I really don’t think you need to go into the details. I think that publicly (IOW to your mother and siblings), you chose your wife over your mother. In private, you make it clear to your wife that you are a team. Your commitment to her is that you will always have her back and chose her over your mother. You have the responsibility to tell mom that you will not tolerate her treating your wife badly. Her commitment to YOU is to not put you in the middle. Teammates don’t make the other suffer.
I can see it both ways. There are plenty of reasons to get divorced, so the wife isn’t always correct. But anything other than that, your wife is the one you choose above everyone else.
From the OP, I’m going to take two guesses based on the “first child (which is part of the problem)” line:
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Your wife is black/minority and your mom’s a racist. Mom: “Oh great, why don’t you go have a bunch of nigger babies with her?!” Wife: “Your mom’s an ugly-hearted, evil person.” OP: “She’s not so bad. She’s loving and caring enough to have raised me!”
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Your wife cheated on you. Mom: “How do you even know it’s yours?”, Wife: “But we were going through tough times. It’s all better now. I’ll never do it again.” OP: “I love my wife, even if she isn’t perfect.”
Truthfully, it’s hard to see a situation where one of them isn’t wrong and you’re just rationalizing it away. I think you should tell us what the issue is, so we can better advice you.
I can kind of understand your wife’s point of view and her ultimatum. It is not surprising, I’m sure that many wives have looked to their husbands to cut ties with their mother.
Is your mother really asking you to leave your wife and child? This seems a bit odd and out of character of most mothers I know. Sure there are lots of mothers that don’t like their daughter in laws, and think less of them…but you don’t hear too many of them wanting their sons to leave their wives and kids and come home to momma.
I think you have to give your own ultimatum, to your wife: “I love you and obviously we are a team, first and foremost, but, regardless of the logic of it, I want to continue to have some sort of relationship with my mother. This is something I want, not what I feel like I have to do, or that I am obligated to do. What are some terms of that relationship that you could live with?”
As far as terms go, I’d suggest things like agreeing to meet your mom once a month (or season, or year) in a neutral location for a meal, agreeing to call her from the office, agreeing that you won’t discuss your wife with your mother in any way, nor will you discuss your mother with your wife, agreeing not to discuss anything else that’s a touchy subject (like your marriage or your finances)–the details are really dependent upon the nature of the quarrel.
Is your wife mad at your mom, or does she dislike your relationship with your mother? I ask this because I had a friend in college who had a complicated relationship with her mother and after interacting with her mom she turned into a total emotional bitch and was impossible to live with for at least a day: every interaction was emotionally devestating to her, and it was hell to watch her go through it–both out of sympathy for her and because she would, in her pain and rage, lash out at the people around her. If this is that sort of thing–where your wife objects to your relationship, not just your mother–then it is going to be more complicated.
Go with the wife she’s your future.
Your obligation is to your wife and child.
Without more info it is tough to give advice. Believe me you won’t lose your family that easily. They will adjust. It will be on your terms and what is in the best interest of your wife and child.
Your wife and child are your family now.
I would always and forever choose my wife.
We don’t know (or ever will know) the reality in the situation. For all i know your behaviour could be contributing to the ‘war’ between those women, pushing them to this ultimatum.
For me, it would depend a great deal on what the conflict was, and what each party was asking for. It changes matters a great deal if something like spousal or child abuse, or alcohol or drug addiction, is involved. Remember, isolating the victim from their other friends and family is a classic tactic of an abuser.
Even if it weren’t a situation like that, my answer would depend on which party (if either) is being reasonable. If Mr. Neville’s mother were insisting on going over our finances, for example, that isn’t a reasonable thing for a mother to do with an adult child who she is not supporting financially. It wouldn’t be reasonable of me to insist that we spend all holidays with my family.
You say you and your wife are new parents. Is the problem some sort of disagreement about parenting? Either side could be being unreasonable here, of course. Some new parents try very hard to be perfect parents, and maybe the mother wants to do something that doesn’t fit in with their idea of perfect parenting. In that case, I’d say drop the idea of perfect parenting, unless your mom’s insisting on something that really will harm the baby in an immediate and obvious way.
A wife who seriously expected me to sever ties with my mother is one that I’d be having severe doubts about my own future with.
I say that as a married man, from whose wife such a demand would be so out of character that I honestly don’t know how I’d respond.
That doesn’t really answer your question, but I can’t get on board with all of these “Choose your wife, period,” comments.
Your child. Since your child is tied to your wife, your wife.
Without the child, you would still be in a position to choose. But now you aren’t. Unless you were going to choose to leave your wife for reasons that had nothing to do with your mother and only to do with your wife and were so intolerable that you’d put your kid though divorced parents (which isn’t the worst thing, but isn’t generally the best either).
