How do I let my wife know I don't find her stupid, just her birth culture?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I relate to your wife’s feelings more than yours. Why shouldn’t she bothered that people think her child is a demon? As members of this community, the people within it represent a large part of the environment you’re raising your child in. It is a highly unusual person who would be impervious or indifferent to social stigma.

It is clear to me that she identifies as a member of her community, while you see yourself as an outsider. That’s why you are able to brush off their opinions like dust on your shoes. Is it possible that she feels you think of her fellow countrymen as “dust” as well? Yes, it’s possible. And if so, it logically follows she would take this personally too, because she sees herself as one of them.

Okay, don’t kill me, but I think you perception differs from hers because of the p-word (cultural privilege).

A non-American (from a poorer, less powerful country) scoffing at American culture typically doesn’t hit an American the same way as an American scoffing at a non-American’s culture. Your relative stoicism is not a sign that you are more rational than she is. You are simply looking at things through a different lens because your background differs. Just like stealing a $10 from a poor man isn’t going to affect him the same as stealing the same amount from a rich man.

Inter-cultural/racial relationships often feature moments of tension and insecurity when differences surface and it’s not clear how the other person (usually the non-minority) will react. You navigating the challenges of living in her native country is probably hard for both of you, and if you act dismissively toward the people there, I can’t imagine that helps anything.

First thing I would suggest doing is stop reminding her that you think she’s different from the people she grew up with. She obviously feels connected to her community, and hates the “but you’re an exception” that is implied when you diss them.

Knowing that you accept and love her fully, even the parts of her that are unmistakenly Trinidadian, is what she probably is lacking right now. Could she now be regretting all the times she joined in your derision and mockery, because it’s given you the greenlight to see yourself as apart from her world and dare I say, superior? Yes, she could be regretful. I certainly would if I were in her shoes.

22

Based on many previous posts about your wife, I’m not entirely certain that you don’t think she’s stupid.

23

We just can’t have an advice thread without someone coming in and making a pointless swipe.

You do realize you’re calling the OP a liar and a bad husband, right? How is that supposed to be helpful?

24

I second what most others have said already here, especially monstro and you with the face.

grude, even if she doesn’t believe in it, she knows a lot of people, especially in the area you live (as opposed to other parts of Trinidad) do think that way. And it is her community. Why wouldn’t she feel bad or threatened if people think her son is possessed by demons?

Yea, you can say you don’t care what others think, but it is difficult to do that when their beliefs can really negatively impact you. You DO have to care, at least a bit. As an example, I have a huge dog here, in Trinidad. HUGE. She’s a Lab/pit mix a well, but more lab. People are scared of her, think she is a mean dog. She’s not, she’s in fact quite nice and gentle (big softie). But even though I say I don’t mind that people think she’s a badass dog, I do have to be on the lookout. Because those who think she is horrible could potentially harm her, and she is all my company here.

And if that is the case with me, imagine your wife. She may not personally care, but her community may do something to harm or ostracize her kid, her only son, way more important than a companion animal. Therefore she worries about it, understandably. And the more rejected your son is, the harder it will also be for him (and you as a family) to deal with his condition.

I have seen some articles recently about treatment of autism in Trinidad. I hope you’re all getting help and therapy and are able to improve your quality of life.

25

Whether you call it that or not, the stuff about “jumblies” is religion, as it is a form of superstition. I have no experience in this area, but it might be useful to let her know that you just think the “jumbly” thing is stupid.

But I suspect the real issue isn’t what you think it is. IT’s not that she can’t tell the difference between thinking jumblies are stupid and thinking she is stupid. You clearly think it is stupid to care about what other people think about your son. And she cares about what other people think about your son. So you think she’s being stupid.

I’m not relationship expert, but even I know that you need to try and understand where she is coming from. You need to talk to her about why she feels the way she does. And you need to listen, not try to convince her that she’s wrong.

Because, frankly, she has legitimate concerns. It does matter what these people think of your son. Because you aren’t going to be with your son all the time. If everyone thinks he has a “jibbly,” he’s going to get bullied. And she may be mistreated as well. Or, at the very least, she may find it hard to make friends.

