Actually, she’s being paid to babysit and to provide food for the twin toddlers only and the food is for several feedings a day. No spying involved, thank you. You might want to read the thread from the beginning before you make any accusations like that. Given that their front door is 5 feet from ours and their back yard is adjacent from, and visible from, our back yard, there is plenty of mutual interaction going on as a matter of simple proximity.
In fact, our relationship with these neighbors initially got off to a rocky start because the oldest child kept losing his keys and when no other of his family members were at home, he frequently was at our door, asking us to let him into our home so he could access his back yard via our yard. That got old pretty quick when it happened 3-4 times a week. Eventually he learned to keep his keys somewhere secure and it was in our conversations with the family over this that we learned that they needed a babysitter for their twin toddlers.
Frankly, I think most of the judging here is coming from you.
My wife has been very direct (she can’t help being that way, it is cultural), honest and open with this family and they so far seem to appreciate it very much. The father has told us that he wishes his mother in law (the grandmother mentioned here) had my wife’s skills and inclinations because he has not seen his twins this happy, well fed and content before this arrangement started 3-4 weeks ago.
The babysitters the family employed before this to look after the twin toddlers would neither cook for them, nor were inclined to change their diapers very often. The family knows they are getting a good deal with my wife being as conscientious and efficient as she is.
Let me make this clear: we don’t agree with the family’s lifestyle choices, be it in cleanup or diet; but obviously they have the right to be who they are. The mother has 3-4 days off a week and the father 2-3 days off a week. The grandmother is over there 3-4 times a week but does no cooking or other chores, at least that we’ve seen while we’ve been over there. Even when they are home, they’d rather see my wife feeding their toddlers than cooking for them, themselves.
The twins’ parents and grandmother have repeatedly been shown by my wife how to cook simple broths and vegetable soups for the twins and they have again and again declined to do this because it is too much bother. They’d rather eat takeout, prepared and junk snack food and that is what most of them eat. No problemo, it’s their right.
We simply wish to see those twin toddlers getting good nutrition and adequate supervision and that is what they are paying my wife for. We can’t change the family’s ways but as long as they are interested in having my wife there to feed and look after their twins, we will do what we can.
gunnergoz, please don’t let them get to you. What your wife is doing is amazing and I just want to say ‘thank you’ for looking out for the welfare of children who need some extra care.
The “it’s cultural!” stuff is getting old. The neighbor isn’t the way she is because she’s American. It’s because that’s the way she is. There are plenty of do-it-all mothers who have never taken a step out of the country. Your wife could tone it down (whatever you want “it” to be), just like the neighbors could snap into shape. No one is helpless to change.
And stop putting all the blame on the mother. My father was a do-it-all dad much more than my mother was a do-it-all mother. He cooked dinner more nights than not, and he wasn’t above picking stuff off the floor or telling the kids to do it. He did everyone’s laundry, in addition to yardwork. Both of them need to do better, not just the mother.
If the situation is as bad as you describe, it is not good. But I do know that things always look crappy if you’re starting off from an ideal place. If your wife wants the babies to get fed nutritious food, the only way that’s going to happen is if she makes enough for everyone in that house. That sucks and is no doubt an inconvenience for her, but if she continues to live in the world of “shoulda coulda”, she will go crazy.
I appreciate that many forum posters have had an interest in sharing their comments, support and opinions and I thank you all for those. I can also see that the thread has gotten long enough that some folks are either not reading it from the beginning or are missing key points made here as the conversation progressed. That’s no big deal, it happens all the time; It would be nice if they read it through before they start making rash judgements and posting them here, because many of their concerns have been addressed in previous posts. But this being the internet, we all don’t have the time to do this, etc., etc. Such is life and such is the internet.
@Monstro- This involves more than just the mother: all three adults in the family, father, mother and grandmother, have all declined to learn and do simple recipes my wife has demonstrated for them in their own kitchen, that would improve the twins’ diet.
However, for now this family seems content to pay my wife to:
simply babysit the twins for 10-hours a day, 3 or 4 days a week and,
cook several meals (on most days) for the twins.
Since we live next door, it is no trouble to pop over with the cooked containers of food. As long as we remain neighbors and the arrangement meets this family’s needs, we are happy to accommodate them. It is a win-win.
As I’ve said before, the family has no interest in having my wife to cook for the entire family, since they all have their own dietary preferences and are not inclined to change them.
Monstro, regarding the “culture” comments, culture is in fact very relevant, but here I am speaking of my wife’s culture; my wife does see things differently, having been raised in a very traditional old world society that is far more homogenous than is ours in America. American culture, I think we can all agree, has enormous diversity and more individual variations than do the cultures in many other nations. In fact you can argue that, when it comes to family, there is no “one” American culture, but a great many, sometimes jumbled together in one family. I certainly know that - and my wife is still learning what that means in reality. My frustrations arise in watching her have to learn some things the hard way. But that’s married life.
I concede that “spying” was probably a bad choice of words. Allow me to rephrase; she’s not being paid to wring her hands and fret about what that family is doing during the hours she’s not “on duty”. She chooses to do that all on her own.
My point is that these people aren’t actually responsible for your wife’s distress. She is. She could very easily fix the problem by either removing herself from the situation, or by accepting that sometimes things can be different than how she’d do it, and still be fine. That’s not “cultural”, that’s a maturity issue.
