This is great, grude. Since you understand this need in yourself, you have the ability to understand the same need in your wife.
Instead of hearing:
“I understand it upsets you when you hear our neighbors insinuate our lovely child is demon spawn; and I get why this makes you feel like the best course of action is keep him protected inside the house, away from stares and comments. I may not personally feel affected the same way, but I get why you are.”…
…she is hearing
"Why can’t you not give a damn like me? Let’s just go and out enjoy life, to hell with those idiots out there! And oh yeah, like I said 100 times already, I don’t think you’re stupid, just everyone you love and respect here. "
The first statement shows you are affirming her, not judging her as an irrational idiot.
And to be clear, I know I’m taking artistic license with the second quote. But this is the impression you’re giving me about how your discussions have gone so far. Just rehashing the same point-of-view over and over again, hoping that this time she sees the light.
Here a better phrasing, my wife is depressed over our son being autistic and non-verbal. All her dreams for him are laying in pieces on the floor. How do I help her move past that and deal with our son as is.
She used to do everything with him, she wanted to get him christened just for the photo OP and chance to dress him up, of course I agreed and it was fun and she got really into finding the special outfit or whatever, cute photo I smile when I look at it.
She needs hope that one day, he might be able go on to lead at least a semi-normal life. Perhaps like his father has gone on to have.
How likely is that to happen without resources and interventions? Right now, it doesn’t seem like you have access to the services that could improve his developmental trajectory. So it makes sense why the status quo bothers her.
This is why I feel the conversation should shift away from dealing with the present dilemmas of everyday life (whether to go to the park vs staying home) and move towards strategizing for a better future. Like where are you going to be living a year from now so that your son can get the care he needs, without the bullshit yall are dealing with now.
Well I tell her you will never reach those people, they will never react how you want, so we need to do something else. I’m sorry. Here are options etc.
She complains about the standard staring sequence beyond the autism, they look at him, look at me, look at her, look back at him and see the gears in their head turning. I’ve seen it and yea we laugh at how standard it is, and I tell her sorry but this is permanent no matter where we go. I’m sorry hon but this is just how it is, even in the USA. People are going to stare and look at us, I know you hate it but I don’t know what to say.
Hell she just told me spontaneously triggered by nothing, that if one of the neighbors children or around here turns out like him they will say “his spirit jumped onto them”.
I get it. I have a grown child on the spectrum, and we also are in intercultural relationships. He scoffs at everything illogical and superstitious that his wife feels, and I regularly remind him that just because you don’t feel that way or agree, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t accept and respect others’ feelings, no matter how wacky they seem to you.
You’re not going to understand how she feels. She knows how you see things. You’re not going to change her. That’s her journey. What you need to keep reminding yourself and her is that you respect and care for her, and however she feels is valid for her, and your main concern is how to make life better for her and your son. To that end, stop arguing with her about how she feels and the negative aspects of her culture. Instead, focus on getting your paperwork in order and get the money together now to get yourselves out of that environment.
There are plenty of areas in the U.S. where mixed couples and autistic kids are completely commonplace, like here in the D.C. area. If you get yourselves out of a negative place and moved into a place where she’ll find herself surrounded by people with positive outlooks and practical, mandated support for your son, she’ll start to feel better and see that there’s more than one way to handle this.
You said something about she thinks she is protecting him by hiding him away from the assholes, you’re probably right because she often mentions how he is embarassing himself over something totally trivial like say he wants to play with gravel and shape it into a scene and other kids look at him. I tell her he is not embarrassed, he is enjoying himself and learning through play and this is better for him than being hidden in a house bored. She seems to have trouble putting herself inside his head, and if I provide a likely interpretation of his thought process she says “he isn’t you” and therefore dismisses the offered solution or compromise. Even though it is correct, even though the solution works, she just dismisses it does things in a way that don’t work gets him upset and then she is upset and trainwreck I clean up. Like if you just show him X so he knows it is coming he will be ok, and she says he is a child I don’t need to show him anything he has to obey me and of course it goes bad. Appeal to authority as in accepted concepts of autism treatment doesn’'t even seem to work, and then she says I deal with him so well because I cater to him, as in doing things like sticking to routine and no surprises etc. She just has a mental block here, she is just focused on getting him talking.
Going to the park or playground is part of my DIY therapy and good exercise for him, he is lightyears beyond where he started in dealing with other kids, for instance he now waits for kids in front of him to clear the slide instead of just barreling around and over them from me taking my time and getting him into the routine of waiting.
I’m not comfortable with the idea that all feelings grounded in irrationality and illogic should be treated as sacrosanct by a loving and caring partner. Our own feelings are not unambiguously our allies. Sometimes our feelings are our enemies—or ambiguous or trivial—and we should approach them critically.
Oh, you’re not angry at her for “not living up to” your standard? How generous. :rolleyes:
You still see this as her problem. It’s not any more hers than yours. And it is “an issue” not only because of the damage it is doing to your relationship (which doesn’t mean her, it means both you, equally and together), but in its consequences for your kid, whose world is defined by his parents, their relationship, and their community surroundings.
