The worst was about a fungus that was conducted by the caller from the bathroom stall next to mine while she was going #2.
The weirdest was the one where a woman indicated that her grandfather had once been bitten by a monkey. I kind of lost it there, so I don’t remember the rest.
As for the OP’s, hmmmmm…
Picture it. Sicily, 1959. A beautiful young girl, a handsome, dark man standing in the sunlight. The two kiss. The girl shies away, suddenly demure. The man convinces her to walk with him, to look at the ocean and discuss their future. She doesn’t come home that night, but when she comes home the next morning and her mother asks where she was, she says…
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
…
That’s exactly right. Without her pants. The cur had the audacity to promise her everything, only to use her pants and throw them away. And what do you think happened next?
“I don’t know”
Many years later, the man returned. The girl, now an old woman, greeted him at her door. To her amazement, the man was as hale and hearty as he had been all those years ago when he’d stolen her pants. How have you not aged? The woman demanded.
“Jagermeister”
That’s right. He’d been drinking Jagermeister all those decades. The moral of the story? There’s nothing on this earth that cheap booze can’t do. Now, would you like to visit your mom and have a shot?
"Hey, Katie, wasn’t that a great Election Night party? I saw you sneak off with that 'way hot county commissioner from upstate, but jeez, it’s been three days now. Where the hell’ve you been? "I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants."
“Oh… my… freakin’… God. Are you serious? Holy shit!!! Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. How many times did you guys, you know, do it? Once? Twice? Eight dozen?” "I don’t know."
“Say no more. Knowing you, you were probably, like, totally drunk. What’s the last thing you remember slurping? Other than semen, I mean.” "Jagermeister."
“I knew it. Hey, why don’t you come over now and tell me all about it? My boyfriend said he’d let you blow him, too.” "Nah, I’m on my way to work now."
"Congratulations, this is DJ JM and you are the 1000th caller. Now, answer this one question and the prize will be yours. What is your favorite country song? "
"I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants"
“Awesome! Nice choice. I bet there’s a great story behind that. Care to tell us?”
"I don’t know"
Haha, ok ok. So, who is your favorite DJ?
"Jagermeister"
That’s right! JM is here bringing you the low down on the high times with that classic rock sound. Now that you’ve won, are you ready to go to the concert!?
Oh man, this could be 1920s Style Death Ray epic… "Holy shit, Holly, I can’t believe it! It’s been 3 days! I was going to go to the police but I thought they’d only think I was crazy. Oh, shit, Thank god you’re okay. Jesus, Holly… What’s the first thing you remember since the abduction?!"
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
"Oh my god. So you don’t remember anything?! The hovering craft? The bright lights? The loud noise? And they took your pants. [gasps] Good lord, you don’t think they ass-probed you, do you?"
“I don’t know”
"Hrmm, well, on a scale from Wine Cooler to Jagermeister, what does your rectum feel like?"
“Jagermeister”
"Jesus, Holly! It’s just so good to hear from you. I should leave right now to come and get you, we should really get you down to the ER, to see if they’ve impregnated you with anything. You could have something growing inside you!"
“Nah, I’m on my way to work now.”
"Wow, I knew there was a reason I hired you – always a go-getter. Besides, after 3 days, there’s a shit-load of work piled up on your desk."
I ride the bus twice daily. I hear great conversations.
“I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a naughty lush.”
“Any one mind if I have a beer? I’ve already had a six pack (it’s 8am :eek:) You know you can’t go to rehab sober!”
“You know that tuberculosis is coming back right? I just got out of King County jail and they are having problems with it. That MRSA too. But don’t worry I’m clean.”
The guy begging his mom for a loan was pretty sad really.
I’ve heard drug deals brokered. Even wrote the guys number down somewhere. Just in case.
A full dissertation on quantum theory and its relation to SPF which I later learned was for ‘sun protection factor’ because the guy was certain that the governtment was messing with sun block lotion and it had something to do with quantum physics. – this person was talking to himself
I’ve got more somewhere. I started writing down the really funny ones.
I’ve often thought to myself if I needed an idea for a character or dialogue that a few hours spent on the 3, 4, 7, or 49 bus here would be an endless supply of material.
One evening, a couple of weeks ago, I overheard a pregnant girl on the bus having a phone conversation, but only caught bits and pieces of what she was saying. When she hung up, she turned toward an older woman, who I think was a relative of hers. This is their post-phone call conversation:
Older woman: So, you talked to the lawyer?
Younger woman: Yeah.
Older woman: So, what did he say?
Younger woman: He said [guy’s name] should be OK as long as he surrenders.
I also overheard, at one of the places where I go to lunch, some guy talking about his wife over the phone. Something along the lines of “Yeah, she’s always going out with her man-hating divorced friends, and they’re putting ideas in her head.”
I was going into the gas station as a heavily tattooed, twenty something guy was walking out. As we passed he said into his cell phone " I’ll just get rid of my dog, then." The way someone might say “I’ll wear the blue shirt then.”
Well well well, Mr Bond, it looks as if I have you right where I want you. Nyehehehe! You poor predictable sap, always bedding the nearest broad who bats her pretty eyelashes in your direction. Do you know where you went wrong, Mr Bond?
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
Without your pants, and without the command codes to deactivate my death ray. Nyehehehe! There’s nothing you can do to stop it now! Do you know why?
“I don’t know”
Those command codes were a red herring! There is only one secret deactivation code that only I know. You fell right into my trap! Nyehehe! All the world’s leaders will tremble as I can reduce cities to ashes in the blink of an eye! And now nothing can stop me, except for…
“Jagermeister”
…N-no…No! How did you…the secret deactivation code…! But…but how?! This is…this is impossible!! My impenetrable plan, ruined!! My fortress…falling apart! Curse you, Bond! What are you going to do now? Are you going to kill me?
My wife overheard this extremely memorable one-sided cellphone conversation once. It took place in the women’s restroom at a fairly expensive restaurant in Manhattan.
That woman was already in a stall when my wife entered to make use of the adjacent one. While my wife was seated, the woman’s cellphone rang, and she answered it (one of my pet peeves).
And, this being the age of Caller ID, there was no “hello, who is it?”, the woman knew who was calling her before choosing to answer. It was a man, judging by the name, and apparently either a date or a friend.
“Hey Tom. Where are you now?”
…
“Yes, that’s the right place.”
…
“Yes! I’m already here! In fact, I’ve been here for a while!”
…
“Well, I don’t know why you can’t find me!”
Seems to me we (or at least the male we) are missing the boat here. If I’d been the OP & she was cute, then after she got off the phone I’d have walked up & offered her some Jagermeister. Pure pickup gold.
Bless you for correcting the typo in the OP instead of just copying and pasting, I was enjoying the thread but my nit-picky bone was going nuts over that typo in every single post because I kept reading it exactly the way it was typed, “Nah, I’m no my way to work now”. Arggh!
A couple of months ago I was riding a pretty full bus a couple of rows behind a loudmouthed businessman talking what sounded like a secretary/assistant. He proceeded to state, loudly, and slowly, his entire American Express card number, expiration date, and security code.
