Certain conversational openers strike fear into my heart.
About ten years ago, my husband called me at work to ask, “How much do you love me?” (He had broken a door and tipped over the Christmas tree in an attack of stupendous clumsiness.)
About five years ago, my husband called me at work to say, “When you get home, you can help me finish cutting my hair!”
Both of these were things I considered fairly scary ways to start conversations. But today topped them. My husband is out of state visiting, and this morning he started our phone conversation like this:
“What does it mean if one side of your face goes numb?”
GAH!
Apparently it’s been numb for a little while. He has instructions to go to the ER if the numbness spreads or [fill in signs of stroke], and he already had a doctor’s appointment for next week, but this is the current leader in “things I do not want my husband to say to start a conversation.”
Ah yes…every few weeks, my wife will lead off with an ever-so-sweet “Do you love me?”…when I respond in the affirmative, she comes back with “Do you really love me?”. That’s when I know a bomb is about to drop. Either she want to spend way too much money on something, or she’s decided that a major home remodel is in order.
Oh course, the answer to every question is “Yes”, and every idea is “Sure, ok”. She’s worth it.
As to your husband’s story, I have that happen every now and then after a sneeze. It’ll make half my face go numb for a couple of minutes…bizarre.
This correlates somewhat. Me muvver has a really bad habit of giving emails non-specific yet ominous titles, like: “Your grandfather.” Who is 90, and very frail. So of course I think he is done for. I can’t think of any other examples, but she is a pro.
The other day she sent me an email titled ‘please print for your records.’ It contained a very specific outline of their (she and Dads’) last will and testament, down to including who got what jewelry. This is from a woman who for years wouldn’t even tell me if they had living wills or had given anyone their medical power of attorney, saying it was none of my business. I think she does these things on purpose to keep me on my toes.
She is the epitome of old Yankee closemouthedness. She considers it the height of rudeness to be asked who she voted for, among many examples. If you asked her what her religion was, she would give you a look that would freeze Long Island Sound.
The worst thing that I have ever heard over the telephone is the message that a loved one has died.
Unfortunately, with my wife’s family in Brazil, this is exactly how we find out about each death; her mom, her dad, and uncle, a cousin…
I made it crystal clear with our help desk staff at work that they are never to call my home phone number, only my cell, else my wife might panic at a 3am call.
About the numbness… I get that from migraines (and I got it checked out by a neurologist to verify that this was the case). Sure was scary the first time around, but once I knew exactly what it was I don’t worry about it. Hopefully his case is benign as well (needless to say, see a doc)
About the numbness - might be Bell’s Palsy. I had this once, it’s apparently completely harmless and usually goes away by itself (although I think they gave me some steroids or something). I thought I’d had a stroke! It felt and looked kind of like the aftermath of a long session with a dentist and novocaine.
Roddy
I’ve never gotten the news of a death of a loved one which would certainly be worse, but the most awful one that I’ve gotten was an automated reverse 911 call telling me that we had to immediately evacuate because of a wildfire. When I looked out the window there was a huge fire less than a mile away and headed toward us. It was terrifying.
Last year I answered the phone at about 3 a.m. to hear one of my son’s friends chirp merrily into the phone: “He’s okay! He’s really ok! He wrecked his car, but he’s ok!”. Um, if he’s so O.K. why didn’t HE call?
He did actually call me the night he got car-jacked. That was also not something I wanted to hear but at least I knew he was alright, although I ended up taking him to the hospital so they could sew him up.
I suggested that might be it. He’d never heard of it, but I thought I might have had it a few years ago. I was at work and suddenly my mouth wasn’t quite right. Mine went away after about two days–before I went to the doctor–so I still don’t know if that was it.
I did that to my mom. Apparently your 16-year-old on the other end of the phone saying, “I’m find and I wasn’t driving” isn’t as reassuring to a parent as I thought it’d be.
My then-11-year-old son called me at work with this opening line: “Mom, can you stop on your way home and get a bunch of gauze and some really big bandaids?”
Go Cart, home made by 4 boys of a similar age, with no breaks, (no breaks on the cart or on the boys, luckily) and a steep hill leading down to the lake is NOT a good combination.
Freshman year, my boyfriend’s friend got really, really sick and was dehydrated enough that they had to take him to the hospital. My boyfriend took the guy’s cellphone and found his parents’ number, and called them- I’m sure they were thrilled to hear “Hi…I live across the hall from your son…we’re on the way to the hospital- but he’s okay!”
I was house sitting for my parents who were in Australia (there house was and is in Houston). I got to wake them up (middle of the day in Houston, middle of the night in Australia) with this comment:
“Do you have flood insurance on the house, because your going to need it!”
My dad just got “Come to the hospital immediately - your daughter has been in a car accident!” (I was biking to school, and an idiot driver edged me nearly off the road - the choices were going headfirst into a tree, or falling onto my left wrist, into the street. I chose the latter.)
Luckily I just ended up with a hairline wrist fracture. By the time Dad made it to the hospital, my wrist was in a cast and I was bored out of my mind. His reaction? “Oh, is it just your wrist?”
I get concerned anytime I hear the words, “Do you have a minute?” “We need to talk,” or “Are you in the car?”
Most times a conversation starts like that with someone other than my husband, someone has died, someone is calling to tell me someone is extremely ill or someone needs to tell me something so awful that they don’t want me to run into another car.
However, my husband has a gift for starting out conversations like that and then continuing with, “Daycare asked me to let you know that our son needs more diapers,” “I need to talk to you about what we’re having for dinner,” or “Can you stop by the grocery for me?”
My wife had a nasty habit of starting conversations with, “Everything’s going to be okay, but…” for a while until I told her to knock it off. She’s also used, “Don’t panic, but,” “Don’t be mad, but,” and, “If you don’t have a fucking brownie in your hand when you come home, don’t bother.”*
The last one was scariest of all.
No, my wife is not actually a shrew. It was a joke. Still, I came home with a brownie from the bakery around the corner.
Caller ID can cause scares, too. Years ago I was about 7 months pregnant when my husband had to have a sudden, emergency surgical procedure done. After they whisked him away to the OR I used the waiting room phone to call his parents and then mine, long distance. Nobody answered at my parents’ house, and I thoughtlessly hung up without leaving a message.
So my mother comes home and checks her caller ID and sees a number for “Huntsville Hospital” with no message, and panics and proceeds to call everybody in town trying to find us. She thought something had happened to me and the baby.