My wife & I have differing opinions on religion. I lean very much towards atheism (bordering on anti-theism) while she is a fairly religious believer. Our daughter has gotten to the age where I can no longer deflect her questions about “why doesn’t Daddy go to church” with flippant remarks like “Because I have too many things to do around the house” and it just seems dishonest to continue that approach.
I’m trying to figure out the best way to discuss this with her, perhaps with all three of us involved to explain that I don’t believe the same things that Mom does without making either or both of us seem ‘wrong’. At 8 years old, I don’t think she can totally grasp the concept of religious beliefs vs scientific facts, but we need to explain the differences and try to be as honest as possible with her.
First off, you need to have this discussion with your wife. You have differing ideas about religion, and that’s cool, but to explain this idea to your daughter is going to take both of you, and I would strongly advise against declaring your ideas to your daughter alone.
A wider context approach may also help - the fact that there are Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, etc. all with different ideas and ways of worship is easier to discuss than ‘Mummy and Daddy don’t agree on something.’
After that, as long as everything gets expressed respectfully as “Mummy believes this…” “Daddy believes that…” and she (your daughter) gets to think for herself, it should work out. Respect is the key, in my opinion.
I feel there is rarely a better alternative to full, honest communication with kids, no matter how young. Yeah, you and your wife should be on the same page as to how you discuss this, but I’d suggest simply saying:
Different people believe different things.
Mommy believes this, dad feels that way.
Tho we disagree on some beliefs, we respect each others’ opinions.
And we agree on the basics such as “love your neighbor”…
Millions of other people believe entirely different things.
As you grow up, you will decide what belief is best for you.
“Listen Muffy, there is no Santa Claus, OK. There never has been. We’ve been lying to you all along. Now go clean your room.”
I think that leaving well enough alone for now, with an 8 year old is preferable to trying to explain it all. My kids are 9 and 10 and I’m dragging it out as long as I can. I don’t see the point in bursting that bubble yet. Of course if you do Dinsdale and Le Ministre have some good ideas.
But really, why even try at this point to explain it?
Mom and Dad have different beliefs about religion.
But beliefs are just opinions or preferences and can’t really be right or wrong.
I may really like chocolate ice cream and your mother may really like vanilla.
We may both believe our flavor is the best but neither of us is right or wrong.
It’s important for you to decide for yourself if you believe chocolate or vanilla is best. Or maybe you’ll discover somewhere that you believe strawberry is the best. And you won’t be wrong either. Just remember it’s only best for you.
How about you ask your daughter what her beliefs are and take your cue from her? She may well enjoy church and feel you’re missing out.
8 year olds usually see God as an old man with a white beard who sits on a throne in heaven. They haven’t yet ( not even Doper kids) passed over to abstract thinking. They see God as the ultimate Referee (some people never go beyond this and that’s fine if it works for them). They are usually concerned with being “good”–both in behavior at school and in church. Following the rules and achieving within their set parameters are important to them.
All that said, I think my Dad said it best to me (but I was older): I don’t get what others seem to out of church, but there is a force for good in this world. I think it’s important that we all try to work with that force.
Of course, this was long before Star Wars, so that line might sound really hokey now.
She’s 8. She doesn’t have “beliefs” other than the parts she remembers from sermons and her mother- probably something like, “be nice, or God will punish you!”
FWIW, I predict that if you tell her honestly about your beliefs and your wife’s, she’ll stick with your wife’s for now and gradually move toward yours. She may or may not experience some sort of religious flowering as a (sub)adult.
It might be best (from your wife’s POV) just to tell her that “daddy doesn’t believe exactly what mommy believes” and that different people feel different ways about god(s), and all beliefs are equally valid, and so on, and tell her you don’t believe in anything when she gets a bit older.
Is she asking questions? Do you ask her questions about religion?
I don’t think it needs to be a big production. I’d just say that I’m not going to church because I don’t like to. My 6yo would take that answer and move on to another topic. But if your daughter wants more conversation, you could ask her if she likes to go, and why or why not. If she wants to know why you don’t like to go, you can be honest without demeaning religion.
She does ask questions, but not to me directly anymore (about church), that’s why I want to keep the communication lines open and be honest. Her mother makes her go and that’s fine for now, although I consider it brainwashing when someone so young is not taught all sides of things.
My wife & I have discussed it between ourselves and she (my wife) knows how I feel. We both respect each others right to believe what we want.
I would ask her what she thinks about church and god and religion and all of that first before you do anything else. Figure out where she is coming from before you start trying to explain it to her or you might cause things to be more confusing instead of less confusing for her.
By beliefs I meant what she thinks of God and who/what she thinks God is. Then I gave an example of a typical 8 year old’s image of God. Did you think I thought she would have a treatise on the deity? She may surprise us yet.
Your mother does not like spinach. I like spinach. You will decide for yourself whether or not you like spinach.
Your mother enjoys listening to Tom Waits. I think listening to Tom Waits is like listening to a hungry dog with a tracheotomy. You will decide for yourself whether or not you like listening to a hungry dog with a tracheotomy.
Your mother thinks Jesus died for our sins, and every Sunday she goes to a big building and begs him to keep her tits from sagging so much. I think Jesus was kind of a groovy dude whose words got out of control, and your mother’s tits are going to sag no matter how much she begs. You will make up your own mind about Jesus, but the sagginess of your mother’s tits will be there for all to see.
Your mother thinks when she dies she is going to a cloudy paradise, whereas I will be punished for my lack of faith in an eternity of hellfire. I think death is an engulfing darkness and the end of consciousness and identity, and your mother is hiding from the terror of that reality by wrapping herself in a comforting delusion. You will decide for yourself whether to face the truth or embrace the fantasy.
For a few short years, as long as you don’t take them to Santa Claus school every week and when they’re 6 or 7 you tell them YOU WERE KIDDING then it’s ok. It’s called ‘whimsey.’
I know what you’re saying, but if the OP and his missus have different beliefs and still got married, their differences are probably more along the chocolate vs. vanilla direction rather than the Mom thinks Dad is going to hell direction.
