How do I let my wife know I don't find her stupid, just her birth culture?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m sure this post will just give ammo to people, or be seen as a joke or something.

Context my wife is from Trinidad, we live here. I think a news article can get across the nonsense in the area she grew up better than I can.

www.trinidadexpress.com/news/_Jumbies__at_Moruga_Sec-134188973.html

Yea get it? A school is closed due to infectious evil spirits, nuf said.

We laughed about this since we met, belief in obeah AKA voodoo is prevalent among the general public. When discussing the concept of “sweat rice”, where a woman does some kind ritual and then squats over food such as rice and crotch sweats into it to turn a man who eats it into her slave I expressed interest in testing this scientifically, my wife said I am not squatting over rice no matter how kinky you find it. :smiley: We both found great amusement in laughing over local beliefs.

Then we had a kid, and he is severely autistic. This hit my wife hard mostly because of other people. When a woman among many approached us on the street and told us he has a jumbie on him and we can get rid of it by beating him with a specific bush and then immersing him in the ocean, once she was gone I was like har funny. My wife was going hah yea so my son makes people think he has a demon.:o

I got the feeling even if she doesn’t believe in jumbies, it bothered her a stranger would think that. To me it is totally irrelevant what someone who believes in evil spirits thinks.

I get the sense she thinks I think badly of her because I don’t care what anyone thinks here, or laugh at their idea of the world. But of course I don’t, I never take criticism of the USA personally or think it is aimed at me personally.

But when it comes to social issues or complex empathy I am useless because I assume others think like me mostly and evidence says they don’t. I get the feeling she does care what others think, unlike me.

It is to the point she doesn’t want to go in public with our son because of societal dissapproval, while I couldn’t care less what people here think(to be honest I wouldn’t care what people where I grew up think either) and all I care about is the enjoyment of the three of us. Which is why my wife’s depression over this bugs me.
She has even said she thinks I think negatively of her even though I don’t say it, but I don’t. She is attributing more to my thoughts than I experience.

I tell her straight up what I think and feel, but I don’t know how to make her believe it or know how to show her I care what she thinks but not the people she grew up among.

2

I think you have to make a special exception for religious belief, as opposed to other things it is easier to dismiss as “stupid”. We generally give people a pass on beliefs that involve religion.

People seem to come built with a special ability to trust what those around them in early childhood teach them, which is mostly good as it accelerates learning, but which propels religion. Your wife and you are so different this way because you came out of different religious traditions, not because the people of her original culture are stupid. I think you have to hunt for a different mental model of the problem before you’re going to be satisfied with a solution.

3

You could try showing her your post.** I** find it believable.

I find that in my conversations with my wife, consistency and yes, sometimes repetition will help her to understand and believe when she doubts.

Good luck

4

It is her culture. Unfortunately, she may be better at correctly interpreting how strangers think and feel about your son than you are. Meaning many people likely do think he’s possessed by a demon.

The question becomes, what do you do about it? You’re not going to change their minds. He’s not going to change their minds. At some point, this will all matter to him very much. He’s in for a world of hurt.

Candidly, my suggestion would be moving to a more supportive environment. Raising an autistic child is hard enough without having to deal with demonic possession angst.

In the meantime, all you can do is keep telling her that you know she doesn’t feel that way.

Good luck.

5

I can poke fun at my brother and be really mean to him, but as soon as anyone else does the same, I will jump to his defense. You’re in the same situation here.

Why is it so important to you that your wife knows and understands that you think her birth culture is stupid?

Could you make it less about the culture and more about the specific situations? So instead of talking about how silly it is that people from a certain culture believe in something, say how silly it was that that particular person believes in it.

6

You don’t have to emphathize/sympathize with someone to validate their feelings.

It’s completely understandable why your wife is bothered. Most people want to be liked. Living with stigma is hard. And she’s not only thinking about herself, but your kid.

Can I ask why you choose to live in a place where your son is at such a disadvantage? What is the benefit of him living in a society where he’s likened to a demon?

7

I’m not sure how or why you would expect you can denigrate her/son’s culture without it damaging your relationship with them? How would you feel were the situation reversed? Do you honestly believe you’d be circumspect enough to separate continued contempt for your culture from contempt for you—clearly a product of that culture? Yes, yes, we are all openly contemptuous of pieces of our own culture. But your contempt for this culture is pretty broad and overt based on what you post here.

I think the real depth of the cultural bias your son will face and it’s implications for him (and her!) are beginning to hit her hard. This would be a hard cultural taboo to rise above for a native, non autistic child. It will be nigh impossible for your child, I should think. And I suspect his Mom is realizing she’ll never be able to protect him from all that he will surely face.

It’s all well and good to be educated and evolved enough to know there were no demons involved in your child’s autism, but that culture also has a deeply rooted belif that a disabled child is a manifestation of some evil/demon present in the family that produces such a child. She’s realizing, though she knows and believes otherwise, that she will be continually judged so possibly.

Perhaps the life long ramifications for all three of you, choosing to raise this child, in this culture are simple coming home to her and weighing heavily upon her. In a kind of, “Suddenly I can see how it’s going to be for us, for likely all of our lives!” way?

If it’s not too impertinent a question, may I ask, why have you chosen a culture so very challenging, not to say outright damaging, for a disabled child, to raise your child in? Especially since it’s clear you have some serious issues with the culture yourself. How are you convincing yourself you can build a happy family for yourselves there? As an American you surely have choices, I should think.

8

Many people can’t just up and move because they feel like it. Even Americans. :wink:

9

AIUI, she already knows and understands this - but the problem is that she believes that it extends to him thinking she is also stupid. He wants her to understand this his opinion of her birth culture does not extend to her personally.

