I could fill several pages with the history, but the short of my unenviable situation is that due to long and painful antagonism between my wife of 12 years and my mother, I am now essentially in a position of having to choose between them. Neither of them is entirely right in their position, and neither is entirely wrong, and of course I am well and truly stuck in the middle. And both have given me an ultimatum in their own way.
If forced to make a decision, I will have to side with my wife. I have had many good years with her, and she very recently gave me my first child (which is also part of the problem with my mother). But I cannot help feel very deep guilt and loss, and resentment, at essentially cutting off ties with my own flesh and blood. Oh, and I should add that my two brothers have joined in the fray, and I may lose them as well.
Anyway, I wanted to hear what Dopers thought about this. This is absolutely a no-win situation, but what would you do if you had to make a similar choice? What would your logic be?
Can you tell your mother and your spouse that you refuse to be torn apart like this and the situation needs to be resolved. If it isn’t a reprehensible situation (mother was horribly abusive to wife or visa versa) than perhaps they can work out a solution for your sake? What type of compromise would be ok for you?
I think it would be helpful if we knew a little more about why your wife, someone who claims to love you, would put you through such an ordeal. Friction between one’s wife and mother seems to be a pretty common situation (the old mother-in-law vs. wife trope), but usually it doesn’t involve having to cut ties with the family one has known from birth.
I’m so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. It’s really hard to offer advice without knowing the full story and I appreciate you may not want to churn through all the back history on an internet forum. I suspect, as you say, both sides are being unreasonable to some degree. That’s usually the case in situations like this, things are rarely black and white.
It sounds a bit like your family is over-involved with each other, with your comment about your brother’s joining in on this argument.
My first thought would be for the new life that’s been brought into this world.
If we accept the premise that the choice has to be made, you go with your wife. No question. You never made any vows to your mother, and she doesn’t need your help to raise a helpless infant. Your wife. No question.
Once you say that to your Mom, you will hopefully get an opening to insert an arbiter int he situation. The best choice is a family therapist. If the other two refuse to go, then go yourself. Look for a behavioral modification expert who can help you learn to create stronger boundaries and express to people when they have crossed a line. I suspect that your failure to do so has allowed this situation to get completely out of hand. (It’s just a guess, toss it if it doesn’t fit.)
By and large, I’d side against whoever made the ultimatum–it’s inherently unfair to ask someone to choose between you and their parent or spouse. But since they’ve apparently both given you ultimatums…I dunno what to tell you. I’d lean toward sticking with the family I chose over the one I randomly stumbled into, especially since you have a child whose needs trump all this other bullshit.
This is, of course, just general principle and may amount to so much talking from the ass depending on the situation. It would help if you could give us the broad strokes.
Yeah, I think that people’s assumptions of who’s actually causing the problems are much more indicative of their own issues than the OP’s.
I’d probably say “You need to work this out amongst yourselves, because I have no problem walking away from all of you.” and mean it. But that’s not an approach I’d actually recommend to most people, recognizing that most people aren’t me.
To most people I’d recommend that, absent any egregiously bad behavior, you side with the person you CHOSE to spend this life with, and let your mother and brothers know that you love them, but you simply can’t let them treat your wife badly. If they want to be in your life, they’ve got to suck it up. Put the choice back on them, where it belongs.
I know every situation is a bit different, but I’ve seen this go two ways.
Husband ignores conflict between wife and mother and decides they’ll work it out on their own. Everybody is very unhappy. Over time, it only gets worse. Hostilities end when a death or divorce occurs.
Husband says, explicitly, that his first loyalty must be to his wife (and child, if there is one). In every case I’ve seen personally, there is a short period of shock, and then everyone adjusts and is much happier. Wife knows that her husband has her back, the value of which IMO cannot be measured. I suppose in rare cases the mother would never adjust. In those cases, you have to decide whether you really want someone that controlling and selfish in your life. Mother or not.
I know option #2 involves some short-term pain, but I think you’d be far better off in the long run.
This is the dilemma that filled a million Ann Landers columns. I think she just called it ‘The Mother-in-Law Problem.’ I have to agree with those that point out that you were born to your mother, but you partnered with your wife and have a kid. We don’t know much about your situation, but in general it is up to your mother to show your wife (and, indirectly, you and your judgment) at the very least respect if she wants to continue to be in your lives.
Other than that, can’t tell you much. Do any of these sound like one of the scenarios plaguing your wife?
No-win situation for you maybe, but surely you’ve noticed that both of them have given you ultimatiums, and one of them will win if you make a choice. Seems like both of them are willing to risk losing you in order for a shot at winning this pissing contest.
Me? I’m nobodys pawn.
They either all knock it off and get over it or I’m gone. And I would 100% mean it.
Aye. It would certainly be nice if they could start behaving like civilized people, but every time my mother complains about Marriedbro putting his wife first, I ask her when did she (Mom) put her own husband after her parents. Answer: never.
Your mother should know that, and your wife should not be using it as a lever lest the lever jump from her hand and bonk her head, but that’s a separate problem.
My husband and mother both wanted my children to have Thanksgiving dinner with them. Neither of them would accept any compromise, and both of them blew it up into a huge issue. I had my hands full just keeping them from confronting each other, which would have made a bad situation utterly explosive. I honestly thought I’d be getting divorced afterward no matter which way it went.
A day or two later, they both fell back a step, and we got through the lousy-ass holiday. However, damage has been done.
I hope your loved ones see some reason and good luck to you.
Without more details it’s pretty hard to give advice, but generally I’m siding with everyone else. You chose your wife as an adult - one responsibility of parents is to guide their children until adulthood, and then try to support them with their choices, including life partner.
If your mother can’t or won’t do that then I guess she doesn’t get to meet her grandchild. (That, BTW, is a rather fantastic soothing balm for many a disgruntled parent.)
Your wife and your children are your future. You parents and your siblings are your past. You should choose to live in the future.
Tell your parents and your siblings you’ll always love them and you’ll welcome them back into your life at any time. But you won’t give up your wife and children for them.
This is the one I agree with. Without further information, this is the best I can do. That Biblical advice to cleave unto your spouse and none other is good stuff–no one comes before your spouse. You are a team, or you should be, and letting anyone else–including Mom–come between you is a bad idea.
There was a popular bumper sticker a few years back that read: “I Rather Be Dead Than Red!”
My thoughts when I saw it were always: Are those the only choices?
You seem to see your situation as an either/or…but as many have mentioned, without more information, no comments can be made on that.
“That” however, is where the solution (if there is one) will be found.
An accommodation…if one is possible.
According to the Bible, Solomon was once faced with a situation like this…you know, the one about the baby! His “solution” might contain the elements of a “solution” for your situation.
Tell us more…maybe someone can see the Solomon type of solution you might try.
I would say that, barring any information you’ve not posted here indicating otherwise, you’ve already chosen your wife. You don’t live with your mom. You don’t have sex with your mom. You don’t lie in bed at night with your mom and plan for the future. You don’t want to raise kids with your mom. Unless your wife is completely out of line (like if she punched your mom for wearing red to your wedding or something) you need to side with her and my guess is that a big part of the problem you are running into is your wife feeling insecure because her husband hasn’t backed her up yet. You need to tell your mom and your wife both that, while you believe they are both equally right and equally at fault, your wife is your wife and you will always side with her no matter what. It isn’t a matter of choosing sides. You did that already with the “forsaking all others” bit at the wedding.