Well, yes, but that push can really only come from the inside. Unless you’re a psychologist who has been trained in correcting another person’s harmful thought patterns and reactions, it unlikely you’ll get very far in being critical of your partner’s feelings. The best you can do is acknowledge the feelings and then shift the conversation away from feelings to actions.
grude’s wife is coming to grips with a whole bunch at once. One, that her child is autistic, and two, that her community isn’t accepting of him. The third issue is a husband who can not relate to her emotional state and who probably reminds her of this every time they speak on the subject. So who in her world can she depend on to help her process things?
I’m not seeing irrationality here at all. Most people would find this distressing.
Have you guys sought counseling from someone with expertise in autistic children? She may not see you as an authority on the subject because you’re new to parenting just like she is. If an objective 3rd party can coach her on strategies and approaches, maybe that will give her some much needed confidence.
Right now, on top of everything else, she might be feeling like an incompetent parent. When yall disagree on how to handle even minor things, that could make those feelings intensify.
You’re an American citizen, right? You can head back to American any old time you want; no reason to go through the consulate. As long as you filed a consular report of a birth abroad for your son, there’s no reason you and he can’t head to the US as soon as you’re able to buy plane tickets. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to pack him up, get settled in the US, then work on getting your wife over.
If you haven’t filed a CRBA for your son, do it now. It will NOT take 6 months or $1500 to get that paperwork taken care of- it’s $100 and two interviews.
I think you would find it was not just the same in America as far as people staring at your son/making mean comments etc goes. Yes, the ignorant people would still be there, but what you could find also, which it doesn’t sound like you have in Trinidad are other families with ASD kids, and that is SUCH a great resource. I can’t stress it enough. In my family I’m “person who cares what other people think” and my spouse is more “person who doesn’t care” - not to the extent that you take it, I think - but I’m also “person who did most of the therapy with the Small Boy” so I can see immediate benefits for both of you. Your wife can find, if you pick your destination well, a community of people going through the same stuff - this feeds her emotional needs. You can find, as well as good therapists (which are worth their weight in rubies) other parents to copy ideas off.
I also think that what you describe as your way of spending time with your son sounds so much like the way I used to work with the Small Boy. He was basically non-verbal till therapy - which he got at 3, so I think that puts him slightly ahead of where your son is at (I don’t quite remember how old your son is - I’m thinking 4 or 5??) - didn’t mean he wasn’t communicating. Words are great, words are to be encouraged, but communication, any sort of communication, is the key. You get to words THROUGH communication. My son used to do a thing where he’d go get a stick out of the garden and put it in my hand, and that meant “lets go for a walk” (because he liked to bang on the fences with the stick) and it was not only fun but great therapy. He’s now at mainstream primary school, BTW, and I would say most of the class (who didn’t know our family 5 years ago) wouldn’t have a damn clue he’s got a diagnosis (though he still does, and it’s still got the potential to make his life difficult, but it’s not a “your life is a wasteland” situation)
ALSO - it so doesn’t have to be the case that your wife’s hopes and dreams for her son are in pieces. I work with ASD teens at the moment, on various shades of the spectrum from ‘wouldn’t know it if nobody told you’ to ‘pretty obvious they’re Autistic’ and the kids on the more-affected end of the spectrum include some of the sweetest, kindest, funniest young men you could ever hope to meet (also some total assholes. What can I say - they’re teenage boys). No way of telling where your son will end up, but keep loving him.
I don’t really have contempt for it, I don’t sit and fume about it. I don’t have any issue with food, music, etc. There are fringe aspects to it that are really ugly and cause people here a lot of pain, like shunning the sick or different so yea I hate that.
I think it is regrettable because of the pain it causes to the people that live in it, even physical illness is shunned someone with cancer is avoided like the plague by some people.
My wife has no interest in exposing him to local culture, words out of her mouth today “god I hate local music nothing but sex innuendos and repetitive crap”. I’m more laid back but neither of is big any culture, I wanted to take him to a halloween thing for kids in an expaty area because I thought he would have fun not because its US culture.
My son is oblivious to our emotions his parents much less strangers, but thats ok it is because of his autism. My son doesn’t really interact with strangers in anyway, even those who try to and there are plenty who do. So limiting his life and experience to save him from something a minority thinks that he doesn’t even notice or care about is a poor trade off to me.
Yea I have told my wife the USA is totally different on autism awareness and the only people likely to make mild mean comments are maybe grumpy old people, totally different world.
And I know this hurts my wife but people assume she is not my son’s mother, once she was alone with him in public and he was fussing and people yelled “what are you doing to the peoples child” thinking she was a maid with the clients kid.
A couple of times I got guys in public shouting with a laugh when I was alone with him
thats a horn child or are you sure thats your kid, I was like are you fucking blind he looks like a white kid with an afro. Someone later let me in on the intended joke that they assume the mom is white and cheated with a black guy and I am raising him :smack: I did not even get that insult.
Really rigid and unflexible race and skin tone even roles, its mind blowing to people that people could not care or move around.
The other issue is here parents here in this area are expected to have children like a trained soldier, the parents remind me of Ceaser Milan going tcch if their child so much as slouches when standing with them in public. People will say “its not NYC you can beat children here” in public.
