I was talking to my oldest daughter about the Catholic school she goes to, and about religion in general. She was asking me about my childhood in which I was raised in both Catholic and Southern Baptist traditions (Catholic father and Catholic schools, Baptist mother and Baptist sunday schools). Under a lot of questioning, I admitted to her that I was now an atheist. I wasn’t supposed to tell her this yet (under an agreement with my wife), but I thought she had already figured it out or at least suspected. The second I told her, she burst into tears and ran upstairs to her room. My wife came out of our own bedroom and asked me what happened. When I told her, she was annoyed and told me the best solution would be for me to become a Catholic “like the rest of the family.” I told her she knew that wasn’t possible. My wife, in over 20 years, has never tried to convert me, and wasn’t really trying to do so now. She just wants me to pretend in order to make our daughter feel better. My daughter now thinks I’m going to Hell. Thanks, Catholic school.
I shouldn’t have told her. I also shouldn’t drink Everclear and Clamato.
Does anyone else have any experience with trying to convince a Christian raised child that her atheist daddy isn’t going to burn in Hell? I fucked up bad. I honestly thought she’d already figured it out. Right now my wife is trying to comfort her. I told my wife to tell her I’m a Buddhist (sort of true), and gave her some ammunition about how Catholic doctrine doesn’t strictly require Christian belief in order to stay out of Hell.
My daughter is a really smart kid (like genuinely, tested out as gifted), and I stupidly thought she’d figured out my Godlessness (I’m the one who never goes to mass on sundays). Now I’m in the doghouse with both her and my wife, and I donm’t know what to tell either of them. I half feel like telling my daughter I was kidding and I really do believe in God.
I have no advice for you, unfortunately, but I sympathize with your situation - my aunt’s family has basically the same dynamic as yours (her husband is the only one who doesn’t go to church.) All I can tell you is that both of my cousins came to terms with it as they grew older. How old is your daughter?
She’s 11. Just finishing 5th grade. I never should have opened my mouth. At least not yet. I nmever thought anything would make me want to go to church again, but I feel like I’d do it now just to make her feel better.
I wasn’t supposed to tell her this yet. I totally fucked up.
Whew, DtC, I’m sorry. Maybe she did have an idea, but may have been having a bad day or some other factor is going on behind the scenes. Same thing happened in my household. My ex-Catholic Dad and non-practicing Baptist mom allowed the two of us to make our own decisions, and as kids we tried several churches. Never took with me; non-practicing sibling follows Pascal’s Wager er…religiously. Dad slipped up while speaking with me, the biology major, and she overheard. And dissolved into a crying panic.
Dad chose to go the we-cannot-known/agnostic route with her, and it seemed to settle her down.
No idea about the background to any of it, but maybe your daughter’s upset because she loves you and thinks you’re going to suffer for eternity in the afterlife. Maybe this could be the opening for a discussion on how if God is loving as he’s supposed to be, he would still have a way to save people who want to find the truth but at this stage can’t honestly believe what’s been portrayed about him. Assuming she’s old enough for such a discussion, of course.
ETA: I see you mention she’s 11, that’d be old enough to read some C.S. Lewis (assuming you don’t consider him anathema): I’m thinking particularly of the bit in The Last Battle where the young Calormen warrior is accepted by Aslan even though he’s worshiped Tash all his life. If that helps; or maybe not, I dunno.
That seems a mess. I’m not a parent - but I am an uncle to 8 nieces and nephews, including godfather to some. I’m also a closeted atheist to my family and I really have no idea how to communicate it to them (if at all). They know I’m an “extremely lapsed Catholic”, but that’s the extent of it.
Like you said, she’s smart enough to have figured this out on her own. There most likely isn’t an answer/lie that is going to patch this up. There are going to be more questions and more discussions. I don’t think I have any specific advice (other than don’t lie, but I don’t think that’s something you have planned here) - but I hope it goes well for both of you.
When you get time to answer it, could you tell us what you’ve told your daughter up to this point? 11 years is a long time to have been able to hide this. (I obviously have a little vested interest in the strategy you’ve taken.)
