“Mom, do you know why they call it crazy glue? Because, the guy that invented it, didn’t patent it, got no money, and the grief drove him insane… and instead of holding his arms with a a straight jacket, they held his arms with crazy glue! His own crazy glue!”
Honey, we’re going to be late and the car won’t start!
(kicks tire)- "Try it now.
No, no good.
(Slams door) - “How bout now, try it now.”
(Repaints car, sneaks up on it, rolls windows up and down…"Try it now!
Finally take the Johnson kid out from under hood.
Damn damn damn! You beat me to it, you magnificent bastard!
Well, I guess Twenty-nine Helens agree:
“Punctuality is important!”
*I know, somebody grabbed that one too.
Yer pal,
Zappo
These guys…
smoke.
Boy do they smoke.
They’re bad.
Courtroom Scene
“Oh no.”
“Whats wrong?”
“Oh nothing…just that the entire jury is made up of my 12 ex-girlfriends.” (Shot of 12 women scowling at Bruce)
“You’re kidding.”
“NO! Did it ever occur to you to ask them any questions?”
“Why no.”
And of course…seeing the Chicken Lady masturbate by riding a coin operated pony in a mall. Then the orgasm
BOOOM!!! Feathers fly everywhere!
I nearly died laughing when Bruce came up to pull her off and she O’d again!!
Oh good god do I love KITH.
“My wife beats me”
“I’m sorry I caused all that cancer”
“That’s why I get paid the big bucks”
So many sketches I love… can’t quote them all. Oh well.
Lucky Charms
Getting folks a’ talking
talking an’ squaking
Squaking an’ walking
Running FREEEEEEE!!!
Oooooh! Forgot one of the best!
“Screw You, Taxpayer!”
Satan!!!
Best thing to come out of Canada since Bill Shatner!
I’m crushing your head!
What was the name of the naked guy?
“Your liver will explode, and your brain will swim in bile!”
“Splotchie!”
“Called me [cluck] abomination![cluck]”
**SAUSAGES!!!
. . . sausages . . .**
Paul Bellini (not quite naked, he did wear a towel), if I’m not mistaken (or maybe Mark, from the “I discovered nudity” sketch)
And then in the summer of '69, I grew a tail.
Dave: That’s it. Unfurl it boy. [Scott continues to undo pants] C’mon it’s not a flag, let it touch the ground. [Scott finishes, makes gesture of removing himself, loud thump is heard as if something has hit the floor. Scott throws arms out to side triumphantly Dave has very wide eyed, surprised stare, he then picks up the phone.] Bingo? Would you get me Loins of London, please
(Danny Husk: Blade Rogers, Season Three)
Mark: You are out of line! You’re not respecting the customs of Bellini day.
Bruce: Did I not go caroling disco tunes of Earth?
Mark: Yes, but…
Bruce: Did I not drink Bellini’s favorite beverage for breakfast; buttermilk?
Mark: Yes! Now sit down and eat of the traditional trout!
Dave: Yes! I made a very fine trout gravy this year young man!
(Bellini Day, Season Five)
(from http://www.kithfan.org/ Very nifty site. Transcripts of all the kith sketches.)
Oh, the cops! I forgot them. They’re best:
GUY: (To Bruce) You PIG! You stupid PIG! (Smells him.) I smell bacon, sniff, sniff! PIG, you stupid PIG! Look at me, (Mike shows up at this point.) oink, oink, I’m a BIG PIG, oink snort, I’m a BIG PIG! (Exit.)
BRUCE: You could have DONE something.
MIKE: Oh. I thought you knew him! (Takes out nightstick and follows GUY.)
I found no love in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk. Just warmth, and quiet.
But then the questions: “Hey, why are you in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk? Are you in there because of love?”
And always, “You know if you’re homeless, man, you cannot sleep there.”
Oh sure Nina, I experimented with homosexuality in college, but then who didn’t? Oh! And I drank human blood! There, I said it and I feel better for having said it!
:eek:
This is your bank calling. Your acount is overdrawn. However, in lieu of payment, we will accept sex, as we understand you’re very good.
Ho de ho de oten hey,
Ho de oten hey, ho.
Ho de ho de othen hey,
Fattening up our tapeworms.
Mourner: What did he die of?
Scott (in coffin) Cancer.
Mourner: I heard it was AIDS.
Scott: Not AIDS, cancer!
Pens! All you can carry!
You don’t like us. That’s what this is all about.
Mark as foreign-sounding cab driver, explaining how the Brain Candy is made:
“It’s made from monkey come. They show them pornography. Really kinky stuff too, like two dogs and a cat, or a bat and a pig.”
You are all a bunch of Girly-Drink Drunks.
Sua