In a better, fairer world, I could make a movie about my dog having a shit on the back lawn and make $24 million at the box office in one weekend. It would also be much more entertaining and much less annoying to watch than this drivel. But this is not the MAGA-influenced reality in which we currently must exist.
Don’t know if it’s been posted yet, but someone made an AI mockup of what the Melania movie should have been. Take it for what it is:
Just as soon as I figure out what it is, I’ll take it for that.
That was hilarious. And scary. Scary in lots of ways.
I love the correction The Guardian issued for their review (Which I learned about from last weekend’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me):
The star rating for this film was corrected on 2 February 2026. A formatting issue led an earlier version to be awarded one star, when the reviewer’s intention was zero.
My eyes were drawn to the exit sign, the most interesting thing.
I think everyone is missing the point. This movie is an allegory about power and its corrupting influence. Melania is meant to represent God, who makes small adjustments and helps the world work at a fundamental level (represented by table settings and choices of decor), but does not interfere in the actions and free will of human beings. God is basically helpless to have a direct impact on human affairs after the original Creation. The theology expressed is quite profound.
If only I was 19 YO, back in college, needed to write a paper for American Film 101, and had some good weed.
Forcing Service Members to watch this insipid movie does not shout “warrior” to me.
We are letting the meanest idiots run the fucking world.
I think the movie is a meta-commentary on art and politics. It is the equivalent of duck taping a banana to a wall and calling it art (Melania is the banana, and she is decaying). Or like hanging an empty frame in a gallery. It’s a brilliant piece of conceptual art, reflecting back whatever the viewer puts in. The millions spent to make the film is an essential part of its inherent absurdity.
The fact that the film is also an overt and public bribe to trump is a meta-meta-commentary.
I’d at least pass you, with counseling about how that weed was not that good.
Yeah really. Can’t really see Hegseth thinking this was worth it.
Sounds like an accurate portrayal of her, then.
And we know what attracts flies.
That’s funny! I guess by some review standards, a one-star rating is the lowest that can be given. Others appear to be more flexible, offering a zero-star option! 
Fortunately for Melania and the Orange One, they’re so ineffably stupid that they have no shame. They’re probably quite proud of this movie, and their sycophants are telling them how incredibly well it’s doing! I’m certain that next year Trump will be excoriating AMPAA for not giving it a “Best Documentary” Oscar!
True at first glance. But on further thought …
Mission One is loyalty to Dear Leader. Mission two is being warlike.
Mission about #12 is actually being a competent military. DoD certainly was before trump’s first term, but the rot has spread quite aways and all the measures of merit in use today are in the direction of further rot, not better functioning as a war-fighting machine.
No matter how much bellicose bluster comes from the top, when everyone on down the line is a brown-nosing loser graded solely on brown nosing, well your entire service is a loser. trump really is trying to remake the USA in Russia’s image. Right down to copying the fine nature of their half-assed, but very large, military.
Bottom line:
Forcing the DoD rank and file to watch Melania is totally an exercise in loyaty testing and loyalty promoting.
“Sir, I can safely say it’s getting ratings no one has ever seen before!”
You could have stopped right there.
Next year? He’ll whinge about it this year. “You knew it was coming and should have made an exception! Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Melania is 26 or 75 million dollar bribe, depending upon how you count it. The movie gives MAGA and various members of the armed forces (coerced or otherwise) an opportunity to participate in the corruption.
Heh. I can’t help but think of Dopers who have argued over the years that in order to understand a film, you had to have actually seen it. Any takers?
I’m afraid I will never, ever understand the film Melania. 