If you can stomach it this might work. I don’t think you can put the toothpaste back in that tube. Like you said, cover how Catholic doctrine doesn’t strictly require Christian belief in order to stay out of Hell. Ask her to look back at how you’ve lived your life and ask her if your the kind of person God would send to hell - you have been good, right?
ETA - at 11 I would bet she’s had some doubts herself - my daughter certainly did. She just may understand when she calms down.
Actually I had a similar crisis when I was around that age. Not about my parents, but sort of in general - I had friends that weren’t Catholics, and suddenly it occurred to me that they might all go to Hell. It was a terrifying and traumatic thought.
I don’t know if this is exactly what is going through your daughter’s head, but it might help if you had her talk to a priest (a priest that you trust, or at least your wife trusts, I suppose). The priest I talked to at that age talked to me about God’s love and how he believed that we go to heaven by being good people. It might have been blasphemy according to Catholic doctrine (I dunno) but it really helped me come to terms with things. Of course, you want to make sure that this priest isn’t going to preach fire and brimstone to your daughter. We were lucky in that our parish priest was very easygoing and understanding.
(Note: I now identify as agnostic, but I was pretty hardcore Catholic as a kid.)
Hasn’t your wife developed a rationalization for your destiny that keeps her from worrying? Have her share it with da daughter!
Heck, you’re one of those unbelieving Dopers who I figure will melt in adoration & surrender in The Presence, not one of those anti-theist ones who’ll either be dragged in kicking & screaming or pissing themselves in terror.
Can you talk to her priest or anyone at her school?
I’m a Christian and I’ve never been into the whole “we’re going to heaven and everyone else is going to burn in hell” scenario, so as a kid if someone I loved told me they weren’t a believer I’d just feel bad that they don’t know God’s love or whatever (now as an adult I just don’t give a fuck).
But, I’m a loose Lutheran not a young girl who goes to a Catholic school. So you and wife might need to get someone with a lot of knowledge to help you “get out” of the situation as it were.
And I don’t think redacting will be the answer. You’re going to have to move forward with this, even if you have to skirt it.
My wife talked to her and then I did. Both of us emphasized the fact that Catholic doctrine doesn’t strictly require dogmatic belief. We pointed out some Biblical passages like the parable of the Sheep and the Goats (“whatever you do to the least among you, you do to me”), and the “God is Love” passage in 1 John.
I also told her that (not entirely untruthfully) that I just have a much more abstract understanding of God and that (not untruthfully at all) that I think Jesus was a great moral teacher, but that I also felt the same way about Buddha and that it wouldn’t be entirely inaccurate to call me a Buddhist or even a pantheist.
She’s calmed down a lot. She at least doesn’t think I’m bnecessarily going go o Hell anymore. My wife and I convinced her that I would just go to purgatory at worst. She’s doing better now. I think my wife is still pissed at me, though. I wasn’t suppesed to open my mouth about this until she was at least a teenager. I may be jerking off in the shower for a while.
Yes, and she has and I think it helped. We’ve both really tried to push all her life that it’s how you treat other peple that matters.
I also told her that it’s really important for her to believe whatever feels right to her, that I love and support her no matter what she believes, and that if she thinks I’m an idiot for not believing that’s perfectly ok. That made her laugh.
A year ago my son, at 5 years old, asked me whether mommy and I believed in God. I told him that I did and mommy didn’t, and that he didn’t have to decide for himself until he was older. This was followed by a couple of weeks of random theological questions, but in the end, he seemed to have accepted the fact that belief and unbelief were both perfectly legitimate points of view.
Glad to hear she’s better now; I never was in a similar situation myself but the freakout level reminds me of when my 6th grade class was told about bacteria (beneficial ones didn’t get mentioned, of course)… the whole world turned YUCK for a short while - how do you keep from being in contact with bugs-that-make-sick when they’re everywhere even inside you and on your skin and aaaaaaaaagh! pant pant I’m better now, too.
I remember when my brother was about that age and he was discussing with a classmate how Santa Claus and most of Christmas were all based on pagan rituals, and a girl near them got visibly upset and started spitting that they were both Satanists!
All kids ask that question at some point. The also ask if God exists, what happens when you die, and when the world will end. Little kids care about the big issues, and better yet, they accept your answers…