It doesn’t matter that they’re wrong. What other people think of you will affect you. You may be oblivious to it, but she’s not.

To let her know you don’t think she is stupid, you need to take her concerns to heart. She’s not stupid, so she’s not doing this for no reason. Talk to her about it. Don’t just dismiss it.

26

The OP’s wife may be reacting to what she feels is a delusional response in her husband. Pain provides important feedback; it’s the thing that keeps you from complacently staying in a harmful environment when safer, healthier alternatives exist.

If grude doesn’t feel this pain like she does, on top of everything else, she maybe wondering if it’s all going to fall on her to face reality and actually seek a more accepting place to live. Meanwhile, grude is just wanting to enjoy life in the present, even if that means ignoring the signs of toxicity surrounding him.

27

Well I am not interested in forcing my wife to not care like me, but I wish she would at least realize I am on her side. I was telling her I would tell people that he is keeping to a routine because of his autism, and she said no one is going to understand what you’re talking about. I feel then what the hell is the point of it then, if she says people won’t know wtf I’m talking about why even care about their ignorant opinion of our son?

And I’m not going to leave my son home because he is “embarassing”, I’m not going to let local opinions alter my treatment of him. One of her relatives said people find me spending so much time with my son and taking him everywhere with me and how affectionate I am with him(I hug and kiss him on the cheek and put my arm around him in public) kinda weird an creepy. I just laughed and again said how stupid, then my wife asked me what if he had been a girl you would do the same with her and I said of course. My wife said wow good thing he turned out to be a boy then, otherwise people would really say its creepy. I just can’t find the opinions of someone who gets pedo vibes or thinks I am turning my son gay from normal parental love worth even considering, and I’m not going to change how I treat my son who I love for some idiot’s opinions. I mean I ask so do you find I act creepy or think I’m a pedo with our son, my wife says of course not :rolleyes: But you know these fools here, I mean even she calls them stupid but also what they think matters.
Tons of people even when I tell them he is autistic say he is just harden and you need to beat him, they say to beat him to force him to talk even. There are people who see him and me for years and still think he is just a brat and I am a shit parent and all he needs is to be beaten to fix him, I am like they have never seen him say a word in YEARS and they still fail to find that unusual?! My wife says you know people here they just have stereotypes about white parents and kids so they see what they want and ignore anything else. But their opinion matters apparently.

I can deal with him and get along perfectly and harmonious, but my wife causes a lot of meltdowns and friction just because she keeps trying to force a square peg into a round hole. She sometimes refuses to do things in a way to keep him happy because she says what would people say if they could see this catering to a child, this is ridiculous he should not get any special treatment and I say he has autism and there is no point treating him otherwise. She says no other parent here would treat a child special or care if they had autism he just needs to get over it, and I say he isn’t because he has autism. She finds it ridiculous, I tell her do you want to spend your life fighting with him and having trouble or accepting he has autism and working with it, and worrying about what people here who don’t even know what it is would think or how they treat their kids? He has a very limited diet because he will only eat a few things, and she finds that ridiculous he should eat what we say and no parent here would cater to this. I say would you rather starve him out and be fighting 24/7?

And she agrees with me on all of this that local opinions are stupid, but she still brings it up or worries about it. I ask so do you want to do what these local people do, and she says no absolutely not of course…but just saying.:confused:

I want her to understand I am on her side, and my sons side, treating him badly for some stupid strangers opinion is ridiculous.

