I think you should turn into a kook to distract yourself. Let herbs take over your home like the dead neighbor in Rosemary’s Baby. Wrap a turban around your head and buy a Ouija board. Make voluminous lists of personal slights. Start thinking a lot about Vitamin C.
Or get a second opinion. It’s hard to believe that they won’t give you a reprieve - ever. Living in Manhattan and being relegated to a diet of kitty litter is just plain wrong.
<gasp of shock and horror> I feel your pain, Eve. I don’t drink, do drugs or have sex. (unfortunately) So the occasional oatmeal cookie is all the thrill I get in a normal day. I think you may just have to teach your doctor the meaning of law, if you know what I mean…
Not to pry, but why so pessimistic about ever having sex again? Shucks, surely you could get laid if you tried… 
And I second the second-opinion notion. And yeah, drugs…at least heavy drugs…probably not a great idea, although I doubt pot would hurt much.
Why not kidnap prostitutes, impregnate them, and sell their babies to lesbian couples?
Grab a couple of hundreds and get yourself a PS2 and some good games…then spend the rest of your days with your eyes glued to the TV and the controller being an extension of your hands…
Probably something like Vice City…
Somebody has to say this.
I’ve got the bizzare sword and cuirass made from recycled junk. I can take a train to the Big Apple, rent a horse and ride to the castle of fair Eve. There, I shall anounce my presence to everyone by singing Dulcinaya(rather poorly).
Once in the lady’s chambers, I shall valiantly pit my skill against her atheism. I will make her joyously cry out God’s name again and again and again.
When I try to picture Eve using drugs, I can only see her in an opium den, elegantly stretched out on a chinese rug.
To channel all the frustration, why not take up a bit job writing for the Weekly World News.
Under an alias, naturally.
Too late . . .
And masonite," there are two kinds of people in this world: my kind, and assholes."
My mother and I were discussing what kind of drugs I might take up. “What about the stuff you put on the mirror and sniff, dear?” she asked. Nope, that keeps you awake. I’m thinking heroin—but does it come in a pill? I hate needles.
“I shall valiantly pit my skill against her atheism.”
—Puh-lease, Doc, puh-lease!
ISTR that exercise is good for reducing cholesterol.
Now take a good look at those vices, Eve. Which among them includes aerobic exercise?
That’s right, the most deadly vice of all.
LADIES’ AMATEUR BOXING. Gambling and senseless violence!
Hey, put the bats down!
You COULD sue “Time” for their comments about Jean Harlow in last week’s issue.
What what what?
What comments? Spill, quick!
Oh look! I found a shot of Eve in the opium den! (scroll down, she’s on the left)
If you need any recipes for that soy chicken (mmmm…soy chicken) let me know. And you can always snort the horse.
And I was worried my comments would be too sexually explicit and offensive.
Apparently, my double entendre wasn’t as clear as I thought.
“If you really want to, sir, but most of us just ride it into town!”
So, Gov., what did Time say about Jean?!
Well, I don’t have the copy of “Time” in front of me, but, from what I recall, it was a blurb in their back-page section about plans to cast Gwen Stefani as Harlow in a planned Howard Hughes biopic.
“She looks good, and probably can’t act. She’d be perfect.”
(Sorry about how late this is, but I was off my computer until a few minutes ago.)
Correction. I now have the copy of “Time” with the comments in it.
Turn to pg. 79 in the June 16th issue.
Quoting “Time” directly:
“Stefani is blond, she’s brassy, she probably can’t act… basically, she’s perfect”
So, interested in my proposal at all?
I find it offensive when anybody tries to force their beliefs on others. I would never do such a thing.
My offer was not to visit Eve and witness at her. I'm posting a second explanation just to make this clear.
I was simply offering to rip off her gown and ravish her thoroughly.
I knew I should have ended that first post "and afterwards, we can cuddle."Idiot Time writer . . . Bet he’s never even seen a Jean Harlow film!
Doc, if you are planning to rip off my gown, you know you will have to buy me a new one? And I have very expensive tastes . . .
Best of all, Eve, because that particular article wasn’t given a writer credit, legally, it can be assumed to be the opinion of “Time”, giving merit for, if not a lawsuit, at least an angry “letter to the editor”.