Episode IV: In which the Jack Chicks of, um, Jack Chick-dom, segue smoothly into the Jack Chicks of Homosexuality
In this post on Fenris’ “The Jack Chick of Pro-Choice! The Comic-Book Tract Edition” thread, Esprix wonders “I wonder what an anti-tract would look like about… homosexuality!”
Now bear with me here, this could get a little involuted. You see, it turns out that the original “Jack Chicks” of the world have already written the anti-tract for us. In the March 18, 1999 edition of Rolling Stone, Robert Dreyfuss wrote an article called “The Holy War on Gays”. In it, Dreyfuss quotes one Dr. Paul Cameron, founder of the “Family Research Institute” and ISIS (the “Institute for the Scientific Investigation of Sexuality”), and one of the most widely cited “authorities” of the “reparative therapy” movement on the Christian Right. Here’s what the good doctor has to say about homosexuality:
Herewith, Homosexuality: The Most Satisfying Orgasm You Can Get!
Bob and Susie, an attractive young couple, are in what is clearly a fancy honeymoon suite. Susie, her face buried in her hands, is sobbing uncontrollably. Bob stands tensely, his face turned away from her.
Susie: Oh, B-Bob! I th-think the world of you–but is this all there is to sex? I saved myself for marriage–for you–and it turns out to be so b-b-b-boring!!! She breaks down in tears
Bob: angrily You think it’s boring for you? You just don’t understand my needs!
Susie: shouting How can you say that? I’m a women aren’t I? And you’re a man! Of course I understand your needs!
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. Bob, glaring angrily, strides across the room and jerks open the door. Standing in the hallway are a man and a women–the man is well-muscled, mustachioed, clad in a leather biker outfit, his shirt open to reveal his well-developed chest; the women is short-haired, spandex-clad, and intense yet attractive.
Bob: curtly Can I help you?
Man: Forgive us for the intrusion…
Woman: …but we couldn’t help but overhear you. She smiles apologetically Hotel walls, y’ know?
Man: May we come in?
Bob: angrily Excuse me?!? We are on our honeymoon!
Susie: Oh, let them come in, Bob! What does it matter anyway?
Woman: Susie, I overheard what you said–about being a woman, and understanding Bob’s needs. But you know, it’s just not true.
Susie: I don’t understand…
Woman: Susie, have you ever considered lesbianism?
Bob: Now wait just a minute here!
Woman: Bob, it’s only logical. The evidence is that men do a better job on men, and women on women, if all you are looking for is orgasm.
Bob: That can’t be right!
Man: Bob, homosexuality is pure sexuality. It’s almost like pure heroin. It’s such a rush!
Bob: uncertainly R-Really?
Woman: As you’ve been finding out tonight, marital sex tends toward the boring end. Generally, it doesn’t deliver the kind of sheer sexual pleasure that homosexual sex does.
Man: Within a few generations homosexuality will become the dominant form of sexual behavior!
Susie: Bob…maybe we should try homosexuality!
Bob: It…it seems too powerful to resist!
Later: Bob, Susie, and the gay couple are now together–Bob, now also wearing black leather, his body much more toned and muscular, stands arm in arm with the gay man; Susie, her hair shorter, wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and a nose ring, embraces the lesbian women.
Susie: Thanks so much guys! I never dreamed I could have this much sexual pleasure!
Bob: Wow! Me, too!
Susie: laughing Yes, Bob, you know what they say…
All: …Men do a better job on men, and women on women!
YES, I want to have tons of unbelievably great, heroin-like man-on-man action and/or hot lesbian sex! I accept homosexuality into my various orifices and will never again be contented with plain, boring straight sex.
Date: ________
If you have become a homosexual, you have just begun a wonderful new sex life. Now:
1.) Have as much gay/lesbian sex as you possibly can, with lots of anonymous partners!
2.) Recruit, recruit, recruit–remember to go to places where young, impressionable children like to hang out–schools are good, but playgrounds and malls offer even better opportunities to talk to the kids without adult supervision.
3.) Don’t forget to advance the homosexual cultural agenda as well. We can never again let there be another tragedy like the cancellation of Ellen!
