I hope you understand that even before I read below you have autism this came through in this discussion.
It is **ordinary **and functioning human reaction of a social person to care about the wider community thinks. Not agree, but to care. There are many valid reasons valid intellectually to do so.
You should understand this intellectually, as you give the strong impression of only thinking internally (which in your case we can understand) and not understanding your real situation.
Completely ignoring the community thinking is itself dangerous, even if you reject their beliefs. It has, as the others note, impact on the long-term future of your child.
The impression I take away is actually at its fundamental you care about your own perception of the enjoyment. Not the “enjoyment of the three of us”…
Your autism is leading you not to understand well your circumstances or
Your story of your childhood helps give more a context to your actions, but you are not solving your situation and in some ways I think only making an inversion of that behavior.
From the non american perspective as well I agree.
It also can be physically dangerous.
to be fair to him, I think due to his background he is completely blind to this. But yes, it has a great impact.
I hope this is an autism talking for it is showing rather grossly a deep problem in the relationship.
grude, like I said, I know there are programs to try to properly treat and give therapy to autistic kids in Trinidad, it was on the newspapers recently and I had to hear about a conference being given about it at the hospital I work. Resources may be scarce, but they are out there, use them, find them. Not just give up. For you and your family, do not.
Also, saying “there is always the USA” is useless if you do not go there for treatment and therapy. So if you want to decrease the incidents, your best bet is to start planning for a return to USA with your family. That means yes, getting your passport, starting the visa process, find an immigration lawyer, look into some job prospects, etc. Heck, even if you could make it to the UK (or Canada), it could be better. But you have to start planning. NOW. Otherwise what you wrote will be useless and nonsense because your son will not be in a country where he can get better therapy.
DUDE! DO IT NOW! See, it seems silly that even you are starting to go “but what would they think?” when talking about the immigration process. THIS, in THIS instance, you should not care, you should do it ASAP. Government processes, your wife and you are doing your respective duties and going through the hoops, you shouldn’t have to go “what would these people think” when you’re following the established system to get to a desired result. Your wife should apply for the stipend to get some help in giving therapy to your son, and you should start working on the visa. The visa process will be long, and it will only get longer if you don’t start it NOW.
Random people demonstrating that their culture can be harmful to your kid? HECK yes, pay attention and care for what they say because they can hurt you and your family. Getting the stuff you need from your respective governments who are supposed to provide them for you, and you’re going through it by the proper means? Don’t care what their thoughts are, just do it. For your sakes.
As an aside, I have to point out that regionalisms and superstitions vary greatly from different parts of the island. The area grude lives, his immediate environment, I have no problem believing things are like he says. The area that I live in? Quite different. For example, the dislike against private hospitals? Most of the people I surround with have no problems going to the private clinics. Yes, they will also use the public facilities when needed, but they’re not going there if what they need can be found at a private medical practice. They know the limitations of the public system.
grude, I do believe you love your family. I think part of the issue is the miscommunication you all have. You need to tell her what you have told us, and you need to understand her as to why she’s trying to do the things she do. She does them because she doesn’t want something worse to happen to her or her son based on the environment that surrounds both of you. She is not a social justice warrior, she is a good woman who sees the negative parts of her culture and realizes they are bad but at the same time wants to demonstrate the better parts and bring them to the front. She wants to be a champion and help those in her culture improve and succeed. You’re being more practical, but what she is, is not wrong.
So, it sounds like you and your wife are arguing a lot. That’s never any fun.
What I’m getting from you, is that really you two are not in complete agreement about how to raise your son. That seems to me, to be at the heart of the matter. The argument starts there and then as arguments go, a bunch of other shit gets thrown in the mix, like one’s culture, etc.
Just talking about the food issue, you let him be picky, she thinks he should not be permitted to be picky. Even without autism, having a picky eater can lead to big arguments between parents. My sister is a very finicky eater and always has been. The fights my parents had over this still ring in my ears.
Your son may well be better off in the states, but it isn’t easy to be poor here and won’t stop you two from arguing about whether or not he needs to eat differently.
I wish you luck in finding the best answer for your family, Grude.
You can help your wife feel better about the situation by validating her concerns (because they are quite legitimate) and then showing her you have an exit plan.
The back and forth about whether she should care about local opinions is only frustrating matters, because of course she should care about local opinions! Those opinions are exactly why yall need to move somewhere else. Fighting the opinions might be a futile effort, but at least her actions are solution-oriented. She probably feels like you are sticking your head in the sand.
She expressed willingness to move to the US. This is a great. Sounds like she doesn’t have a clue as to where to start the process, and it sounds like you do. Take the lead on making it happen. Get the paperwork and the documents together, and then develop a plan for how to make this work. She needs assurance that you are tackling this head on, not pretending that all is great and wonderful.