Once me and my wife were with our son in a public park on a big lawn blowing bubbles because he likes chasing them, never any other children playing there. And people are walking by frowning and dissapproving at us :mad: STOP HAVING FUN! instead of smiling.
I was like you want to explain this, she says they are thinking how foolish we are as parents for indulging this shit or even letting him play in public. LOL just an unbelieveably sour, strict and conservative and judgemental enviroment. It should be straight home from school to be beaten for your foolishness for you kids.
Society is also all about appearance and status and monetary values, and mocking and contempt for those beneath you and desperately clawing upward.
you go to wealthier or expat areas and it is a different world, parks with children playing.
Unlike Aspidistra, I don’t have an autistic child, work with autistic people, or have any involvement with autism other than knowing some folks with the condition. However, I can confirm her assertion that the situation here is much different here than you describe.
Autism awareness in the US is quite high. People know of the condition, and even if they’re not knowledgable about it, they are aware that it exists and that people with it sometimes act in out-of-the-ordinary ways. I have been a party to the following conversation many times: “Why is he doing [something unusual]?” “He’s autistic.” “Oh, okay.”
Yes, people might stare and they might inquire, but the stuff that follows should be a lot less painful in most cases.
My wife and I are both from cultures where there is a fair amount of dysfunction baked in- for me it is West Indian culture very similar to the behavior that **grude **describes in his surroundings, for my wife, it is rural American Southern. We also met under similar circumstances in the late 90s, and I ended up leaving the urban East Coast to live in Arkansas.
All of which is a long way to say, I know what it’s like to deal with people who think that loyalty to parents is more important than loyalty to children. I recommend a serious talk with your wife about the best options for your son’s future, and go with that as far as she can bring herself to go.
I can only say that one thing my wife have always agreed upon was that we needed to protect our kids from some of the toxicity that we were raised with. That has stirred bad feelings on both sides of our families at times, but at the end of the day, our sons’ futures is more important than our pasts- and we have not had the added strain you are encountering. If your wife recognizes the toxicity there, that is a huge step. She will likely need time and your support to go through the necessary detachment in order to save her child.
If you are not ready for the ‘big move’ I would recommend at the very least using your access to the US to get your son stateside so he can have a proper evaluation by a modern doctor who will give you an honest assessment (don’t discount that your own experiences are coloring what you think is ‘best’ either) and then you can go from there as a family. I will vouch for your assessment of the local medical community, and the blend of superstition, old wive’s tales, and hedge-magic that permeates even the most ‘advanced’ clinics in the region is right on par with my experience, even if it strains belief to some.
Also, be kind to your wife. Always. She will either be your greatest ally or worst enemy in this.
Now that I think about it I think my wife doesn’t want to leave because she wants to defend what she feels is her house, and she is on the deed and part owner.
When her mom was terminally ill who she was the sole caretaker of for more than a year, and her mom was eventually paralyzed and she was doing everything for her, her brothers helped not one bit. The one of them days after she died made the DICK move of taking an inventory :rolleyes: of everything in the house including the furniture and computer my wife owned, I mean her bed even as belonging to the estate. Then wanted to say the separate part of the house he lived in was his and they needed to split the rest three ways. Oh and his son’s attached but separate apartment is excluded from the split part too. And everything in the rest of the house is part of the estate including my wife’s possessions. Of course all his stuff isn’t part of the estate since its in his part.
And she was upset at the wake which he held distant family showed up to walk through the house and marvel at its size, and talk about how they wanted to move in on it.
This really upset her and I mean with damn good reason. It got called off of course with arguments. And the same brother’s girlfriends, and the family that lives in surrounding houses she talks about all having ideas of getting a piece.
So I think even though she is on the deed she feels she needs to stay to defend it from them. Like she will say where is our son’s apartment since her nephew has one. Leases here are a weird kind, the last surviving owner only can pass it on.
I told her tell your brother to buy you out then you don’t need to worry.
Like she says if we leave her brother will find some GF who will likely move her mom and family into the part we occupy since it is empty.
She just hates the idea of people salivating over the house and moving in when she lived here her whole life.
I was actually about to sign a lease before our son was born on an apartment in a part of the city where we could walk to most things just because of the easy access, and didn’t because she said why should she leave her house for a smaller place and waste the money.
Dude, with all due respect, you should probably connect with other parents of children on the autism spectrum both where you live and in the US. My youngest twin (now almost 11) is on the spectrum.
It’s a tough row to hoe. My wife is still almost 11 years on clinically depressed. Something like 80% of marriages with special needs kids, including ASD, end in divorce. I don’t know you nor your wife, but there may be depression and guilt going on about your child that is much greater than any cultural issues. I mean this in a non critical way having experienced a metric shitload of issues, challenges, spousal challenges, and my own personal issues dealing with autism, my child and my family. It impacts both work and personal life (and that goes without saying your child’s life). Schooling can be a bitch even in well funded liberal school districts.
Is your child getting professional help? Your child needs a lot of services and ABA is the only one that I’m aware of that is clinically proven to help (and how much it helps varies on the child, when intervention takes place and a host of other factors).
