This won’t make any sense without reading Weirddave’s original post/newsflash here
THE MAN FROM D.I.L.E.
<'60s idea of an ultra-modern phone (incogruously it still has a dial) begins to ring in a darkened room. A hand from off camera right fumbles for it.>
Voice (off stage right): Hmmufpwasit?
Voiceover: Mr. Feltch, you’re needed!
<begin snappy theme music as opening credits roll. We should see Mr. Feltch wake up, roll out of bed. Drag a comb…no, just kidding…but we do see him shower and put on both his Tug-Ahoy and his D.I.L.E. (he’s clearly a belt and suspenders man! He snags a cup of coffee from his long suffering maid, Grizelda and hops into a Astin-Martin. He pulls up at an “Adult” bookstore, opens a secret door and, after going through a maze of hallways and ID devices (one measures his penis) ala Get Smart, he arrives in the Head’s office at D.I.L.E. hq as the theme music ends>
The Head: Mr. Feltch, I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here today?
Mr. Feltch <archly>: The though had crossed my mind.
The Head: Our arch-enemies are active again! Fomenting war and terror, mutilating babies, killing bunnies.
Mr. Feltch: You mean…
The Head: Yes. S.N.I.P. is back. And they’ve kidnapped a scientist, Professor Klip and his infant son! He was once an avid supporter of S.N.I.P. and joined them in their nefarious plots. But after his son was born, he realized how evil his research was! He burned his notes and came over to our side of the condom. But S.N.I.P. won’t rest until they get him as he’s the only man alive with the information they need to build the…CIRCUMCIZEINATOR! a beam-weapon capable of circumcizing every man in a large city! At ONCE!
They intend to put hundreds of these in orbit so that every man alive will be circumcized. Sometimes more than once!
Mr Feltch: My GOD!
The Head: You’ll start your investigation by talking with Cutie Klip, Professor Klip’s daughter and asssistant. She was the last person to see the Professor.
Now go talk to Pee. He has some new devices for you.
<cut to…forgive me…switch to Mr. Feltch in a laboratory talking to Pee. Pee is a balding man, who, for some reason, wears a turtleneck with the neck stretched up to eye level.>
Pee: Zo. Mr. Feltch. Vill you des-TROY my toyz again? My preciouz, preciouz toyz? Or vill you brink zem BAK to me zis time?
Mr. Feltch (sounding Shatner-esque): I’ll try to bring them back, Pee, but if the ONLY way I can stop S.N.I.P. is to DESTROY some TOYS, then I’m WILLING to DESTROY EVERY toy in the WORLD!
Pee: I underztant. Here ve are haffing ze Dilubricator. It iz a dildo zat can zquirt lubricant. Zhould be goot if you get in a chaze. Ve also haff ze Condom of Zilence vich, if placed over you and anozer perzon vill allow you comPLETE privazy! Nozzink can zpy on you! I altzo haff a little deFVICE zat I call Ze BenWa Bola: you zrow…throw it at your enemiz and it vill wrrrrap itzelf around zeir…organs. Ze BenWa ballz vill beat zeir organs zenseless. Zat should zlow zomeone down! Zere are zeveral ozzer toys in zis zuitcaze, Feltch, try to bring a leazt zome of zem back!
Mr. Feltch (not unkindly): I’ll try. Thanks Pee.
< Feltch turns to leave >
Pee: And, Feltch? Take care ov yourzelf, eh?
<commercial break>
Fenris