Think of her culture as her family, She gets to criticise and get angry with them sometimes, and you get to roll your eyes and agree with her. What you don’t get is permission to run down dumb stupid relatives down wholesale yourself, especially when you’ve chosen to live in the midst of them. For better or worse the culture that shaped her is a big part of her, whether she’s in accord with it or railing against it, and wanting to dismiss it out of hand as dumb, backward or illogical, for her that may be like dismissing a large part of her.
And for a bit of context my wife is Japanese, I met her there and we lived there for a number of years, now we live in a largely Western society and she has an often adversarial relationship with her own family and traditions. Doesn’t mean I join in; sometimes she just needs to vent at them, same as I get pissed off at New Zealand for being smug and parochial sometimes but would probably be irked if she slagged off the place wholesale.
And for a little further context we have a son who is 13 now. He was born in Japan and largely raised here, but very early on my wife and I agreed that he would be raised with both languages and in both cultures. Obviously the NZ side predominates because he was brought up here, but he’s bilingual, proud of his Japanese side, and extremely comfortable in Japanese culture when he goes back there. None of that would have happened if we hadn’t talked seriously as a couple about how he’d be raised, and worked hard together to ensure it happened. It sounds like you have some serious talking to do with your wife about the best way to raise your boy, so that you can work together. You can’t simply assume “well, my culture’s better so we’ll obviously do it my way”, even less when you’re living in your wife’s country.
I have not read the newer replies because I don’t have time right now and I don’t want my blood pressure to shoot through the damn roof like it always does when people misunderstand me and I can’t get through the reality. I will come back to it later.
Yesterday I took my son to a nice outdoor playground in a richer area and let him play for a couple hours, it was great and we both had fun but my wife wasn’t with us and it made me sad as hell she is missing out on this among so much else. No one even noticed he has autism, a little girl kept asking for his name but thats it.
If coming or going people are staring or think I should put my son somewhere his existing won’t bother decent people(a woman actually told me that) I don’t care in the sense that I am not letting them control my life or hide from them, it sucks for sure but since I can’t change what they think my alterative is to ignore it. (it actually doesn’t bother me).
So why did my wife not come with us? Because people stare and make grumpy faces, because would any parent around here bother to go to a rich area so their kid can play, ridiculous etc etc etc. I can’t stop people staring or disapproving or thinking crap, all I can do is ignore it.
Its sad, I want her in our lives but I’m not going to forgo fun and enjoyment.
You ask about issues with your/her culture, and a lot of people here are replying to that part of your post, but honestly, I think culture is a total red herring. I think you’d be having the same issues if you were both American and the neighbors were spouting anti-vax kookiness, rather than demon-posession kookiness.
The thing that really jumps out at me is that you genuinely, deeply, don’t care what everyone thinks of you and this is really unusual. Seriously, I think maybe one percent of people are able to totally shrug off others’ opinions with a ‘meh’ and in my experience that percentage includes roughly zero women.
It’s really really hard, for most people, not to care what their neighbors think, even if they have every reason to understand that the basis of their neighbors’ opinion is stupid.
This is probably something that you and your wife will need to keep reminding each other of periodically - that you actually don’t care what people think, and that she actually does care, and that neither of these attitudes say anything about your relationship with each other. It’s just the way you both are, and probably unchangeable at this point, at a deep level.
When boys say, “You’re not like other girls!”, we smile and take it as the compliment it’s intended as.
But a little part of us is thinking, “What the hell is wrong with other girls? They’re my friends, cousins, sisters.”
I think this boiled down version might help you to hear what people are trying to say. You often claim you’re misunderstood, but I think, at least in part your issues are keeping YOU from understanding.
Your son will have a hard enough time, how can you imagine your contempt, for so much of what will be his culture, is going to make it any easier?
Did you ask her? It could be anxiety from judgemental strangers, or it could be she’s too depressed to go out.
I think your attitude towards you son is wonderful, and I hope that if I were to a child with developmental issues, I could shrug off nosy questions and intrusive stares like you can. But it doesn’t seem like your wife shares your talent in this area, and no amount of reasoning with her is going to make her feel less anxious.
Continue to take your son out to the park; let that be the thing you do with or without her. Don’t pressure or berate her for not joining you. Remember, you’ve had a whole lifetime to become accustomed to the challenges associated with autism. She has not.
Yea thank you for getting it. There is a flamboyantly gay guy that works at a place here I frequent, asshole customers heap verbal abuse on him because of it and he doesn’t react at all, just smiles and have a good day. He has told me he just doesn’t give a shit about people that ignorant, and he isn’t going to change how he acts or dresses for them.
