The latest assessment essay gems

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
161

Got a few more today… and I totally want the student who wrote the third bit to enroll in one of my classes.

I will expose regret for the liar it is.
Animals are not just animals. They are human beings just like us.
Everyone needs someone good with cars, has basic survival knowledge, or knows how to play the ukulele. So I will continue my happy life of being a jack of all trades and master of none. And heck, if none of it gets me a job, at least I will know enough to have a chance at surviving a zombie outbreak. I hear zombies hate the ukulele.

162

I agree with you about that third kid; you need a semester of him! Maybe he’ll play the ukulele for you.

And thanks for continuing this thread. It makes me remember how glad I am not to be teaching any more.

163

I LOVE these. Zombies do hate the ukulele. I have it on the very best authority; the undead are terrified of tiny guitars.

And the first one. …Well now i am pondering the ways regret lies to us. Regret makes us think “if only” would have resulted in some rosy ending but that is a LIE. just like the cake. The regret is a lie.

164

The third kid should be teaching ESL, not being graded on it.

165

I kinda like this -

166

I know what the kid is trying to say, but this still amuses me way more then is reasonable.

167

I would have said “wombat”. Squirrels are to small too share well.

168

Haha, I always enjoy this thread. :slight_smile:

169

American History from a Zenga Tower (little blocks from different areas).

Well, I think that covers the spectrum of life goals pretty much from A to Z…

This one made me chortle at work (holding back a laugh). Thing is, depending on the brother in question, it might even be accurate…
Just found this thread and my thanks, vivalostwages, it is one I will keep an eye on from now on. Priceless.

170

This sounds like a Doper sig. Whoever wrote it deserves an A in the course and a full-ride scholarship to Juilliard. Or the University of Hawaii, in the Don Ho School of Music.

Regards,
Shodan

171

I don’t know, EmilyG, it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of this more than us…:smiley:

172

nitpick: We score and place for ESL, remedial, and regular English.

slight hijack: We also flag essays whose writers show signs of what may be psychosis, suicidal ideation, threats, and more. :eek:

173

Oh, good grief, what does that look like? Besides the obvious, of course.

174

There’s your next thread right there. “Psychotic assessment gems.”

175

Untrue. I worked with Noman. He was kinda peninsula-shaped.

176

I just flagged one the other day. It was quite well written, but the guy said that when he got into the habit of smoking two or three bowls a day, he lost his “hideous and obese” wife and “retarded” kids. That wasn’t the problem, though. He had said at the start that voices in his head had been telling him to kill himself, and ended the essay by saying that he has to keep smoking bowls daily to prevent those voices from coming back.

I flagged another last year in which the fellow remarked that life kept dealing him one blow after another and there were some days when he just wanted to put a bullet in his brain.

We can’t force these folks to get help, but we can express concerns and direct them to our resources or refer them to such.

177

We also get A LOT of essays written by young women who have already been raped or molested.

178

You’ve been holding out on us!

179

Ukulele proficiency?

180

We also get the random “I’m too good to be here taking this stupid writing test/fuck the system/etc.” paragraphs.

If they’re completely off-topic (they were supposed to pick one of three prompts to write about), they have to retest.
If not, we can still evaluate the writing for its strengths or weaknesses regardless of the writer’s bitching.