I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t take drugs. I don’t have sex. And now my goddam doctor tells me my cholesterol—even with medication—is back up to Very Dangerous Levels, and I am not allowed to eat anything but sticks, twigs and moss. Ever. No ice cream, no pizza, no Chinese food, no cookies. I’ll be wishing for a good, swift heart attack after a month or so.
Anyone else unwillingly living a vice-free life? I’m such a bad girl to be living such a good, clean existence!
I eat like crap, drink like a fish and have lost my way to the gym. Consequently, I started getting these weird feelings in my chst over the last week. Heck Eve, I’m with ya. If you’ll be good on your diet this month, I’ll do the same. You’ve got a comiserator.
Just in here so I can make money selling T-Shirts to the impending long line of Dopers willing to help out with your current problem of:
But, see, it’s not a matter of “being good on my diet this month,” he says I can never eat these things again. Ever.
Drugs. I think I’ll take up drugs. Alcohol makes me throw up; I hate the smell of cigarettes, and the likelihood of my ever having sex again is nill. What drug shall I take up? I hear heroin is enjoyable. Maybe I could go down to the smoky hop joints in Chinatown and learn to kick the gong around.
How about clove cigarettes? You could go to all the trendy coffee shops and hang out with the drama students, smoking cloves and drinking coffee (black, no sugar) until all hours of the night debating the use of shadow and silence in the movies of the 30’s and 40’s. Oh, and you’d have to wear black, too.
“I Waited in Line All Day to Restore Eve to Her Vices and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”
I don’t smoke, but I enjoy puffing on a nice cigar every once in a while. Some of the flavored ones (cherry vanilla, honey) are rather tasty.
You would look SMASHING in an opium den, love.
[Adam Ant]
Don’t drink, don’t smoke. What do ya do?
[/Adam Ant]
. . . or maybe I could hang out at the corner drugstore and smoke cubeb cigarettes while reading the new issue of Snappy Stories.
Eve that is totally unfair, do you or your SO cook? There is definately ways to make Chinese food thet is very low in cholesterol (I know from when I was getting over pancreatitis, and had to be on a ~0 cholesterol diet). Sorbet can be made Cholesterol free, if you havn’t got one get an electric ice cream maker, a sorbet of Lemon and Lime Juice, water, sugar, and crystalised stem ginger is fantastic in hot summer weather. Be wary of bought Sorbets though as some contain egg and probably contain some cholesterol.
Best of luck, Bippy.
I believe that crack whoredom is in your future. You’ll get sex AND drugs.
Damn, that sounds awfully attractive - I think I’ll become a crack whore as well.
I hear the pot is nice this time of year…
Have you considered getting a second opinion?
What fun is there in getting second opinions?
Oh, you mean…
Don’t I already have enough in common with Cartman’s mom?
Forget taking up drugs, I really think I’d focus on the sex. haha
Umm, Eve? If you were ever in a German sheiza video, you’d tell us, right?
Enjoy,
Steven
Eve! Eve! Don’t you know that celibacy is the number one cause of high cholestrol?!?!?
Geez woman! You want to kill yourself, fine. Just don’t do it around here!
Great. Now I gotta find myself a rent boy. Will my insurance cover this?
“Show me the way to the next pretty boy—oh, don’t ask why, oh, don’t ask why . . .”