You have a good idea about me stopping trying to tell her she is different, but she herself has said how she is different! When she insisted on going to a public hospital to have our son she said the doctor there was using a doppler unit and told her oh I’m so sorry I don’t hear anything I think the baby is already gone. She told him no try right here at this spot, and he was like oh how do you know that and she told him duh I have a doppler unit at home and listen to him all the time(she bought a doppler unit of ebay when she first got pregnant they are only around 20 bucks and doppler is passive so no risk to use) and she said he was totally shocked she knows what a doppler unit is and owned one. She said the asshole assumed she was an average ignorant Trini fool and lied to her because they did not want to do a C section so they were going to let our son die, but he did not count on the fact she isn’t an average from the poor area she lives in they deal with. She also demanded they give her the steroid shot for our son’s lungs because he was only 36 weeks, and they were shocked and asked her how she knew about that at all, and she told them I am informed about what the standard prochedure is(privately again she was like they think they are dealing with the average ignorant fool here). I actually had to go there and kind of force my way in because they have visiting hour once a day and don’t allow men on the maternity ward at all but I had to grab her and did not give a shit about their stupid ass rules, (I told her either you come with me to the waiting taxi to a private hospital for a C section or I physically force you to come because I did not want her to die(I had been frantically arranging everything and had been up for more than 24 hours because she insisted on going to public), one of the few times I used the white privledge card here that is even stronger than in the USA because I was afraid she would die an the main doctor even told her “I don’t care if you live or die”. She agreed with me after the surgery was done I was right and she marvelled at the modern facility and how invisible the scar was, everyone she knew using the public place looked like Frankenstein she said. She told me everything people she knew said was wrong and a lie because they were embarassed about not affording or understanding private hospitals here(they are like rent a facility, you have to arrange your own surgeon and staff).

I don’t know how to explain it but she almost seems like she is obsessed with challenging local culture, even to the point of hurting herself. She will go over like with the hospital example of what about local women who don’t know or can’t afford it. I am like that is deplorable I agree 100% totally, but we are two people. I mean somewhere on earth right now someone is starving to death because they cannot afford food, should we starve to death because they are?

Sorry for the novel length post, I just wanted to explain my position. I appreciate all the posts and help, thank you guys.

28

Stop being tiresome.

The OP clearly needs to re-examine his own attitudes and feelings towards his wife. He may not THINK he thinks she’s stupid, but he’s painted quite a picture of her over the course of multiple threads, a picture which shows he feels quite a bit of contempt for her.

29

Not really because I WANT to return to the USA with my wife and our son and have wanted to for a long, long time. The only reason I am even here is because my wife was the only caregiver for her mom who was terminally ill, I did not care where I was physically located in the world( we work online). And honestly I did not care, I liked it here well enough and we had a conflict free relationship, I was happy.

Once her mom was dead I eventually after a long while brought up going to the USA and she said only if I could give her a place to live she could never be thrown out of. She did not want to live in a rental property, and she had her mom’s house here. I said even if we own a house outright if we don’t pay the property tax we can be kicked out after years. She said ok sounds like here is the best bet, because property tax here was like 10 USD a year before a new administration was elected and refused to even accept that to court voters(the Kamla party). But it did not matter to me.

When I mentioned that recently she said she can’t remember saying it, it is absurd on its face, and she was insane after her mom died and she was out of her mind and was probably saying stupid shit so I would leave her alone because she was out of her mind with grief this was long before our son was born.

She says she doesn’t care either way now and has no problem with going to the USA, and agrees it would be good for our son. Because public schools here are weird, they are like hybrid of private and public and they have no legal obligation to accept students even though they are government funded. They can reuse anyone, and they even have hoops to jump through and require a 40 minute solo verbal interview with the child alone to enter the local version of kindergarten. If the child does not impress they can refuse it. Also they won’t consider any kid who has not been attending preschool since age 2, it is like school here starts at age 2. These schools in our area suck, it is like the staff is 1950s mentality and they still use corporal punishment even though it is supposed to be illegal if our son was normal.

Well of course our son being non-verbal is not admittable to a public school, our only other option is private special needs schools way out of the way that use corporal punishment too and are glorified day cares and the staff is ill informed on autism. We can’t really afford it and I refuse period to subject my son to beatings or trauma and it is so backward it strikes me as a waste of time and I love him more than exposing him to that. Right now we are basically homeschooling what little he can tackle and I work through exposure and routine in getting him to function in public. We have read more on autism then anyone we could pay here, especially me. I’m trying hard to get him to use PECS right now but he is so comfortable with non-verbal communication it is hard to get him to see the need.

