The Jesus Horror Passion Show

Cafe Society
1

(The movie opens with Jesus singing “Dammit, Planet, I love you…”)

More than twenty years ago, out of curiosity for a current cultural phenomenon, I went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at a theater in California. I was the only person not in costume. Moviegoers, dressed as their favorite characters, stood on the stage and parroted the monolugues, when it rained in the movie the crowd began spraying squirt guns etc. (I got soaked).

I think *The Passion of the Christ * should become an interactive cult classic along the same lines.

So come on you masters of parody and satire, give me some suggestions for songs and audience participation.

2

I’ve seen some stills on the review and damn if it doesn’t look gory enough to be a horror movie…

But damn if this isn’t a fabulous idea.

My Contribution:

Over at the Golgotha Place

Mary: In the non-darkness, of the desert light
Burning bright, there’s a Super Star
On Golgotha, that’s where we are

Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiiist
Disciples: Over at the Golgotha Place
Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiist
Disciples: With fake blood running down his face
Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriist, Chriist,
On a scary hill, over there.

(Cut to God, sitting on a cloud, but still looking like Riff Raff)

God: Jesus must die,
No more Old Testament smiting
Go Jesus Go
Let Andrew Webber come writing
Into your li-i-ife
Into your liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!

(Cut back to Mary and Peter)

Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiiist
Disciples: Over at the Golgotha Place
Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiist
Disciples: With fake blood running down his face
Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriist, Chriist,
On a scary hill, over there.

3

You know, I think every Christian, as with every other person who believes in some religious doctrine, is a damn fool.
But there’s no call to go insulting these poor, deluded, stupid fools to their faces.

That’s just crass.

4

So, when do we throw stones at the screen?

::ducks and runs::

5

That’s the spirit, I love it. I can hear the chorus of disciples. Great work GMRyujin!

And Dizzy Fingers, when the “stones” start flying in the theaters, you will be known as the genius behind the activity.

[Note to gleeb: This hyperbolic (IMO) movie is a public phenomenon. Therefore it is subject to parody. I don’t think we are mocking Christianity, we are having fun with Mel Gibson’s commercial product. I don’t think that jokes about Jim Bakker or the Pope’s hat are tantamount to religious disrespect. Relax, brother.]

Before we get too far along, who should the narrator be? I think Jerry Falwell or Hutton Gibson.

6

“I’m Jim Bakker (ASSHOLE!) and this is my fiancee, Tammy Faye (SLUT!).”

“I’m just a sweet Judas-vestite… from Transsexual Transjordan…”

7

Chuck Heston should be the narrator. C’mon, he’s Moses! “You hung him up! You damn, dirty Romans!”

The finale of this show should be St. Peter climbing up an RKO radio tower like King Kong/Rocky while Romans shoot laser beams at him.

I’ll write another song if no one else wants in on this action.

From The Day He Was Born, He Was Trouble

From the day he was born, he was trouble
He was de thorn, in de Pharisees’ side
They tried in vain, but he never caused them nothing but shame
They got him the day he died

From the day he was born
All he wanted
Was “love thy neighbor” corn and de motorbike
Preaching his junk
(He was a low down, cheap little punk)
Taking everyone for a walk

When Jesus said he didn’t like the Pharisees
You knew he was a no-good kid
But when he threatened their lives
With a God this size,
What a guy
Makes ya cry
And I did

Mary Magdelene: Everybody shoved him, I very nearly loved him
I said, “Hey listen to me, let’s run off, you can give it to me.”
But he took a vow of celibacyyyyyyyyyyy!

But he must have been drawn, into something
Making him warn, me in a note which reads (What’s it say? What’s it say?)
“I’m outta my head, Oh hurry, or I may be ded
They mustn’t carry out their evil scheme…YAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

When Jesus said he didn’t like the Pharisees
You knew he was a no-good kid
But when he threatened their lives
With a God this size,
What a guy
Makes ya cry
And I did

8

I’m going back to the beginning and start with two bloody red lips against a black background singing about The Evening Triple Crucifixion Show (I’ll post the lyrics later.)

I’m not giving up on this thread but I want to see Gibson’s movie first before I can better suggest audience participation activities.

I can’t wait to hear the reworkings of The Time Warp.

More good work by GMRyujin. :wink:

9

I have no intention of seeing the movie, but I can guess how it goes.

The idea of Jesus leading a song and dance number amuses me endlessly. My Bobblehead Jesus approved, by the way. I said “Bobblehead Jesus, do you approve of my songwriting in this thread?” And he nodded yes over and over again.

10

I thought it appropriate to insert here a copy of the post I just posted in the concurrent CS thread, “What NOT to do while watching ‘Passion’” (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=242163&page=2):

Do not assemble a large claque of atheists, skeptics, SubGenii, Discordians, Merry Pranksters, and generally naughty and high-spirited cutups.

Do not study and rehearse all of the lines, quips, pranks, etc., listed above in this thread.

Do not dress up in period costumes with Pharisees and Romans predominating, go to the movie in a body, get there early, and grab the whole first three or four rows.

