I stand corrected. Blame the Jagermeister!
No offense meant to you. I can tolerate the occasional typo, I’ve had my share and we’re all only human, but when it gets copied and pasted over and over and over … well, it was making me a little twitchy.
Once in a dollar general I walked by someone talking on the phone as she said “nah he don’t last that long unless I drug him”.
"Good morning Ma’am. My name’s Denise and I’m a sales representative for the Big Evil Baby-Murdering Corporation. Can I take a moment of your time to discuss your baby-murdering needs?"
“I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants”
"Ummm…okay…anyway, how much are you currently spending each year on murdering babies?"
“I don’t know”
"Come on, just a ballpark figure. $100? $200?"
“Jagermeister”
"What? Ummm…well…if you are spending more than $100 a year, you can make significant savings by switching to Big Evil."
“Nah, I’m on my way to work now”.
"Okay, thank you for your time."
Now that’s how you blow off telemarketers.
Dang. That was my favorite part; everyone just going along for the ride.
The funniest conversation I’ve ever overheard was a French Canadian talking on his cell while admiring a coonskin cap.
After describing it, there was a long pause and then suddenly he exclaimed “Well, on top of my head, of course!”
I just couldn’t stifle the laugh…
Overheard conversation…
===============================
“Did you get it?”
“How much did you get?”
“Wow! That’s a lot. That might be more than we can smoke.”
“Yeah, I guess we can always try…”
===============================
He was of course talking about salmon.
I’m off to catch another train in about fifteen minutes. Hopefully I get lucky again.
Yeah, maybe you’ll wake up on a beach without your pants. 
Not THAT again!!!
Be sure to take the Jagermeister.
Not just did I take it, I turned it into an aerosol spray!
Unfortunately, for possibly the first time in the past decade, nobody even so much as answered their phone! What’s wrong with this country?!?!
They’re on to you. No one’s ever going to talk around you again. 
I had one that I didn’t realize sounded so bad until I got off the phone and noticed people staring and backing away.
Me to an associate before a trip abroad: No, I’m positive I have yellow fever.
Me: Got it about a year ago I think, I have proof from the clinic.
Me: I don’t think it wears off, I think you have it forever, maybe just ten years.
I quickly explained at the end of the call to those now not standing next to me that I was talking about the vaccine, not the disease.
I think you heard it wrong…
Oh, God, I finally got you! I know she’s important to you, but you’ve been taking this too hard! The elk didn’t mean to knock her down. You’ve been sleeping for three days now.
Aye. Woke up. This mourning on the beech… Without my plants -
Look, you have to take your mind off her. She was a great tree but you have to move on. You’ll raise another tree - a copse.
I don’t know.
I’ll help you till the soil and we can even splurge and make quality fertilizer. I’ve heard people use soaps and beer or ammonia to make great fertilizer. Hey, wasn’t there a beer that had elk’s blood or something in it? That would show those elks!
Jagermeister.
Yeah! Look, I’ll go with you and we can pick out another beech. I just love the nuts. How do you like to eat them? … Uh, I think it would be cathartic for you. To work your way through this. But if you want me to do the work right now I’ll -
Gnaw – I’m on. My Way to work now.
So you’ll never guess what happened. I woke up this morning … with a cold sore!
"I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants"
Oh, you’re always doing that! Why do you always have “one up” me like that?
"I don't know"
Well, cut it out, OK? So anyway, I tried to get rid of the cold sore by drinking … you’ll never guess.
"Jagermeister"
No! Drain cleaner! Can you top that, bitch?
"Nah, I'm on my way to work now".
Oh, just admit it. My life is sooo much more interesting than yours!
<hijack>
Back in the 80s I knew a guy who said his favorite high was “Ts and blues”. The “T” was Talwin (a synthetic opiate) and the “blues” were some kind of antihistamine*. He would mix them and shoot them up. He claimed the combination was “as good as heroin”. Later he told me the manufacturer of Talwin had started adding something to the bufferiing agent so they were no longer water soluble. Poor junkie. I wonder if he’s still alive.
*He never said what, nor did I care, but I have always been curious if it was real or just a placebo thing. Probably why I still remember it.
<end hijack>
Good morning Doctor Oppenheimer. Thank you for taking the time to see me. I’ll be brief. Some of your colleagues are a bit concerned about your…well, let’s say security lapses. For instance, you missed the conference this morning. President Roosevelt called and asked to speak to you and I had to make up some story. Where were you?
I woke up this morning on the beach, without my pants.
What? What did you say? My god, man! The pressure of this Manhattan Project is clearly–wait a minute. We are in Los Alamos. There is no beach within hundreds of miles of here. Where was this beach?
I don’t know
This is terrible. You are turning into a great security risk. I demand that you see that new German psychiatrist we just hired; doctor…what’s his name, now? Doctor…
Jagermeister.
Yes, that’s the one. I’m sure he can sort out your emotional problems. He is in his office this morning, so get on over there and see him right now.
Nah, I’m on my way to work now.
That’s what you think, you commie nutcase. Security! Oh, security!
I unwittingly entertained a small group of municipal bus patrons not long ago…
“Yeah, it went pretty well…”
“I woke up in a driveway, wearing a centerpiece.”
“I don’t care. that was the best wedding EVER!”
The sad part is, that isn’t hyperbole. 
Ask my friend Kyle, it was his driveway.
This was my urologist on the phone while I sat in his office:
“Well, I agree, it does sound like it’s caught.”
“No, no, don’t pull any harder. I think all you’re going to do is tear the urethra and pull it inside out. You’re going to wind up with it hanging out the end of the penis.”
“I’d go in now, while the patient is still under. Why wake them up?”