I used to work with young adults and children with developmental disabilities. As teenagers, their hormones rage just as everyone else’s. They got sex ed appropriate to their abilities. I really hope the group home where your brother lives spends time on sex positive sex ed!
If they don’t, perhaps you could try finding an organisation that provides such and see if they could do a few sessions?
A professional wouldn’t spark anything and that’s not already there, people with disabilities have bodies, hormones, feelings, physical needs, like everyone else.
The flip side I saw in Romania in the early 2000s. A “psychiatric” “care” “facility” (yes those are scare quotes, none of these words describe the place) where they had several abortions every year and I wouldn’t describe what was happening there as consensual. It was awful. (Don’t worry, it’s completely up to date and fine now!)
For people with different abilities, it’s always going to be a challenge. We worked hard on this stuff, there was a lot of attention. We even had sex workers who specialise in people with different abilities. But it just is incredibly complicated. As you say, the age description is wildly inaccurate. It just doesn’t make sense: adult body and hormones, can they count, can they read, tell time, understand other people’s emotions, relate a story, react appropriately, read social cues, name body parts etc etc - all this is often at different levels that we relate to different ages.
If you feel it’s something you’d like to talk to your brother about yourself, be prepared to go over the consent part over and over and over forever and be prepared for explicit, excruciating detail. Practise the excruciating detail in your head! It’s not like with typical kids.
I’ll relate a funny conversation, one I still think back to because it was so funny. I worked in a four star hotel where we trained young people with developmental disabilities in various skills (think: mopping or chopping vegetables). I was helping some guests, when one of the guys (P) asks: “Gracer, please can I ask something?”
Me: “I’ll be right with you, I’m just helping these guests.”
P: “Good, because I want to finger a girl but HOW?”
The guest (laughing): “Good luck explaining HOW!”
In the conversation, of course I emphasised consent as the most important thing:
- it’s a part of sex, which is always between people who really like each other
- you can start by asking if it’s something she would like to try
- it’s something you do together in private, in your bedroom
- start with stroking somewhere else, like her arm, her cheek or her back and ask her if she likes that, then you always ask before moving somewhere else
Etc etc ad nauseum, but of course this is not what P wanted to know about because the same stuff is covered, ad nauseum, in their sex ed. So the “but HOW??” question keeps coming.
The answer is both explicit and annoyingly unhelpful, because it’s not something you can explain.
“It means touching and stroking where a girl’s pants would be.”
“But HOW?”
“Well you would have to ask if she likes what you are doing or you could ask her to show you what she likes. Remember to keep checking that she wants to do this.”
“Show me HOW?”
“No, because I don’t want to have sex with you. Sex is only between people who like each other and want to do that. Always make sure you both talk about what you like and only do things you both want.”
You get the idea. Name the body parts, stroking, cuddling, being kind and gentle and looking for signs the other person is not having fun. It’s funny and excruciating and it challenges your own ability to describe sex. As the guest said to me: “Good luck explaining HOW!”
As for the possibility of pregnancy, I can’t really imagine the group home is not actively involved. She might be on Implanon? Unless this place is an early 2000s Romanian psychiatric care facility with no washing machine, I expect they deal with this mundane/complicated aspect of our humanity already.
Wait is this GD? I guess you’re looking for a debate on the generalities and not for advice. I don’t think it’s something we can generalise in any meaningful way. Can you consent if you are intellectually/developmentally disabled? Sure. Probably. It’s complicated.
