Would it make more sense for your wife to single out the teenager kid and try to teach HIM how to cook? Seems like some (not all of course) teenage boys are interested in learning how to cook because they dream of moving out someday, potentially impressing the chicks, and of course, they like to eat mass quantities of tasty food.
So these people are supporting their own four children, have taken in an extra, and a grandparent, apparently. They both work to do so. And your wife (who doesn’t work) finds fault with their standards. She needs to rethink her position.
I would be angry about the stew, though.
StG
Bingo, put your finger right on it.
This was more about my need to rant a bit than any search for answers. There really are no answers because there was no question posed. It is interesting to see the varieties of responses, from supportive to “what’s the big deal” sort of replies.
I saw enough deviance, inadequate parenting and dysfunctional families in my career to fill up a book or two and this family by far is not even close to being reportable. They are just a messy family, doing their best, succeeding some here, doing less than stellar there. My wife’s angst is genuine and has more to do with her sense of powerlessness in the situation than anything else. She is a take-charge kind of woman and this situation drives her nuts - but she understands her limits and the social and legal boundaries.
The family is very grateful and appreciative to my wife for her efforts, even if they don’t seem inclined to change their ways. At least there is no physical violence in the home and the parents seem to be able to maintain their cool instead of blowing up like some do.
I’ve seen far, far worse than this in my day so this is not really a surprise to me. Dealing with my wife’s feelings about this, given her culture and evolving adaptations to the USA, have been the most challenging part of it for me. Part of me wants to say “ehh, so what?” but I also appreciate that my wife’s motherly instincts are aroused so I cannot find it in me to fault her, only to try to help her keep herself grounded.
That some of us think of such conditions as “normal” is perhaps worth a thread of its own, another time.
My wife’s not the family cook for these folks, she’s only the sitter for the twin toddlers and part of the deal with their mom is that some afternoons my wife brings in a healthy meal for the twins while the rest of the family eats its usual fare of junk food and takeout.
I don’t really have any advice to offer. But I’d like to say “good on ya” to your wife, for trying.
Even if things aren’t perfect next door, there’s no doubt in my mind that your wife is doing a good thing by helping. Babies are eating good nutritious meals that they wouldn’t otherwise be getting. (Cold milk and a candy bar, for a baby? seriously? I shudder, but I digress.)
You never how much of her input might actually be getting absorbed and filed away for future use, when she’s not around to help out any more.
Maybe your wife would be a lot happier if she got a foster child to take care of. She sounds like she really wants to take care of someone and there are loads of children who could use a really good parent.
Ah, okay. I misunderstood the arrangement, and thought that the afternoon meal was one of those neighborly extras, like trading zucchini and tomatoes over the back fence. If it’s part of the work arrangement, I’d be pissed at Grandma for eating the babies’ meal too. (But I still think it’s a bit odd to arrange healthy meals for only 40% of the children…)
I wouldn’t be particularly worried if a 15-month-old toddler doesn’t use a spoon yet, and even if they did, then there often isn’t much difference when eating soup.
That is too bad that the parents aren’t concerned about nutrition, though, and I suspect the kids will suffer for that over the long run. If the grandmother also never cooked, then it’s pretty obvious where the meal planning came in.
Yep, the whole arrangement is sort of seat of the pants but everyone seems pretty pleased with how it is turning out. The twins are thriving and the other kids eat pretty much what they want anyway. My wife is not interested in being a mom and cook to 5 kids (she’s already the home-care worker for her own mom and for another handicapped woman, both significant part-time jobs in their own right) and the toddlers clearly have the greatest needs.
At that, I had to laugh when someone posted that my wife “who doesn’t work” should bla bla bla. She works harder than any two other people I know, and for less pay. She doesn’t “rant and rave” about this stuff and I pretty much agree with her feelings. But as we all know, there’s little to be done beyond what we are already doing for this family. I just thought it was interesting enough to post about and let people comment on.
I’m sure you have enough sense not to need this, but I just feel like saying it:
Please do not call CPS. If you think you must, have the guts to tell your neighbors you are doing it so they can sue you if you happen to make anything resembling a false allegation, and harass you and make your life miserable the way you would be doing to theirs. I haven’t seen anything in this thread that indicates that these children are even remotely abused, neglected, nor the concern of the government.