But if it’s driving your wife nuts, it is NOT a win-win. She isn’t getting paid to let these people into her headspace all the time. She can be a good care-giver without getting too attached.
That’s why I think–if she’s as bothered by all of this as you’re making it out to be–that she needs to do some other stuff.
Why is any possible issue/criticism related to things your wife does (freak out about kids playing in non-Chernobyl mud, believe there’s some reason it’s bad to give them cold milk, being “direct”) able to be dismissed by saying it’s her culture or how she was raised, but that’s not an acceptable explanation for your neighbors’? Especially since you say you know America is not a monoculture.
You say you understand it and your wife is trying to, but I don’t think you really do, either. Your opinions of your neighbors’ behavior seem just as negative as your wife’s, like they are objectively wrong or failing as parents, rather than just culture clash.
Btw, being “very direct” can be considered rude and boorish by many; I’d say on par, “grievous-wise”, with the issues your wife is appalled at. If I knew someone who came over to the US and brought their "quite direct"ness with them, and they waved it away by saying it’s just how their culture is*? I’d think they were a bit of a douche for expecting another culture to bend over backwards to accommodate their behavior instead of trying to change it while over here.
please note I’m not thinking your wife has done this. I think as a duo, you do. She has the potentially-off putting cultural behavior while you excuse it for her (in this thread, anyway).
One thing people are missing here is the fact that my wife is also a grandma and the same age as the grandmother in this family. We are not talking about some great age disparity at all. Part of my wife’s adjustment here is the fact that not all grandmothers are as caring or as competent as she is when it comes to domestic chores like cooking and taking care of small children. Where she comes from grandmothers are fundamental to family survival and central to daily life, but in the USA the grandmother is sometimes a more independent character with a life of her own.
We also have a lot of Iraqi Christians living nearby and they too have all sorts of cultural adjustments to make now that they are in the USA, just as my wife has found to be true.
Some Americans are quick to say that it is not about culture, it is about personality and individuals, but that is more true in the USA than it is in other countries, where values and behaviors are more homogenous across the general population.
I’m not saying it’s not culture. I’m saying that it’s not ALL about culture. And no one is programmed by their culture such that they can’t change their reactions to stuff.
This could easily be about your American wife dealing with some trifling immigrant neighbors. The advice you’d get would be the exact same: It’s a shame but what are you gonna do? You can’t fix them so to keep your sanity you have to fix yourself. This means accepting that the neighbors are trifling, now and forever. Either deal with it and hope that the babies grow up to be better people with you around. Or cut off all ties and hope they never knock on your door ever again.
Driving yourself crazy is the price of caring too much. Sad to say, but that means the solution is not to care so much. Just be a good neighborhood and be available as much as you’d like to be. If your wife chooses to be a saint and deal with foolishness above and beyond what her babysitting fee compensates for, she’s choosing to be crazy all on her own.
Monstro, I understand well what you are saying, thanks. My wife is making adjustments of course - and this is a dynamic, ongoing situation. She has to change or be stressed out of her mind…and she is changing.
What makes it in part interesting, I think, is that she faces all the issues any immigrant faces in adapting to a new country. Hardly a new phenomenon and yet every immigrant has to handle it in their own unique way. It is easier for some than for others. I love her for who she is, including her values and innate personality - and obviously she has to adjust, and is adjusting, over time.
Frankly, I do not see her changing many of her fundamental beliefs, but rather, with time and experience, she becomes more tolerant of variations from these beliefs and accepting that this is part of her life today in a new country. I don’t ever expect to see her less concerned about a neighbor’s children, or to change her gut reactions to something, but do see in her new ways of evaluating and reacting to any given situation. You and I agree there, absolutely.
I do not for an instant why you believe this is a cultural matter. If all parents in the Ukraine were fantastic parents it’d be a hell of a lot nicer country than it is.
Maybe I missed something, but do the parents even know that the grandmother ate food that was made for the toddlers? I don’t see anything that indicates that they do, and that seems to be the thing bothering your wife the most.
If I were paying someone to cook food for my kids and one of my parents ate it (I’m actually having a lot of trouble imagining this), I’d hit the roof.
I guess you don’t know much about Ukraine or its culture and traditions then. I’d go there first before making comments like that. In fact most families raise children very well there. Unfortunately, the culture also rewards adult men for being predatory and selfish. Even if a parent tries to buck this and raise boys to be responsible men (and I know many such good men over there), the odds are the good guys will end up working for absolute d!cks.
Many Americans simply cannot fathom that other societies can be entirely unlike their own, in values and in behavior. When they do concede this, it is usually with a dismissive comment, like here.
It was “resolved” as a “misunderstanding.” Since then, the family’s grandmother seems to come over to see them somewhat less often. The family doesn’t seem to miss her that much. They know who is doing the better job looking after their twins now.
Those kids (and parents) are so lucky to have your wife. I am not a natural mother. I’m a bad housekeeper and poor at providing structure. Knowing that these things about myself are difficult to change, and not wanting my children to suffer from them, I hired a housekeeper for cleaning, and chose a babysitter (adult woman) who was good with loving, but no-nonsense, structure. Looks like these parents are doing something similar. My teenage kids still stay in e-mail touch with their caregiver from many years ago. They exchange birthday/holiday greetings and get together a couple of times a year. She was an important part of their childhood and they are better for having her in their life.