What NOT to do while watching "Passion"

Like me, have you been invited to watch it with a church group? If so, do NOT:

  1. Belt out “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” during the crucifixion scene

  2. Announce the sequel: “Inquisition: The Revenge of the Christians”

  3. Ask “So is this happening at 3:00 or 6:00?”

Anything else **not ** to do?

Say the following:

“Man, Jesus was hot!”

“Don’t you just hate it when they set a movie up for its own sequel? I mean, really, who just up and comes back to life beside Freddy and Jason?”

“Man, Mary was hot!”

“The movie promised passion! Where are the sex scenes?”

Where were Luis and Sheridan and Antonio and Beth and Julian and Alister and Theresa and…Oh, Passion, not Passions.

“That’s gotta hurt!”


“Thank you sir, may I have another”


“Thank you sir, may I have another”

etc. etc.

Man why only three nails? What kind of a cheap production is this?

(point out any of the many historical inaccuraces)

Hey I think that Jesus guy was probably boffing that Mary(Magdelen) chick don’t you think?

Hey this guy Jesus is obviously gay. Who else hangs out with tweleve guys drinking wine in the desert.

Give him tongue give him tongue! (during the betrayal kiss)

heh heh heh they said erection.

Right before they start putting him on the cross yell out:

Uh oh Chongo!

Oy vey, that’ll teach him!

“That movie was so good they should make a book from it!”

It’s only a flesh wound!

Wear a gimp suit.

Wear a Darth Vader costume.

Dress up like Jesus.

Giggle loudly.


lol… that was good…

Along the same lines…

“I heard that Salman Rushdie was writing the novelization …”

-Thou shalt not start a drinking game with sacramental wine (1 shot for every lash, 2 shots for each nail, 3 shots for everytime a Latin character says ‘Ego’, and 4 shots for whenever an Aramaic speaker says a word that doesn’t require phlegm.)

-Thou shalt not loudly sing “So you are the Christ/you’re the great Jesus Christ/prove to me that you’re no fool/walk across my swimming pool…” when Jesus goes before Totally Gay Herod™

-When Pilate offers the crowd their choice of Jesus or Barabbas, thou shalt not cry out “What’s behind Curtain Number 3?” or scream “OJ! OJ! OJ!”

-Thou shalt not make use of the phrase “Now that’s what I call a good old Roman asswhoopin!”

-Thou shalt not say the old punchline “I can see my house from here!” during the agony on the cross

-Thou shalt not say “Dude! You are so punk’d!” when Peter denies Jesus.

-Thou shalt not say aloud in the dark theater “Keep your hands to yourself, Father Joey!”

-Thou shalt not cry out “Jesus Christ is that guy hung!” when the cross is raised.

(stops swirling red dot from laser pointer around Jesus’ nipples and points laser toward KXL)

When Big Gay Herod appears on screen for the first time, break out into “I’m Super! Thanks for asking …”

Do not, repeat, do not, say at any point in the movie, “Now those Romans, they knew how to take care of terrorists!”

“You know, if they set fire to that cross, it’d be really cool.”

“All right! A snuff film!”

“Subtitles? No one told me this is a foreign film!”

“When is Mel going to show up and kick some ass?”

Chew your nails.

Wonder aloud, “How did this guy eat M&Ms?”