As soon as you pay off a car it will break down or be in an accident.
If it sounded like a good idea at the time, it probably wasn’t.
Got a hungry cat? Buy a case of his favorite food and he won’t eat it ever again. Never.
If I like a certain product at the supermarket (eg. generic multi grain crackers, catfish) and I start buying it regularly the store will stop selling it.
This. And don’t even dare really liking that cute new restaurant in your 'hood . . .
Oh yes, and any time I REALLY like something at a takeaway chain I’ll find out that it was a “limited time” item.
When you get out of hospital after 6 weeks from the routine surgery that was supposed to be a few days in there, they’ll give you the wrong medication which is 3 times the dose you are meant to have and then your dogs will be sick all over your bed and you’ll find out that, despite their inoculations, they’ve got a minor case of kennel cough. 
Old construction axiom: Most projects will start on time and proceed smoothly until they reach 98% complete, where they will remain for the next several years.
“Found money”, in the form of a prize or gift, always comes just before you need a repair on something. And the amount of that repair is exactly the same as the amount of money you just got.
Ok, that made me chuckle! 
The repair will be $20 more than the prize/gift and, man, I could have used that twenty for lunch this week. 
This is my grocery cart, outside the store after I paid for the groceries.
Because when I use a self-pay station at the grocery store, reusable bags NEVER FIT IN THE DAMN HOLDERS!
When beginning a roll of toilet paper, you will lose at least 18" trying to find the starting sheet.
If you need to fly anywhere near an airline “hub”, you will have to change planes at the hub.
Especially Atlanta.
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Ninja’ed …
1] Magnetic
2] Rusts
3] Sinks in water
Business folk have to keep records and receipts for 7 or 8 years for tax audits … boxes and boxes of this stuff, takes while to go through to find the one receipt you need … and it’s missing, only this one, you’ve lined up all 11,724 other receipts and matched them to you journals and you have every last one … except the one you’re looking for … no matter how hard you try, how diligent you are, the one receipt you need is the only one missing …
If there is a choice between an expensive item breaking a cheap item, and a cheap item breaking an expensive one, the latter will always happen. My earbuds must be made of cast iron. The receptacle for them on my phone, however, must have had quintuplets since I no longer can get a good connection.
One from college - ∑ luck = 0.
If you are lucky this month, you won’t be next month - or next year.
If you buy ice at the store, it will turn into a permanently interlocked solid mass the instant you put it in the freezer
If you use trays to make your own ice it will always stick like Epoxy when you try to pop it out.
If you have an icemaker the resulting product will exhibit faint notes of Imperial Margarine.
Ergo, you can’t have good ice at home.
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Marvin voice Life…don’t talk to me about life.
From the cashier’s station: The person who only has American Express and/or a check will only tell you this after you’ve rung up their $300 order. That person will argue that you can take their AmEx or check because “I used it here last week.”
No, you did not.
There is always heavy traffic unless you allow a little extra time.
If someone is driving like an utter prick, they’re in a BMW or an Audi.
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