The line to kiss my ass forms to the left

It has finally happened. The list of people who really need to kiss my ass has become large and unwieldy enough that an orderly queue the only way to guarantee an opportunity for everyone. If you could kindly form a single-file line to the left, you will be called when an opportunity to kiss my ass becomes available.

To the social worker who talked to me like a dog because I wasn’t moving fast enough on the discharge paperwork for her patient, in spite of the 21 patients on my list who have actual medical needs to be addressed: the line starts right over there.

To the patient’s daughter who needed me to come up to the floor late Saturday night so I could explain to her, as her other doctors had already done three times that day, why a serious infection like her mother has can cause changes in mental status, and why we don’t need to get Neurology to see her in the middle of the night: I empathize with your situation, and appreciate your concern for your mother. Now please get in line.

To the ER docs who called me at 4:00 AM on Sunday with two patients for me to work up, one of whom had been there since 7:00 the night before: back of the line.

To all the people (and my attending in particular) who bitch endlessly about the new Work Hours Rules that limit residents to thirty consecutive hours of working, whose gushing about the benefits of having residents work upwards of thirty hours in a row are rendered in exactly the same tone as an alcoholic’s whining about how he can drive just fine after a six-pack: from this point there is an estimated [30] minute wait to kiss my ass.

To the nurse who called me first thing Saturday morning to say, regarding the antibiotics that I had called in STAT the afternoon before, and had called back later to make sure they were being started, “Did you mean for him to get those antibiotics last night?”: Tell you what–next time, I’ll put a little star next to the orders that I really want done when I ask for them, and you can consider the rest of them to just be suggestions. Meanwhile, I think I’m going to want you to lick my bag, which requires a special appointment; please call the front desk to arrange a time in the next few days when it’s convenient for you.

To the printer in the office, which has decided to quit completely every day this week at about the time I’m trying to print out my patient list, check out, and go home: as an inanimate object, I guess I can’t really ask you to kiss my ass, but be warned–as another resident said, our “Office Space” moment is nigh. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

To the nurses who call me instead of my brilliant intern, Olga, with questions about her patients just because her Russian accent is a little hard to understand: just follow the velvet rope.

To Shit Boy, soon to be immortalized in a post all his own: right behind that gentleman over there.

To this weekend’s attending, who chose to round for four hours this morning on the new patients, leaving me almost no time to see my old patients and putting me an hour into violation of the aforementioned Work Hours Rules: just take a place in line for now. If, at the next resident-faculty meeting, you express wonder at why we just can’t seem to get our work done and get out on time, we’ll move you up, or perhaps squeeze you in for a bag-licking.

I know there are a lot of people who need to kiss my ass, but if we can all be cooperative and form an orderly line, everyone will have a chance in the most timely fashion possible. Thank you.

Yeah, they don’t pay you guys enough. :rolleyes:

DoctorJ. I empathize, and feel your pain and frustration. However. On behalf of your nurses, may I just say:

I was not put on this earth, much less this floor, to play translator to your intern. Bad enough I have to deal with your ego, and that of every other attending, resident, and intern who think that just because there’s an R.N. after my name instead of an M.D. I must know absolutely nothing about medicine, as well as the attitudes of EVERYONE YOU JUST LISTED as part of my daily duties (which, btw & thankyewsoverymuch exceed 12 hours, and WAY too many patients per R.N.), but I’m a wee bit busy trying to take care of your patients, decipher your godawful handwriting (stigmatism is no fun. Learn to print.), train new nurses who turn over faster than Florence Nightingale is spinning in her grave right now, trying to get those lazy assed orderlies to do ANYTHING but hang out Og knows where bs-ing and hitting on outpatients, making sure the linen is changed, iv’s are changed, vitals are taken, meds are distributed, signed off on, every flippin thing charted, and still try to maintain a halfway decent friendly attitude toward my patients. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really don’t have time to stand in line to kiss your ass. In fact, I don’t really have time to be telling you this. If you can run and stoop at the same time, you can kiss mine.

Pretty good. i give the rant a nine. It would have been an eight but I added a point for “lick my bag.”

I’m now curious about “shit boy.”

Ass kissing in one thing, but bag licking? Why would I want to lick your big black doctor’s bag? It’s full of nasty things that hurt when you stick them in people, and you lie and say you “You might feel a little prick” and then the world’s largest hornet has shoved his stinger right up your ass. And then you won’t give me more oxy like you’re doing me some huge fucking favor. Look junior I was getting cranked on sterno when you were in diapers. Now give me my meds! Give me my meds!!!

As the son of a fine, caring, hard-working, and grossly underappreciated Nurse Practitioner, who has literally stopped an MD from killing a patient, and nearly got fired for it (never got an apology, either, after being completely exonorated), may I please applaud?

And, you know how much Dr. J makes----how?

What would be a fair salary for him, in your opinion? :mad:

:slight_smile: Thanks, Loopydude. Your mom sounds like my kind of lady. NP’s get shit on even more than R.N.'s, IMO. They work every bit as hard as any physician, and still get no respect.

