On the train this afternoon (around 2:00 pm), a woman in her late teens/early twenties broadcast to the carriage the following half of a conversation. It doesn’t take too much to fill in the other half.
God bless mobile phones (I guess most of you call them ‘cell phones’, but you know what I mean)
Please allow me to fill in the other end of the conversation, as I imagine it:
** Good morning honey! You looked so peaceful in bed that I slipped out without waking you this morning. You were mumbling something and snuggling into the pillow. What were you dreaming about?**
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
** Well, I bet that dream is symbollic of something. Shall we eat in tonight or hit a restraunt?**
“I don’t know”
** I know you have a busy day today right, you’re meeting with the people from…?**
“Jagermeister”
** Oh yes! That’s right. Shall I sent Bernard over in the Rolls to pick you up?**
Eh, what the hell… I’ll try.
Honey, where the heck are you? It’s 4:30.
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
So you’re on the beach… without your pants… Are you sleepwalking again?
“I don’t know”
Well, I’m going to set you up an appointment this week to see a doctor. I’ll head to the pharmacy this afternoon and pick up something for a temporary fix. Any recommendations?
“Jagermeister”
Hmm… Is that a new sleep aid? I haven’t heard of that one. But okay. I’ll pick some up this afternoon… So did you wander off far? Do you need me to pick you up?
Hey, hey Lori!, it’s Ari – remember me? Well, maybe not, but you do remember blowing me at Sundance in ’97 right? Good times. But let’s forget about business for one moment and talk about pleasure. A little birdie told me that you have a script in the works for Miramax. The new Tarantino picture. So which project is it? Just give me a title Lori, all I need is a title…C’mon Lori, I never used to have to wait this long for relief from you. …Just. Tell. Me. The. Motherfucking. Title.
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
**That’s the one with J-Lo, right? On second thoughts, don’t answer that.
Look, Vince is prefect for the male lead here. No one’s banged more butts on the beach than Vince – he’s a natural. He’s like the German army at Normandy. OK, bad example. Let me re-phrase that, would Quentin take a look at Vince for the lead, Lori?**
“I don’t know”
You don’t know!! What the fu… …. Wait a minute, is Terrance there with you? If Terrance is there just say the word ‘Jagermeister’.
“Jagermeister”
**Alright. Remember what I told you Lori when I first got you that high-paying, star-banging job that you love so much? I told you that you owe me. And I’m calling in that debt like a mutherfuck. You still work for me Lori, and I want you to work Tarantino like he’s never been worked before, Do you understand me Lori? Is there going to be any problem here? **
I was on the subway platform a few weeks ago when I began to overhear half a phone conversation.
Nothing as good as “waking up on the beach without my pants” but a “girl talk” thing – waking up with some guy, he never called me, etc.
I start looking around and I don’t see anyone nearby talking on a cellphone.
Then I look up, and realize the conversation is coming through the speakers on the subway platform, the clerk in the booth had obviously bumped some switch during her long personal phone conversation.
I turned to whoever was next to me and said “Oh goody, they’re providing entertainment while we wait”.
You’re the hotshot writer. What do you think Charlie should say when he walks through the door?" "I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants"
Yeah, like that isn’t cliche enough. And what does Allen reply? "I don’t know"
Did you work out the product placement of the week? "Jagermeister"
Come on, give me a good reply for Allen
**Nah, I’m no my way to work now". **
Mommy, I had to go to bed in a dark house by myself and I was ever so worried about you. Now that Daddy is in Iraq, I was so alone and scared and hungry. I know you told me I couldn’t use the stove until I turned 10. Where were you?"
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
But Mommy, I’m still home alone and I think I hear someone on the porch. What should I do?
“I don’t know”
The water from the faucet is still brown and you haven’t been to the store in a long time. No apple juice, no milk. What can I find to drink?
“Jagermeister”
Please, Mommy. Now I hear the door knob jiggling around and the lights just went out. Come home right away.
Nah, I’m no my way to work now".
Years ago…in the bad old days of analog cell phones, a friend of mine had a scanner receiver. it would pick up conversations, and we would amuse ourselves listening to the bizarre conversations. On stuck in my mind…it was two guys talking in some kind of code-they referred to “Bs” and "T"s-I think theywere talking about some illegal substances. at any rate, the fun lasted till digital phones came out…damn!:smack:
"So, Century 21 must be real proud of you, closing that deal for the million-dollar house. Did the buyer take you out for a beer like he promised? What happened?"
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
"Will you still get the commission?"
“I don’t know”
"Wow, you sound really spaced out. What kind of beer does that?"
“Jagermeister”
"Well, take care until you get your head back together. Are you going to work today?"
ER Doc: Sir? Sir! Do you know where you are? What’s the last thing you remember?
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
ER Doc: Okay. Do you know where you are, sir?
“I don’t know”
ER Doc: Nurse, start 5% saline and I’ll need a toxicology report. Sir, we need you to drink some contrast for a CAT scan to see if you have hemmorhaging. Which flavor would you prefer?
“Jagermeister”
ER Doc: The General OR nurse just called and says you’re due in for surgery in 20 minutes, doctor. I’ll tell them you need to reschedule.
“Nah, I’m on my way to work now”.