Apparetly most non-wealthy local parents with severely autistic kids jump through hoops and spend many days waiting only to be approved to have their kids placed in a mental hospital like the one in St Anns, obviously me and my wife would never do that so it is a total waste of time. Someone told my wife there is a way to get monthly money for therapy from the government and so she wants to try applying alone with him but is still worried they will act suspicious because he looks white with an afro. They reacted suspiciously and badly when my wife took him alone to our local gov health center, like this child is foreign.

Anyway my wife says now she has no problem with going to the USA I just need to do it, as I told her this is a major undertaking and if we start tomorrow will be at the least 6 months before we can go as they stopped doing local counsular applications for spousal visas and will be at least 1,500 usd just in filing fees and a lot of interviews and work and the embassy already acts weird saying huh you’ve been married more than a decade why the hell have you not already filed.

This is NOT something I can just do alone, I need her on board.

30

Seconded. People have a right to their opinions.

31

The devil you say!

32

And honestly, why do you live on an island in the Caribbean and then complain that the beliefs and customs are different from Middle America? Have you made any attempt to adapt to, understand or even tolerate your wife’s culture?

33

A simplified timeline if anyone is interested.

We meet online in a chat channel on WinMX after Kazaa got shutdown, while downloading mp3s I compliment here on factually correcting a fellow chatter who posted crap.

We totally clicked on every single detail we shared, it was refreshing to find someone who agreed with me on my logical and realistically cynical view of life. I had never met someone who understood me so completely before and did not dismiss me as a kook.

We talk online and click hard, eventually she reveals she is female and eventually she is black, she had experiences where she revealed she was female only to be harassed for tit pics and black before to people online only for them to laugh and stop talking to her with a nasty comment. She found it shocking I was not only cool with it, I was amazed to find she was a woman.

Years of daily pc2phone(an early voip program you entered each others IP in) pics and webcam. She not only clicked with me in personality but in physical attractiveness.

Met in person for three months and everything was wonderful, her mom was nicer to me and was a nicer person than my own mom. I returned to the USA with the mutual plan to apply for PR for her.

Her mom had a stroke with no typical symptoms(unknown to her mom or anyone until shortly before she died and had an MRI done) and her mom had to quit her job, and my wife quit her job to help care for her. They both spent a lot of money and effort going to private doctors because the public health system was a waste of time and diagosed her mom with HIV despite her test being negative. Expensive private doctors also seized on HIV due to her mom’s address, despite at least six negative tests. Her mom kept degrading in condition and my wife was her caregiver(the part of her brain that controlled swallowing among others was necrotic from the stroke) and without feeling any resentment I came back and got permanent residency.

We got along fine, then her mom died. She went understandably crazy with grief, before she died her mom had a cascade of health problems including shingles that had her thrown out of the public hospital(they treat chicken pox or shingles here like ebola). In the months after I do my best to be there for her but we have our first arguments. I mention going back to the USA together but get shut down hard.

Eventually my wife gets over her moms death, our relationship is fine for years and I have some of the happiest years of my life. Local attitudes are a source of nothing but humor for us.

2010 my wife decides she wants a baby, I go along to make her happy and she gets pregnant almost instantly from unsafe sex. We find a private OB because the public health system doesn’'t do ultrasounds.

Due date approaching my wife gets preclampsia so bad her BP is through the roof and she wakes up blind and in tears because she is an active member of a USA based preg message board and thinks this means early C section and our son could die. She INSISTS on going to the public hospital because all her family and friends have told her StClair private is a scam and they just send you back to the public hospital. She is boofed up about going to a private OB and encouters various nonsense and lies and bullshit and refusal to operate and medical pros indifferent to her life, I go and threaten to forcibly remove her to StClair and she eventually goes with me willingly. She has a consequece free C section and she is fine and alive and so is our son who weighs 4.5 pounds. We leave there and I nurse her and our son and I am relieved and stressed.

2 years later and I know my son is not meeting milestones but is physically healthy and I almost subconciouslly understand him, he reminds me of me at a young age. We do research because the best private ped in the country is perplexed, we realize he is probably autistic, and I was probably diagosed with autism as a young child but my parents hid it from me and just abused me. I always cosidered myself weird, but did not dwell on the fact I was mostly non-verbal pre age 6 as an adult.

