The #MeToo movement claims another scalp

LONDON - Controversy has been roiling the MI6 Intelligence Service after news broke of sexual misconduct allegations against a top agent named James Bond. The agent, who also goes by the name 007, stands accused of harassing dozens of women over the course of 55 years.

The allegations began last Thursday when Tiffany Case, a former diamond importer, reported a series of incidents involving Bond over the course of several weeks. According to Case, Bond repeatedly made suggestive comment about her appearance, broke into her hotel room, then later ran his hand along her backside and stuffed a cassette tape into her bikini bottom.

Bond has denied the allegations. “I remember the sequence of events very differently,” he said in a statement on Friday. He then added that in his recollection, Case’s employer was involved in an attempt to build a super-laser and take over the world, forcing the two into a necessary professional relationship.

After Case’s allegations became public, other women began coming forward with similar stories of harassment and abuse. On Saturday, Kissy Suzuki, a government employee in Japan, claimed that Bond repeatedly chased her through subway tunnels and pressured her into an unwanted sexual relationship by suggesting that it was necessary in order to stop a nuclear war.

Common threads appear throughout many of the stories that women are now bringing forward. Bond often brought women to isolated locations, such as airplanes, private Caribbean beaches, life rafts in the middle of the ocean, ski slopes, cable cars, uranium mines, or the top of the Golden Gate Bridge. He frequently offered them alcoholic beverages or attempted to impress them with various gadgets concealed in his clothing and business supplies. Many women report that Bond made unwanted advances and continued to pressure them after they had signaled unwillingness with their words or body language.

Women who were facing Bond’s advances often received little support from their employers. Pussy Galore, a pilot and leader of an all-female flight squad in the employ of international trading magnate Auric Goldfinger, says that Bond made aggressive sexual comments towards her while on an airplane flight and then assaulted her on a horse farm owned by her employer. She says that Goldfinger encouraged Bond’s behavior and refused to investigate allegations of harassment.

Bond’s long career has seen controversy before. He has earlier been implicated with involvement in the destruction of privately owned volcanoes and ice palaces and has been charged with reckless endangerment and failure to return stolen property.

The head of MI6, M, held a press conference to address the allegations. “We are conducting a thorough investigation of all of the allegations made against Mr. Bond”, she said on Monday. “We take this matter very seriously and have relieved Mr. Bond of his duty to investigate corporate villains plotting world domination until further notice.”

His role in the death of Jill Masterson is also being re-examined. It’s reported that when the romance went sour, he was heard to refer to her as " a real gold-plated bitch."

Four Stars!

The alcohol is especially problematic. If he was drugging these women, then any sexual activity could never be considered consensual.

Investigators were looking for Corinne Dufour, but were unable to locate her. A body was found matching her description on the estate of the late Hugo Drax, but positive identification was impossible. Reports of Bond being on the site before her disappearance have not been confirmed, nor have the whereabouts of numerous Drax employees who might corroborate events.

That’s clearly satire; Bond would’ve referred to the “schequensche of eventsch”.

Too soon. There are plenty of dumbfucks who want to believe that all the men being accused are big heroes and all the women accusers are gold-digging or vengeance-driven. For them, this thread just reinforces those ideas.

Zero out of ten. You should have picked a ridiculous character like Kermit the Frog.

Who stirred your martini?

LONDON - Controversy has been roiling the MI6 Intelligence Service after news broke of sexual misconduct allegations against a top agent named Kermit the Frog.

Please. Anyone named Octopussy or Onnatopp is obviously asking for it.

Was she asking for it?

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Was she asking for it?

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I didn’t mention her.

^ I know.

Kermit T. Frog entered a counter-claim against an agent “M. Piggy”. Mr. Frog claims the agent made aggressive sexual advances towards him while on the job, and that she created a hostile work environment. She also tried to hog the limelight from him on several occasions.

Nobody’s trivializing this rapist’s well-documented history of abuse. Bond’s proclivity for dangerous women and exotic out-of-the-way locales have always been used as a pretext to excuse him from observing the protocol that’s always been in place for a temporary injunction suspending these agents’ license to kill. Bond needs to finally understand that the power dynamic is otherwise so lop-sided that even purported consent becomes meaningless.

As an aside, the Miss Piggy example brings to mind another sad porcine incident.

Wow, when was that routine from?