I’m basically like that, I don’t care and I’m not changing due to it. The only reason it is even an issue is the trouble my wife has with the crap, and I hate what it is doing to her. I know she can’t ignore it, I wish she could but she can’t. But I’m not angry at her for not living up to my standard because I know she can’t, I’m just sad at the end result.
It doesn’t even seem to help being away from the assholes, because she has kind of internalized it kind of. Even in private she will say stuff like we must be the most foolish parents alive, or what would people say etc.
The tadpole thing, I believe it because of an unconnected occurance.
My wife’s nephew, 19 at the time and always devoting tons of effort into appearing masculine and tough and advertising how many girlfriends he has and well you get the idea.
The backdoor was open in the night and his seperate room is by it, apparently a large cane toad got inside, this kid came and got me and pleaded with me to come kill it or get rid of it because he was terrified, he had moved a bunch of old junk piled in an unfinished bathroom it was hiding behind. I just pushed it out the door with a broom, he was watching while hiding behind a door.
Even now he freaks out if the backdoor is open in the day because of the fear a toad might get in the house.
I AM NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT searching for validation, I don’t CARE about validation AT ALL! I don’t care whether anyone agrees or approves of me, I come for advice because you all are smart. I do however want to be <understood> and not cast as something I am not.
But what does bug the hell out of me is when people don’t get me and my situation, they don’t understand the way I think and see the world, they don’t understand my motives, they don’t GET IT!
So I am at least pleased when someone understands me, and doesn’t just call me a monster, my wife a monster, or not even understand the issue I am asking for help with. My whole life people misunderstand what I want and instead view me in a negative frame or believe others manipulations because they were more skillful.
So yes someone finally saying ok I understand you, is amazing. They don’t have to approve, but at least understand me.
My wife seeks approval from a tiny subculture and takes their opinions seriously to the point of pain but they will never understand or approve. This is causing her to non-maliciously cause me sadness, and her standards are NOT middle class USA standards so she sees nothing wrong with them.
This makes me sad, I want to not be sad and the only way to fix that is her being with me and my son.
My wife CARES deeply about a tiny sub population of a tiny country, and she is letting this care ruin her life. She views things I want as ridiculous not out of malice because she has none, but out of her life and upbringing.
I care about her, I lover her, and I have seen her hurt herself because of holding to her worldview. If she was malicious and abusive toward me why would she almost get herself killed doing the same thing? She is hungry for validation and approval from people who are not me, and I can’t force them to do it(if I had magic powers I would in a heartbeat).
So…what should I do, that does not involve leaving her because I won’t. It is not a bad relationship, we spent yesterday lounging around and laughing at TV.
I was told by someone not my wife, so it is not a manipulation in case someone assumes that, that a guy a stranger told them how I am so wicked and racist I have my son thirsty so he was licking rain water off a brick in the park because he is half n***** so he felt to beat me up. I said he is free to try, I have several concealed weapons on me at all times.
Now the truth? I love my son so I take him to the park and am not embarassed of him or being seen with him and I like being with him. He has autism and will do things like lick a wet leaf or brick or drink rain water before I can stop him, in any case I see no real harm in it logically so I’m not going to scream or slap him like locals would prefer. And he wasn’t thirsty, I always carry water on me because he often wants a drink. I think needless to say I am not a round about and long game playing racist who had a kid to have the perfect victim to abuse.
This is the damn story of my life, someone saying ok I understand you is refreshing.
Are you not reading the posts in this thread (other than the one that you felt “got you” for reasons only you seem to appreciate)? You’ve received the advice you claim you need already. Here it is again.
Stop trying to impress upon her that you think her culture is stupid and are indifferent to the “backward” opinions of your neighbors. Just because you don’t care, doesn’t mean she’s wrong for caring, so it’s a counterproductive thing to keep bringing up. The more you harp on the subject, the more you underscore the distance between you and her family/friends/culture. Which is only going to exacerbate her conflicting feelings.
For the good of your son (and your wife), focus on what actions you are going to take to improve the environment you’ll be raising your son in. Let that be what you and your wife concentrate on instead of coping with her culture.
Yes, you are sad because she is sad. I totally understand this. But again, you feeling sad doesn’t mean she isn’t entitled to her feelings. Rather than trying to devise ways to reason her out of her feelings, it would be better to validate them (or at least acknowledge her feelings are understandable) and then try to talk about what concrete steps you both can take to make things better. It doesn’t seem like yall have had that conversation.
Since your own issues with austism may be a communication stumbling block, I suggest enlisting the help of a trusted person who knows both of you, who might be able to talk to her and find out where the disconnect is coming from.