Age 3 and on, everything kind of started being a struggle and argument and my wife started getting depressed where before she was obsessed with being public and sort of a social change and tolerance warrior with our son due to negative opinions by others on the fact he was white or mixed race, when the non-verbal autism thing finally sunk in for her she seemed to sink into depression and seemed defeated. She disengaged and I stepped up because I did’t give a rats behind about the ignorant opinions of the local populace and now we are here.

I refuse to change how I treat my son and I dislike the distance between us.

34

You misunderstand I knew beliefs were very different, it did not matter because I did not care at all. I moved to an island in the Carribean to be with my wife, not because I liked or cared what local culture was. I’m from the south of the USA, I have experienced pushing of christianity even in people supposed to be neutral in government, I have seen posters here share similar sentiment and be disbelieved by posters I assume live on the eastern seaboard area. The southern USA is basically a different country, so I am not unused to beliefs I disagree with. And I laugh and mock USA based religious and cultural beliefs ALL THE TIME, and would have just as much laughter at some USA person claiming autism is a demon.

Also I don’t care about recreating a middle USA enviroment for my son, just treating him like my internal thoughts say is right and loving him and ignoring the stupid standards of a small section of a small country I live in that my wife happens to be from, and she agrees are stupid.

Anyway my wife mocked Carribean beliefs more than I did, it seemed part of what attracted her to me was the fact I found it as illogical as she did and laughed with her. I was indifferent or agreed with her it was illogical. Then when my son was born I suddenly found myself caring because I was not going to subject him to what seemed to me an abusive upbringing like not being affectionate towards him because local idiots find it creepy.

I feel lost, in over my head, clawing to what I know is right for him, and trapped all at the same time.

35

One thing that sticks with me and made me feel horrible was when my wife was caring for her mom she said do you want to see a pic of her? I said sure, and started the download of the jpg in the messenger program and left the PC to do something.

We both had a voip program open at all times and I had receive files set to open automatically and we were both wearing bluetooth earpieces so we hear everything each other said. I sat back down and said OMG without thinking because the woman I had last met as my wife’s mom was twisted and unbelieveavbly emaciated with almost every bone in her body visible. It was shocking to me, and it upset my wife and I felt so bad about reacting that way.

Again I hold nothing against her and I dont blame her, I just want to get fully on her side again and get the hell out of here.

36

No I don’t feel any contempt for her, the only time we ever clash is when I refuse to let her do things she feels is harmless to our son but beneficial and I won’t allow due to my own mental issues. You can believe it or not but I feel no hate or contempt for my wife, I just want her to get over her issue with being a social justice warrior for the culture and area she grew up in get more selfish and self and child centered and stop caring about this dumb backward culture.

My parents abandoned me in a mental hospital for children at age six because I had autism and was non-verbal, a week later they picked me up because as I later found out their medical insurance refused to pay further and they would of had to out of pocket. This was a formative experience and a continuing source of trauma and anger.
Because of that I will not expose my son who I love to anything traumatic, and I don’t care what my wife thinks. But to be fair she wants to do nothing like this, and would never do it.

I’m just explaining my own issues and psych buttons.

37

When my wife went alone with our son to a therapist he was upset when I arrived, he took me by the hand to the toilet and examined the room closely especially the wall behind which was a shower stall and once he say there was no exit he was satisfied and and led me back to the main room.

My wife said she had to pee and he screamed the whole time she was in the toilet, I explained he examined the room and once he saw there was no outside exit he was satisfied.

My point was he was worried you could have left him there and how would he get home, she insists i am projecting but i know my son and how his mind works.

38

You know I may be giving a wrong impression here.\

My wife loves our son, BUT she only knows local standards and knows he can’t make a life or survive by them. Thats why she pushes him in areas like talking, even to the point of meltdown. She doesn’t see how he can fit in and succeed locally in her experience.

But my point is who cares, there is always the USA. Where I know there are things like IEPs and disability, so I’m not worried and not stressed to tormenting him to talk for example.

39

Your concern for her just shines through.

40

This whole post is very wise, and I encourage grude to go back and read it again.