A thought had ocurred to me this weekend; some inner wisdom sparked thanks to the wisdom of the SDMB community, forced through my denial and insecurity.
Tuesday is when I hope to get the hell on with me life. For years I had struggled with the concept of moving out. I freely admit I lacked the follow-through, that if I wanted to do it so bad, I could have done so. And that some members of the community rightly identified that my problem was not where I live or what I do, but that my actions are not in sync with my words.
A big part of this was because I was really torn between moving out and taking big risks- living paycheck to paycheck, or stuck with potentially unpleasant roomates, or staying where I was, concentrating on school, pressing every advantage I had of the current situation to ensure that I would be well established when I did move out. All sorts of things could go wrong. Was I ready for it? I certainly was. Was I willing to go through with it? That is another matter. I know I would have still gotten condemnation if I said, “I plan on moving out when I’m 25” stuck with that, and never made excuses or anything. But I wouldn’t be throwing excuses out like I did.
I could have moved out when I was still in school. But I balked, feeling that I was too dumb to excel in school while getting by on my own. I thought if I held off moving out until I graduated, that I could better guarantee that I actually do graduate. None of my friends who moved out finished college- they either couldn’t afford it, or had to quit intermittently because of financial problems. I wanted to move out, but I realized not so badly as to share their possible fate.
I could have moved out after I finished college. But I (stupidly?) auditioned for a play, thinking, “Well, I probably won’t get cast anyway, and if I do, it is only another 3 months…” I wanted to move out then, but in retrospect, not nearly as much as I wanted to participate in the play. Was it stupid of me to put off moving out so I could be in some silly play? Some people believe so, and I do not fault them for thinking that. Right now I kind of wonder if it was such a great idea. But the play had a very powerful impact on me, and it was a significant experience- akin to travelling to Europe, or maybe spending time in the military.
I knew that once the play was over, I would no longer have any excuses. I really did need to get out, for my own sake. The longer I live here, the harder it is to get out. For me, always having motivation problems, this was doubly challenging. The more time that passed, the more I realized I was not putting enough effort into it. What I was doing was far, far short of what I claimed I wanted to do. I started spending more time looking for full-time jobs, poring over newspaper job sections, online job sites, temp agencies, etc. I had a particular job in mind that I had been aspiring towards, and while I continued to work toward accomplishing that, I kept other options open. I also started looking at apartments, putting togehter a budget, and trying to save money now to give myself some leeway.
I now (finally :wally ) know that from the standpoint of wanting to move out, I’ve wasted six years. I was insecure and frustrated, kept second-guessing myself. The past two weeks I have been getting seldom more than 4 hours a sleep at night, and have become a nervous wreck. I was getting close to having a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately for the SDMB, I was using the BBQ Pit as my emotional vomit bucket; unable to come to terms with my problems and get real help. This weekend I took an emotional breather.
On Tuesday I go in for an interview for my dream job. The interview process is going to be the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life. A lot is uncertain; as confident as I am about getting the position it could very well turn out that I am grossly inexperienced for the job. But I’m not worried about that anymore. Even if that doesn’t pan out, there are other job interviews later this week, and other possible careers. I’ve put this off for too long. And it is going to feel very good to get over it. 
) I will go back and do round 2 with the recruiters. My trump card here is experience- I know how the company works, I am familiar with their mission and how they go about staying out of the black in terms of budget. I am hoping that my familiarity and confidence with the system will help compensate for my mediocre grades in school. I didn’t go to a big name college, nor did I get fantastic grades. But I know the job and can do it without breaking a sweat.