The last acceptable stereotype

The BBQ Pit
1

I am speaking of course of the tragedy of B.O.

It happened about 20 years ago when I hit puberty and started sweating. It hasn’t stopped.

I’ve seen people complain about all kinds of things and get sympathy, but precious little understanding is offered to the malodorous enhanced.

My whole body gives off a constant testosterone stink. By the time I step out of the shower and finish shaving, my armpits are already reeking. I have a lot of gas as well. I have my own office at work, and it seems that every time I relieve the pressure somebody chooses that moment to pop in, but only for a second.

I get weird looks in grocery stores.

I had to marry a woman with no sense of smell. She broke her nose taking judo and never got it fixed (absolutely true.)

People laugh at me and make jokes without consideration of my feelings.

I’m a big muscular good looking guy, but ladies only seemed to admire me from a distance.

When dating I used to shower two or three times a day, use deodorant by the pound and douse myself in Old Spice. Then people would complain about my cologne. If they only knew!!!

Imagine dating as a young man. You start fooling around and getting all hot and bothered. You round first and start heading for second base in the back of your steamy 1973 Buick Centurion and all of a sudden you catch a whiff of what’s bubbling out of your Mennen soaked pits.

Imagine sitting at a board meeting trying to discuss new and exciting methods to rape the shareholders through accounting malfeasance, and yet not being able to think because you’re using all your powers of concentration to hold in a deadly fart.

I swear to God, my two year old daughter calls me “Daddystinks,” except she pronounces it “Daddystoinks.”

Imagine coming in from your evening jog and having your daughter say “Look it’s Dadddystoinks! Daddystoinks! Daddystoinks! you wanna play toys?”

“Ok, but can Daddy have a kiss?” I’ll ask.

“No, Daddystoinks. No.”

It’s the last acceptable stereotype in a cruel and heartless society.

Gimme some pity.

2

I’m sure this has been suggested before, but perhaps a specialist of some kind could help you.

3

It’s genetic. My grampa smells, too.

Don’t think I haven’t tried everything, but no matter what innocuous and inert things I eat, my body converts it into a liquid reek that emanates from every pore in my body as well as a toxic gas.

4

It’s a shame ain’t it Scylla? People laughing at you. Right to your face all the time too. They insult you right to your face because those good smelling people are so sure it’s so easy to get rid of that B.O.

So they pass judgement on you without even knowing you because of that B.O. that you’ve tried everything within your power to get rid of.

Sucks to be you.

5

Is it OK if I stand over here while tossing you some pity?

6

Wow. Biggirl, you rock.

b.

7

Go to a dermatologist, and to a gastroenterologist. If you’ve got excessive sweat glands (which it sounds like you might) there are things that can be done about that. And trust me, it is NOT normal for someone to have horrible gas all the time. If you have some underlying medical condition, you need to get help for it. Otherwise you haven’t done everything you can to get rid of the smell, have you?

8

Is…this…a parody thread? - she asked cautiously.

9

Isn’t it possible to have the sweat glands in your pits removed or something? Not that it would help with the sweat leaking out of the other parts of your body…

10

I’ve always thought you stank, Scylla.

:smiley:

11

Just so posters don’t duplicate your efforts, could you expand on this? Thanks.

12

Scylla, you can reek my world anytime.

What?

13

Scylla, fucko off.

14

I was just so unhappy with who I am, society forced me to live up to their oh so sacharrine sweet standards. I went to Doctors, I tried diets. I even spent the whole week before the prom eating nothing but nilla wafers and those damn english digestive biscuits. have you ever tried those things? Goddamn the English!

I bought one of those electronic catalytic stones that you’re supposed to run over your pits, deodorant soap, and snarfed beano 3 times a day, all to try to fit into some unrealistic standard, trying to be normal, trying to be one of the sweet people.

But you know what?

FUCK YOU!!!

This is who I am! This is what I smell like! This is me!

I’m happy with who I am.

You don’t like my smell?

Tough shit! Why don’t you come stand a little closer and say that?

I don’t need to change me just to conform to your artificial standard.

I think and feel and breathe and eat just like you do! I have hopes and desires.

I see Jarbabyj sitting over their smirking at me with those big breasts and smug superior look on her face, but one day you’ll cut one loose in a crowded elevator, and then you’ll know what it feels like to walk a mile in my shoes.

Like your shit doesn’t stink. Right?
You’re all a bunch of hypocrites!
Know wonder you don’t like that stink. It’s the odor of righteoussness.
You might all walk around talking about how I rank I am, but you know what they say?
Rank has its privileges.

15

You know what’s funny? Before I knew what it was, I LIKED the smell of sweat. I thought it was my grandfather’s smell. After I found out that popular opinion was that sweat smelled awful, I started to hate it too. So, basically, I think that people like the smell of sweat deep down but they’re afraid to admit it. Haven’t we been barraged with studies about how women are attracted to men based on smell? They’re all just jealous, Scylla.

16

Your problem is simpler than you imagine o’ skunky one. You need to raise the temperature of your shower water to just before scalding and your sweat stink B.O. will go away after a week or so of vigorous (especially pits) scrubbing. Soaps do not matter, the water temperature is the key. The potent bacteria that causes your stink has embedded itself in your pores and needs to be killed with super hot scrub downs. You also need to get rid of your stunk up clothes and underwear as well, as they will re-stinkify at a a moments notice.

You’re welcome.

17

Ah – here’s the problem. Don’t you need a soul to smell good? :slight_smile:

Seriously, have you tried running in the mornings? I found aerobic activity did the trick for me. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but some how, a good healthy sweat removed that rank sweat action.

18

Ah, but Scylla is a runner. A big stinky warrior-runner! (He told us so :stuck_out_tongue: )

19

Listen buddy - stink all you fucking like, but no one knocks the digestives. 'Kay?

settles back to a nice cup of tea and a couple of McVities

20

I second.

She might very well be the Queen of Sheba.