The internet DOES NOT WORK

The BBQ Pit
1

Foursquare NEVER KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. I can be sitting at a pizza place and Foursquare says “YOU ARE 273 FEET AWAY FROM THE PIZZA PLACE.” Foursquare’s ONE SINGLE PURPOSE is to KNOW WHERE YOU ARE and it DOESN’T EVER DO THAT.

Skype ALWAYS DROPS YOUR CALL. It’s supposed to be great this two-way video software and IT ALWAYS FAILS. Have you seen the questionnaire that comes up after your call is over? It asks you to name any problems you encountered AND HAS 128 CHECKBOXES TO CHOOSE FROM BECAUSE SO MANY THINGS GO WRONG.

Twitter DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ITS OWN RETWEETS. Hootsuite says my tweet was retweeted three times, but one of those was technically an @reply, and that’s somehow different, and the Twitter app doesn’t match up with the Twitter website and YOU THINK TWITTER WOULD HAVE FIGURED ALL THIS OUT BY NOW.

When you upload a photo to Facebook using its iPhone app and it asks you to write a caption, the keypad that comes up IS NOT IN LANDSCAPE which makes it HARD TO TYPE. Landscape is the EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD for an app to do and THERE IS NO REASON IN THIS OR ANY OTHER UNIVERSE THAT EVERY SINGLE IPHONE APP SHOULDN’T BE IN LANDSCAPE.

When you write a comment to go with your check-in on Foursquare, it’s also NOT IN LANDSCAPE which MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

Sometimes when you open Google Maps on your iPhone and center the map on your current location IT SHOWS A 500-MILE RADIUS. Thank you, Google Maps, I DIDN’T REALIZE I WAS ON THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN. Google, could you spare a little of your $192 BILLION VALUATION to fix your GODDAMN app?

Gmail has colored folders and customized icons but not tabbed browsing. Yahoo has tabbed browsing but not colored folders or customized icons. GUYS YOU NEED TO GET TOGETHER and FIGURE THIS MAIL THING OUT.

LinkedIn, why do you SUCK BALLS and RUN SO FUCKING SLOW on Google Chrome? It’s only one of the FOUR WEB BROWSERS IN AMERICA.

Why is the iPhone text message autocorrect ALWAYS SO INCREDIBLY WRONG? Does Steve Jobs think I meant to type “Let’s go out for dinner and a MERLIN”? Do you think Merlin the fucking WIZARD OF CAMELOT is having dinner with me?

Why do YouTube videos stop halfway through while the audio keeps going? NO IT’S NOT MY INTERNET CONNECTION, thank you, MR. TECH SUPPORT. The problem is YouTube, THE ZILLION-DOLLAR POWERHOUSE whose ONLY PURPOSE is to SHOW VIDEOS THAT DON’T SUDDENLY STOP.

Facebook, I want my News Feed to default to Most Recent. Do you think you could TAKE FIVE MINUTES to make that happen, MARK ZUCKERBERG THE MILLIONAIRE GENIUS?

Why is the spacing between paragraphs always screwed up on Blogger? I hit return and IT DOES NOTHING and then hit it again and IT DOES NOTHING and then hit it again and IT DOES NOTHING and then hit it again and IT DOES NOTHING and then hit it again and SUDDENLY IT WORKS. I didn’t know HTML followed some kind of Satanic RULE OF FIVES.

Internet, you’ve done a lot of incredible things, but in many ways, YOU STILL SUCK.

2

The internet may be imperfect, but the shift key works flawlessly.

3

Take my wife, PLEASE!

4

Seems to me that your problems lie with your phone, not the internet. Your issues with FourSquare, I share them, but I would guess it is a GPS issue. FourSquare can only work with the data it gets from the GPS chip.

Your problems with Twitter appear to problems with HootSuite not Twitter, just sayin’.

Also, ya know, if your want your keyboard in landscape, you have to turn your phone. If it was in landscape and your phone was in portrait, that would be a problem. As it stands, I can type on my phone, in portrait, just fine. In fact, I can even do it one handed that way (even faster with Swype). Also, personally, I find my phone much easier to hold in portrait mode and would a phone who’s apps only operated in landscape mode (as you’re suggesting) would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t be surprised, however, if there was an app to force the phone into landscape mode…yup, there seems to be at least one in the Android market.

5

Boo hoo

6

Is it just me that’s wondering what autocorrects to Merlin and goes with dinner?

I mean, excuse me, MERLIN.

7

It is true. The internet does not WORK. I never even saw the OP or even SMDB.

Meflin sticks his fingers in his ears : LA LA LA I dont see you.

Meflin

8

Get Better Facebook. Forcing Most Recent is an option.

9

Movie?

10

Is the speed of light too slow for you, you non contributing product sponge cunt.

That’s some funny shit.

11

Well that’s so obvious. I was thinking martini and was wondering how autocorrect got Merlin and then I was stuck on drinks.

Don’t I feel silly now.

12

Well hot damn, I’ve had two people tell me that in less then 10 minutes now. That’s gotta be some sort of record.

13

I’m not following the whole thing, but I think the OP asked Meflin out on a date someplace within 500 miles of Manhattan.

14

We can all go home now.

15

If you don’t like the way these mostly useless things work, don’t use them. To me, twitter is a sound birds make. I feel no need to check in with FourSquare because I don’t know what it is. I do not feel I’m missing out. I’m just about at the point where I feel a cellular phone might come in handy from time to time. 99 percent of these things strike me as being more efficient ways of doing things I don’t need to do at all.

16

And here I was thinking Merlot.

17

For all that money you pay for all those different apps and Web sites, you’d think they would work better!

18

Well, isn’t that special.

19

Man, there’s entitlement, and then there’s ENTITLEMENT

20

Better Facebook is the shit. But turn off Friend Tracker if you don’t want your self-esteem to take a nose dive every time someone unfriends you.