Boy oh boy, now I’m reeeeally curious about the details of this feud. Endemic, please, post back and let us know what’s up, and how things are going! I think some of the previous posters raised very pertinent questions.
My own two cents is that you should side with whoever did not start out by pressuring you to take sides. A further two cents: the priority here should be the welfare of the new child. Once that’s figured out, all else should fall into place.
In response to brad_d, I have bigger issues with the idea of a mother who seriously expected her son to sever ties with his own wife. That goes quadruple for a new mother.
It’s really hard to say without knowing the details of the situation, but I just can’t believe your only choice is to dump your wife or dump your mother.
If there’s a high level of antagonism between the two of them, that may preclude them having a relationship, but it doesn’t preclude you having a relationship with them separately. Unless your mother’s been abusive, why can’t you continue to see her apart from your wife?
Unless there’s something extreme going on here, their ultimatums aren’t reasonable. My relationship with my mother-in-law deteriorated over time, but I certainly never would have insisted that my husband cut off contact. That would have been bad for him, and bad for our children.
You need to think long and hard before you decide to cut off your mother and extended family. If you do, you’re depriving your child of a relationship with his (her?) grandmother and uncles. If it’s not for an extremely good reason, it’s cruel to your mother and to your child. Your wife not liking your mom isn’t sufficient reason. She is your wife, and she should come first, but that doesn’t mean she has control of all of your other relationships.
Your wife. And grow a spine while you’re there.
Endemic, make with the DIT already! 
Hi everyone,
Thanks for some fantastic inputs, from both sides. I really appreciate the insight.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be coy about the details. It’s just that there is 12 years of history and it is long and tiring to write it out. And I am only sleeping 4 hours a night! 
But here is a very brief synopsis.
Yes, my wife is of another race and religion, and I met and married her abroad. Our problems have been there since after our marriage and have already resulted in two periods of several years of us not speaking. Both times I was the one to reestablish links. We have now again hit a rough spot.
My mom’s issues probably center around losing her son and resulted in her never accepting my wife, sometimes blatantly (“I don’t like that you married a non-Christian”) and but usually more subtly. Our complaints were mostly about her exclusion tactics and lack of warmth, but also occasional backhanded comments and insinuations about my wife, her family, and her country. My mother is very happy to have a grandchild (her first), but clearly wants to be in her life while continuing to exclude my wife. Being the pacifist I am, I tried to live with the barbs, but each of them wounded my wife, and they had a cumulative effect. So whereas I was willing to look the other way as long as possible, my wife was not. So this translated to long and difficult fights with my wife after each interaction with my mom. Now with our daughter in the picture, we can add my wife’s protective instinct to the mix, and her reactions have magnified accordingly.
In fairness, I should add that my wife can be stubborn and insecure, and gives my mother very little benefit of the doubt. I don’t think that she has caused many offenses herself, but her attitude does not make things better.
I should qualify what I meant by ‘ultimatum.’ As far as I know, my mother was happy with the status quo of interactions amongst the four of us. But my wife wasn’t and basically insisted that I confront my mother, demanding that either she change her ways or she would not be permitted to have contact with her granddaughter. My wife is OK (I think) for me to continue bilateral contact with my mother, but she herself and our daughter would be off limits. However, based on my past experiences with my mother, I knew that raising these issues, even if I did it very gently, could well result in escalation and breaking off all communications. Neither of them has demanded that I leave the other, but my choices were either to do nothing and have misery at home, or to raise the issues with my mother and very likely start a third cold war. It is obvious that denying my mother access to her granddaughter would be very provocative. As for my brothers, my policy has been never to burden them with the details of our conflict. My mother has not had the same policy.
For information, this weekend I wrote a long, detailed, and pretty gentle email to my mother (past experience shows that a phone call about this would heat up too quickly). In the email I explained our concerns and said that I hoped we could sort things out for the sake of a healthy relationship. Four days now have passed, and no response.
So you can see it is pretty complicated. I have done what my wife has asked and am not optimistic about what the consequences will be. I have chosen sides, but understandably feel pretty crappy about things….
It’s really not complicated honey. If your mom would cut you off because you insist that she not be a bitch to your wife, well… fuck her.
You let somebody speak to your wife like that for over a decade and never told the old biddy to go fuck herself? Good God, man, get down on the ground and kiss your wife’s feet for not leaving you years ago.
Endemic - Having heard the whole story, I don’t see that you have much choice but to support your wife. She shouldn’t have to put up with your mother’s behaviour. And frankly, if you were to allow your mother access to your child, she’s probably try to poison the child’s mind, too.
It doesn’t sound like your marriage is any too sound to begin with. To bring into a mother who denigrates your wife, her family, her culture and her religion, will just continue to cause stress. And if your mother doesn’t feel that contact with you and her grandchild are worth changing her behaviour, then she’s the one who has made the decision to cut herself off.
StG