Do not laugh, whistle, stamp and cheer every time something painful happens to Jesus.

When Jesus rises from the grave (as I assume he does – haven’t seen the flick), do not start screaming “Ripoff!” and “Nail him up again! Get it right!”

As the other audience members are walking out of the theater in somber, just-got-whacked-on-the-head-with-a-two-by-four, Schindler’s List-quality silence, do not gabble and high-five each other and say things like, “Let’s have a Second Coming and we’ll do Him again!”

Do not repeat the above steps every week so long as the movie is in town.

Do not forget to retain a good lawyer in advance.

11

Christian Fiction, Double Feature

Mel Gibson’s dad was ill
The day they killed the Jews,
But he’s told us…“Zey just moved!”
And Mel Gibson was there
in Scottish underwear
“A god complex ain’t nothin’ to lose.”
Then something went wrong
When Judas had his swan song,
“They had me in an apostle jam!”
There was a deadly race
To the Golgotha place
And this is how the message ran…

Christian fiction, double feature
God Himself will build a creature
See Jesus fighting zombie ninjas
On his back, our salvation hinges
Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh-ohhh
At the Sunday, double feature, picture show.

I knew John the Baptist
Wasn’t a Papist
When those guys cut off his head
And my religion got hot
When I saw Jesus and Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the runes
And passing them used lots of skills
But when religions collide
Said Falwell to his bride
It’ll give us some terrible thrills, like a…

Christian fiction, double feature
God Himself will build a creature
See Jesus fighting zombie ninjas
On his back, our salvation hinges
Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh-ohhh
At the Sunday, double feature, picture show.
I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh
To the Sunday, double feature, picture show.
By R.K.O. - Wo oh oh oh
To the Sunday, double feature, picture show.
In the back row - Oh oh oh oh
To the Sunday, double feature, picture show.

12

Ohhhhh, there is a very special place in imaginary Hell reserved for you people. I’ll bring the appetizers…

13

Anyone needing more information a copy of the origional script can be found HERE

Suggestions:
I’m going home, for the Easter cave scene
Toucha Toucha Touch me for the virginal birth

14

Please. After all, didn’t Jesus say, “Fuck em if they can’t take a joke?”

Besides, if a 2000 year old religion is undermined by a fat guy writing silly songs about it, I daresay its time has come.

15

And do not sing the Leon Rosselson classic, “Stand Up for Judas” (http://www.mysongbook.de/msb/songs/s/standupf.html):

16

It’s astounding
Life is… fleeting
Crucifiction
Takes it’s toll

But listen closely-
Not for very much longer
I’ll give you
Fish and loaves…

17

JESUS (to Roman Legionnaires):

How do you do? I
See you know my
name: I’m the Lord, Jesus.

I’m just a little put out
Because Judas sold me out
for a measley thirty silver pieces.

Don’t get strung out by the way I look.
I’m not just a Jewish hippie.
I’m just the son of man by the light of day
But that Cana wine’s pretty trippy.

I’m just a red hot savior
From Nazareth, Israel.

Watch me create some bread,
Maybe… raise the dead,
or tell the Samaritan’s story.
If you’re not into that,
get the thorns, make me a hat,
We’ll just skip to the bit where it’s gory.

SEPTUS:
We just came to arrest you
before these boys molest you,
and we’re glad we got you when we did.
CAIUS: Right.

PETER:
I’m-a chop off your ear
if you think I’m a queer!
You wanna taste my steel, kid?

JESUS:
He really [em]loves[/em] his neighbors, but let’s not belabor
the point, boys. Don’t knock it 'til you try it.
Peter loves me too, and I bet he’d love you,
but once the cock crows, he’ll deny it.

I’m just a red hot savior
From Nazareth, Israel.

Why don’t you all settle down?
JUDAS: Down.
JESUS: Just take me downtown?
PETER: Town.
JESUS: Just book me on some legal fiction.
I’ve been praying a lot,
But Dad says I’ve got
a starring part in the crucifixion.

I’m just a red hot savior
From Nazareth, Israel.
WHIP ME FLOG ME
I’m just a red hot savior

APOSTLES: Red Hot Savior!

JESUS: From Nazareth,

APOSTLES: Israel.

JESUS: So go through with your plans
Jam some nails in my hands,
Subject me to public… derision.
I’ll wash away all your sins,
Come back alive, just for grins,
and start up my own
new religion.

18

Bahahaha! Good show, Jurph!

19

I was haulin’ in some fish, just enjoyin’ the stink
When this son-of-a-God gave me whole new think!
He said, "Follow me, say goodbye to your wife,
“And I’ll fix you up with an Eternal Life!”
He nudzhed and nudzhed until I packed it in,
And left my nets to be a Fisher of Men!

20

Ever go to a Catholic church when they are reading the Passion? They have the congregation play the crowd parts in some places, so you get to shout “Crucify him!”

(add comedy “wewease wodewick” option)

At first I thought this thread was about puns on the movie title. My favorite so far is “The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre” (from Fark via Slate).