The Joys Of Instilling Terror In Your Child

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Inspired by this thread

The Littlest Briston was fiddling with the child-proof latch on the cabinet under the sink the other day while I was cleaning up from dinner.

“Hey”, I told her, “Don’t touch that.”

“But I wanna see what’s in there” was her reply.

Poisons, cleaning agents, and all the other assorted nasty stuff that makes it necessary to have it locked in the first place is the real reason, of course. But the actual answer I gave her was “Oh, no you don’t…you don’t want to open that door. You’d let the monster out”.

“The monster?”, she said, with a skeptical look.

“Uh huh…we keep a monster in there to help clean the dishes. Watch…” – I took one of the dinner plates and washed the leftovers down the garbage disposal – “…now I’ve sent the monster his food, and…”

With a surreptitious flick of the switch on the disposal, the “monster” came to life.

“GRAAAAAAAUUUGHHHHHHUGGLUGGGLGUUULLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!” came from under the sink.

“See…that’s the monster eating the leftover food. Want me to open the cabinet so you can see?”

“Noooo! Don’t open the cabinet and let the monster out!”

“Oh…so, are you going to try and open the cabinet again?”

“No daddy…I don’t wanna open that cabinet!”

My work here is done.

2

Someone grew up watching those Mr. Yuk commercials, I see. (They always scared the heck out of me.)

3

Heheh brilliant!

My brother was camping with his two young boys. In order to keep them from running completely wild, he told them that if they didn’t behave, the Park Ranger would come and throw them all out of the camping site and they’d have to walk back home.

About a week later, we all went to the movies and the kids were being a bit fidgety, so my brother says, ‘Don’t make me ring the Park Ranger and tell him to come get you’ and suddenly they were very, very quiet.

4

So funny that you posted this now. My son (under 2) kept wandering over to a part of our back yard that has thorns & begins to descend into a wooded are. My wife grew tired of retrieving him and/or admonishing him, so she told him there was a monster over there.

Now he stands on our patio & points over to that corner of the yard, saying “Monsha!? Monsha?!”

It’s almost sad.

5

On second thought - you realize, of course, that you’ve taught her how the monster gets food.

Anyone taking bets on how quickly she decides to throw knives down the disposal in an attempt to slay the monster?

6

…ah, crap.

7

Or dumping her broccoli in there, with the same intent.

8

Or decides that in order to appease the monster she needs to feed him more and thus empties the contents of the fridge into the disposal.

9

You’ve never met my daughter, an obvious product of Bizarro World. I’ve seen her choose broccoli over cake.

10

Well, sure! You can’t use *cake *to pretend you’re a giant eating trees!

11

I told my 2.5yr old that there was a monster in the furnace, and the small red light was a glowing eye. Mostly I wanted her to get away from the cabinet doors I was down there painting. I didn’t intend for her to fear the basement for the rest of the year.

She was relieved to see that the new house has a boiler with no “eye.”

12

Yeah, but as per my understanding from this board, your daughter is half sheep, right?

13

That monster is blind. That’s why she needs to take a bath every day, otherwise the monster can smell her.

14

Do you know why this made me laugh? The only bathtub in the house is right next to the boiler right now until we install the new bathroom upstairs.

15

Funny, this was the rationale AGAINST bathing in “The Witches.” (Witches hate the smell of children, so the smell of dirt protects against that.)

16

Mr. Yuk was highly effective for me too.

Good job with the Monster under there, too bad they are illegal in NYC.

17

I thought that I was the only one who did this…

18

Good one :smiley:

I’ve told this story here before (I think) but that won’t stop me from telling it again.

I must preface this by mentioning: At some point I told the kids the plain, unvarnished truth: I’m Santa Claus. Of course, being kids they took this quite literally.

Now at the time we had a shed out back. The kids naturally became curious about what was in the shed. I knew I needed to keep them out, but how? Anything I said about the actual contents would only spark their curiosity.

Kids: What’s in the shed daddy?

Think fast! Don’t tell them it’s dangerous tools and poisonous chemicals all wrapped in an explosively-flammable rotting wood shell - that’s a kid paradise! But what else can you keep in a locked shed?

Me: The reindeer.

Kids: <skeptical> The reindeer? C’mon, you don’t expect us to fall for that do you?

Me: I gotta keep 'em somewhere all year, don’t I? You’d rather I kept them in your room? They poop a lot.

Kids: We want to see them!

Me: Well…that’s the thing. See, I don’t feed them all year either. So they get hungry. You ever seen reindeer teeth up close? Besides, that Blitzen is downright mean.

Kids: Um…well, maybe not

Me: You sure? They’ll probably eat only one of you. Who’s the slowest?

Kids: No really, s’ok, we don’t want to see them any more.

Me: Nah, come on, you’ll probably only lose an arm. You got two, let’s check it out!

Kids: AIIIEEEIEIEIEIE (run away!)
Yeah, I’m going to hell.

19

My dad told my brother and I when we were little that when it gets dark out the flying dogs come and eat any kids they find and that’s why kids are not allowed out after dark. A couple of years ago my brother, his wife, the nephew and I went out to visit him and he told my nephew the exact same thing.

20

Aww. The concept of flying dogs is too cute. Flying beagles! Flying dachschund!