Some people are just fixers. It’s related to control, I think. I’m not a therapist or anything, but my mom is a fixer. She likes to take on little projects (in the form of what she perceives as other people’s problems) that have nothing to do with her, and fix them. I kinda wish she’d just become a plumber or something. Then she wouldn’t have to create problems to fix, she could fix actual problems!
Anyway, maybe your wife has a similar outlook. Once this family moves away, don’t be surprised if she tries to fix another neighbor. This kind of attitude (regardless of the receptivity of her target) makes a fixer feel like she’s doing something worthwhile. As long as it’s not causing actual harm, it’s not that big a deal. But of course, it can be quite annoying if she decides to fix something about you.
Good on your wife, she sounds like a keeper.
I think some of the above reactions/quasi-criticisms about your wife’s concerns, lack generosity of spirit. Too much analysis of a simple situation.
This is a family at the low end, almost neglectful. Lack of education, role models whatever, they don’t understand basic love and nurturing - probably never experienced it themselves. Not bad people, just limited.
Your wife sees this, tries to help, and her efforts disappear into a black hole. The grandmother eating the children’s food exemplifies the hopelessness.
Still, its funny how kindness sows its seeds and over time some of that family are going to absorb good lessons. Sometimes that is the best you can hope for - don’t get mad and don’t give up. 
In some homes, cleanliness is next to godliness. Arbritary, random and not often seen.
When I was growing up, my mother was not a good house keeper. The house was never unsanitary but it was always messy. Other than that she was a great mom but we had neighbors who liked to poke their noses where it didn’t belong and call CPS over the clutter and such. The funny thing is, they decided that not only was there no reason to take us away from our parents but that they had the funds to help us get some things we sorely needed to help deal with the clutter.
I guess my point is that sometimes false allegations to CPS can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.
@Tripolar, @ThreadPirateRoberts: Thanks for your observations. My previous career trained me to know what is CPS case material or not; this family, for all its quirks and imperfections, has done nothing to merit being put on report for.
Puppies are way cheaper and just as rewarding.
Can your wife find another family to look after, to spread her energy around? She can find one where her efforts don’t disappear in a black hole. She will also have onother opportunity lined up when this family moves away. She might even be appreciated more by the neighbours if they know they can’t take her for granted anymore.
And yoru wife should tell the grandmother (in a kind and careful way) how it made her feel when she had eaten the toddlers food. Normally she shouldn’t, but in this case it might prevent future similar things from happening.
Just thought of something else though (yes, this is where I offer advice after you said you’re just looking to vent. 
)
How elderly is the grandmother? Does she have health issues? It might be possible to get a housekeeper through Catholic Charities or something similar. Most states and even some large cities/counties have a Department of Aging which can help coordinate senior services, including things like Meals on Wheels, housekeeping, etc. Perhaps a pamphlet discretely left on the dining room table might be a way to let them know there’s help available without involving The Authorities.
http://www.sdcounty.ca.gov/hhsa/programs/ais/about_ais/index.html
I haven’t been a parent that long, but one thing I’ve realized already is that no one parents exactly the same and although it may be frustrating to watch others parent in a way that you believe will screw up their kids, there’s not much you can do about it. I can relate a bit to the messy house issue. We have a messy house. We both work full-time and after we come home and make and eat dinner, we want to spend time with our daughter. After she goes to bed there’s a little time left in the day and we’re exhausted and just want a little bit of time to ourselves, so…it’s easy to let things go. I do think it’s sad that they’re not even attempting to feed their children healthy foods and sit and watch TV when they could be spending time with their kids. I’m happy they’re getting the attention and nutrition from your wife.
Another idea: it is time consuming for your wife to cook for everyone.
But how if she went over to cook at the neighbours house? It is very hard to have someone in your home cooking for you and NOT get up from the couch to ask if you can help peeling potatoes and dicing tomatoes.
Your wife could get help during the cooking, she could install a cooking habit in the neighbours family’s house, AND the quantities she cooks can be so large that she can freeze enough for several meals for everyone to eat, not just the toddlers.
I speak from experience. I often have no energy for chores. But sometimes I take the morning off work when my housecleaner comes by, because I know that I can’t sit down while she is cleaning the house. I would just be too ashamed. So while she cleans, I clear out the garage or do yardwork or some other chore, that needs doing and keeps me out of her way.