I am sure I have nothing to do with this rant but darn, that was a good one.

Now, should I get in front of the line? :smiley:

Your rolleyes smiley either indicates that you didn’t see that I’m a resident, or you don’t know what residents make.

Your rant is both noted and understood. I am generally the biggest champion that the nurses have among the residents, and I am lucky to work with the great bunch of nurses that I work with. That said, the only way to learn to take care of issues that arise on the floor is to actually get called with them, so it’s hard for my interns to learn when the nurses won’t call them. My intern’s English is very good, but she is new, and she does have a thick accent, which is neither the first nor the worst our hospital has seen. Working in a teaching hospital in July is a test of everyone’s patience.

The issue with the antibiotics was pure incompetence. I don’t have time to go back at night and make sure that every order I’ve given has been carried out. If someone misses a dose of his blood pressure medicine, I really don’t care. When someone has a serious infection and he sits there overnight without his antibiotics, I care a lot. The reality of life in the hospital is that some balls just can’t be dropped, and that is one of them. I don’t know the nurse in question, so I’m willing to think she was having a bad day.

All in all, please note that far more doctors were invited to kiss my ass than nurses. I don’t discriminate. :slight_smile:

I’m betting he makes a hell of a lot more than my mom ever did, yet I’d trust her with my life more than a lot of MDs I’ve known and even worked with. The highest level in the food chain has the least to bitch about, if you ask me. It gets rougher the lower you go.

What a load of bullshit. Just because nurses have it tough, means that doctors don’t? Just because doctors generally get paid a lot, that means they’ve got no right to complain?

Y’all are coming in and ruining a perfectly good rant. You want to complain about how tough nurses have it, start a different ass-kissing-and-bag-licking line.

He’s a resident. He gets paid shit. The RNs are making waaaay more than Dr. J right now.

Any NP who makes less than I do needs to find a new job.

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous–the idea that residents are somehow “the highest level in the food chain”, or the suggestion that we don’t have much to bitch about.

I worked 90 hours this week, capped off with a 31-hour shift ending today at 2:00 PM, during which I had about one hour to rest. I have a list of 22 patients, many of whom are complicated or difficult, and an attending who gets pissed off when I don’t have all of their labs and all of their meds in my head available for retrieval when she wants them. Meanwhile, I have to listen to attendings who whine that back in the day, when men were men and so were women, they worked 180 hours every week (they brought their wives in to work twelve extra hours for them), they never slept, they never ate, and when they finally did go home, they walked there, barefoot, through six feet of snow. Uphill, goddammit! And if you tally up my hours for the month and divide my salary by it, I’d be doing a hell of a lot better as the record store clerk that I fantasize about being in my darkest moments.

So you can roll your eyes straight up your ass as far as I’m concerned. Afterwards, I’d encourage you to get in line.

Perhaps the little prick you were hearing about wasn’t a needle?

Then someday he will get paid a lot of shit. And the nurses will not.

BTW, my brother-in-law just finished his residency. While he didn’t make a lot, he sure made a lot more in today’s dollars than my mom did when she started as an RN in yesterday’s.

I used to train Oncologists and Dermatologists in a past life as a lowly academic researcher. Some of these guys were making roughly ten times my mother’s salary, when you counted the fellowships.

Just sayin…

With all due respect to your mother, what do you consider a good salary? I’m an RN and although everyone would like to make more, I’m pretty happy with what I make. I’m curious as to what you think she should be paid.

I’m not sure she should be paid much more than she makes, quite frankly. And I don’t think she thinks so either. She has NEVER once complained to me about what she is paid. She has only complained about getting shat on. I know what she does, I know what her colleagues and co-workers do, I’ve got a good feel for the whole system (and been exposed to a fair amount of it professionally before I fled to industry), and, well, the rest of my attitude is obvious. I do have a lot of respect for all medical professionals who do their job well, but I will forever assert that there are some who have more cause to bitch than others, and that shit generally runs downhill.

What a load of crap. All of the nurses I know make bank. They get a damn nice starting wage, and then they get paid overtime on top of that. And I don’t begrudge them a bit of it since they deal with and do shit I would not want to have to put up with in my nightmares.

But to portray nurses as some group of people that struggles to get by on what they make, I have to laugh.

I can’t comment about North Carolina, but in Ontario a medical resident makes about $50K CDN per year, which translates into about $38K US. That may not sound too horrible, but when you consider that this is for someone working, say, ninety hours per week, Qadgop hit it right on the head. It is shite.

Using a typical sheme from ‘real world’ pay scales, let’s say the first 48 hours are paid at the base rate, the first 24 hours of overtime at time and half, and the remaining 18 hours at double-time, then you get an hourly rate (including benefits) of about six and half bucks an hour. This after about 3 or 4 years pre-med, 4 years medical school, and at least one year post medical school.