaurs. They’re just too cute.
57 mya - Rodents evolve and found the legendary city of Atlantis. Their early discovery and use of nuclear power is demonstrative of how far they’re willing to go to eat our garbage.
25 mya - Grass evolves, as well as higher apes. Grass seems to be the more intelligent of the two, since it can get humans to do its bidding.
2 mya - Ice ages begin. Woolly mammoths become second most ridiculous animal, after duck billed platypus.
.01 mya - Late Pleistocene Extinction. Humans start killing off anything larger than a wristwatch. In justification, they cite concerns of terrorism.
1my… in the future! - Aliens invade.
2my… in the future! - Aliens invade again. Both groups of aliens decide to leave after realizing what a dump this place is without the dinosaurs.