10

Well to be honest there are also some cultures when they have a child with a disability, will basically make the child disappear. They see the child as defective and will just have another. Maybe sending them back to their home country and putting them in an orphanage or something.

Even talk to some American families and there will be some whispered stories about a child long ago who suddenly had an accident or something but nobody talks of them again.

11

Or she’s afraid that, no matter what you and she think, your son will be affected negatively by the weight of repeated disapproval from others if she takes him around in public.

That’s where I have to prod you, grude, on the way you’re approaching this problem. You’ve told us how you feel about strangers’ opinions, and you’ve speculated about how she feels, but those aren’t the real issues here.

The question you need to be discussing with her is, what’s best for your son?

12

There is another aspect to this, too. She has to deal with the disapproval of other folks, not just for having a “possessed” kid (that’s not her fault), but for not “taking care of it” by immediately doing whatever bullshit ritual the amateur witch-doctors prescribe. Because obviously, she’s letting her kid stay possessed by evil spirits. What kind of horrible mother is that? :smack:

It takes a kind of cynical stubbornness to completely ignore the irrational disapproval of people who share your culture and community. Like many other primates, we’re tribal, and deliberately resisting the “wisdom” of your tribe has unavoidable costs.

ETA: to put it into terms others of us may recognize, think of the opprobrium and disdain anti-vaxers get among anyone with a brain (for instance, most folks here.) Now turn it around: your wife is an anti-vaxer in the context of that society’s world-view. That’s probably what she has to deal with, and the comfort of being objectively right is pretty cold comfort indeed.

13

You know, I’ve read some of the OP posts before and saw him get steamrolled; the tadpoles come to mind. I just want to say to those that have responded how wonderful it is to see relatively balanced and actually useful posts this time around. Kudos to you all.

Grude, I feel for you but short of moving away I really don’t see how things will change, because you’re damned if you do (following the precepts of obeah) and damned if you don’t( following valid therapies and getting socially ostracized).

The only advice I can offer is that no one responds well to being called stupid, especially for their beliefs, culturally or otherwise.

14

This is true, and it is largely because religious and superstitious beliefs do not stand up to critical examination. People who hold these beliefs mostly do so based on childhood indoctrination, and/or emotional appeal.

The childhood indoctrination goes well beyond a few beliefs. It is a whole system, a way of making sense of the world: God has a plan for me. God will send me my soul mate. If I am righteous I will be rewarded. Evil is lurking and looking for an opportunity to corrupt me. Wicked people will suffer for eternity…etc.

It is difficult even for people who have seen the light of reason to shed the associated feelings. Fear of hell, or possession, or the evil eye is often the last to fall. Deeply ingrained fear jumps around all higher reasoning and drives and automatic response. I’ve seen a grown man jump and scream out loud when I showed him a phone video of a rattle snake. He KNOWS a phone is no threat. Knowing doesn’t quiet the panic.

15

The area we are in is predominately christian, these beliefs seem to be cultural not religious.

My wife’s family and her were lets say soft atheists, they did not use that label but I never saw any evidence of religious belief or practice. My wife has never gone to church aside from weddings and funerals.

My parents weren’t religious either, I think maybe my mom might have claimed to believe in god but that was the limit. Can’t recall my father ever expressing any religious sentiment, and I was an atheist from a young age because I found it illogical heh.

So thats the thing we aren’t different at the core.

I feel kind of like wait what, because we both knew each other were atheists and found local beliefs laughable. Until now it matters to her what other people think.

And to be clear I don’t tell people their beliefs are stupid, thats just my private opinion.

My wife was way more merciless mocking people, I was indifferent mostly.

16

I don’t feel the need to share my thoughts on religion or anything with the public, I don’t even care about trolling or opposing religious beliefs or otherwise. Hell I’ll attend religious services out of curiosity or to be nice, I’m not going to invest effort into it but I’m indifferent.

I don’t go around being a trolling ass is what I mean, if someone tells me my kid has a demon I’m just like ok thanks. I also feel no need to antagonize people, BUT I’'m not going out of my way to please them either or altering my life.

EDIT:I once saw on local media a British artist who said she came here originally and then was stuck because she had no money for a plane ticket home, she said she got a pet vulture and walks around with it and people do the sign of the cross at her and claim she has a jumbie, she laughed and said she likes harassing local people this way. I’m not like that.

17

There are small christian sects? locally that embrace obeah and work it into their services, I think one is called shouter baptists. These are a minority though, they sometimes annoy people by doing rituals on a public sidewalk and burning stuff on the sidewalk.

The rest of christians both reject these beliefs harshly, and then secretly in a hush hush tone endorse them and think they have truth and power. It is contradictory and confusing. So obeah is nonsense and evil, and real and powerful.:confused:

Honestly this contradictory and confusing thing extends to social rules and norms here, I no longer even bother to try and understand it. Its a really conservative and stratified society.

18

This sort of idiocy is hardly confined to your wife’s culture.

19

Man, I don’t have any personal experience here, but I can see how this could be a hard situation to be in. If I were in your position I would emphasize (over and over) to my wife that our relationship with each other and our son is paramount. It sounds like you are the rock in the relationship and she is going to need your help more than you will need hers. Have you looked into any support groups that you could attend as a family?

I’m curious if you feel that your son could be in danger? Zealots can be a dangerous bunch.

Good luck with this. I hope the best for you, your wife, and your son.

20

Man, if we could have gotten school shut down by pretending to be possessed, that would have ruled.