I cant remember an exact quote but the chicken lady was the funniest , and the guy who said " I squish your head was my second funniest.
“Oh, and son, Remember, I could kill you while you sleep.”
“JERRY!!!”
“He may but short in stature, but he sure ain’t short on nerve”
“If my head was made of Veal, how much would it be worth?”
“alright, what’s with all the hoopla?”
They said my uniform design was, get this, too girly. As if anything could be."
“Chicken lady: She knocked out a cow.
Bearded lady: Two Cows!!!”
“Hi! I’m Larry’s Mom! You must be Larry’s friend! He’s not here right now, but come in anyway! I’m making… Potato Salad!”
“Seven! It’s always seven!”
“You like your eggs? Their fresh! Yaaaaaaaa. Straight outta my body and onto your plate.”
WESTON ESTERHAZY’S CELEBRITY BOTTLE-SPOONHEADS!
“Mom, dad… I’m going to be an Indian woman.”
A valuable addition to my library of idiomatic expressions: “I’m just listening to the band.”
And, for those fortunate enough to see them live:
“Yeah, but what are you going to do for our baskets?”
I think I’m about ready to sit down and watch all of those again… it’s been years.
“You chose the jam of a child-molester!”
Who is Belinni, really? Is he a producer director, or just a friend?
He’s a writer, I believe.
Running faggot running free…run you faggot!
Oh sorry, I’m an AXE murderer.
Anything with Francesca Fiore.
It’s Flying Pig!
It’s Son of Flying Pig!
Each night as I go home to my apartment, and my large bowl of popcorn, I sit in silence with a dog for whom I feel nothing.
Oh, son! Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess – zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician.
Another Tahitian Tihi for my friend the vice-president! And waitress, this time, no giggling!
Oh…if your favorite Dustin Hoffman movie is “Rainman”, I’ll go through you like diarrea. But, if you love “Ishtar”, then I’m your constipated sex star.
How do you stand it? I mean, all these school girls coming in here, ya know…being noisy…reaching up for things…bending over to tie their shoes…standing between you and an available light source. How do you stand it?
Why didn’t Daddy give up drinking? He couldn’t. Daddy drank for the government!
I have reason to belive that Nichols wrote this report while naked.
That’s it. You’re hopeless, you’re pathetic, you’re the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.
Oh, can’t stay in bed, Martha. I gotta get out ‘n’ plant the sheep.
“But, we’re not going to go to the bathroom, are we? And why?”
“Because we’re not going to be tyrannized by our bladders.”
“That’s right, I’m the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!”
These are the Daves I know.
Doe a Deer.
“I knew this one kid who wouldn’t take blood transfusions so instead they gave him apple juice and in the autumn he changed color, fell out of a tree and died!”
“I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. My friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn’t the same.”
And it’s not Eliminator, it’s Eeeeeradicator!
“Hey son, you know how you’ve been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I’m joking. I’d never buy you a puppy.”
“Edward, my youngest and most precious, I’m on the telly with Canada NOW!”
FNRFR- Dave’s cowboy is one of my all-time favorites. I love it because it was easy to memorize, and that’s the entire sketch.
“If William Shakespeare were alive today, he wouldn’t be writing plays, he’d be concentrating on answering machine messages.”
…
“Eep, eep. We’re out monkeying around. Leave a message!”
“That’s just great- you never finish anything you do. You dropped out of college, you only took one vegetarian cooking class. It’s a joke!”
[Message gets played]
“You’re forty five years old, and you’re still technically a boy…”
'No Hecubus, no checkubus."
I paid $90+ for me and a friend to see the Kids reunion live and was disappointed because 95% of their stage material was word-for-word from the TV episodes, almost all of which I had seen already.
“You know what would make a better Mom than you? A cat, or a dog, or a cow, or a clump of mud, or a piece of string!”
I too paid far to much for their live stage show, and I knew a lot of it, but it was still worth it!
My Art!!
I make the big bucks.
It’s a fact!
Our special relationship.
“I ate all my acid in grade eight”
“mmmm…soup…”
(and from the censored/last episode) also about soup
“I made it with my own (bleep)”
“I’m a scientist. And studying you two men’s diet of exclusively macaroni and ketchup we have concluded that you must have tapeworms a mile long.”
“So?”
“Soooooo we’re giving you a lifetime supply fo tapeworm food! Bring er in boys!”
Everything you want to know about Paul Bellini…
Last I heard, he was still writing for This Hour Has 22 Minutes.