Why are you assuming she didn’t?
Seemed to match the details she gave; lots of guys who she later learned were interested, but only mentions dating two and shooting down a third.
Not conclusive by any means, of course. perfectparanoia, did you make a move on any of the guys, and why, or why not?
Ok. It must be a british vs US english thing.
A Brit might imply they mean so-called when describing a man as a nice guy, but they’d probably have to hint that with their intonation.
In regular use the the term seems untarnished, at least IME.
But I guess it is a fairly facile term that I’m looking for.
To me, a nice guy is just not a jerk in how he interacts with people. He’s considerate, congenial, mature. He has his turn talking, then he gives you your turn. That’s a nice guy.
I may not know him well enough to know if he does volunteer work or whatever, which is the kind of thing that I would associate with good person.
But anyway, there are enough ways of putting it without using “nice”. Just dismayed at what’s happened to that term…
I always thought the female Nice Guy equivalent was a “Strong Woman.” Strong women, like actual nice guys, certainly exist. But you see a lot of women complaining about how they can’t hold a relationship because of how “strong” or “intelligent” they are. And while I won’t deny that some men like stupid women, it seems more likely from the way they act in general that the problem may be less the men they date and more that they’re kind of an asshole who thinks they’re better than everyone.
It’s entirely possible to not have anything against dating someone, but not particularly interested in asking them out either. I have an acquaintance that, back when I was going into high school and she was going into middle school (3 year gap) she really, really had a little girl crush on me and, like a little kid can be, was a little obnoxious and over-the-top with it. (My friend sometimes glared at her when she got too annoying, and one day when I was alone, threatened to hurt her. It was funny because she was little).
Nowadays she’s funny, shares most of my interests, has (obviously) grown up, and on top of all that is rather stunning. However, I still kind of think of her as that stalkery little kid. That said, if she for some reason asked me out, I wouldn’t be against it. Sure, we have a lot in common, we can try and see where it goes. On the other hand, because of the best I’m not particularly interested in asking her out myself.
Not to mention there are people you may not have even realized you were attracted to until they bring it up.
It’s more of an online vs offline thing. In real life I’d probably have to use “so-called” too. It’s really only on the internet the term “Nice Guy” is completely ruined.
When the term is used on the Internet in this sense, it’s nearly always capitalized, placed in scare quotes, and/or followed by a 
. These all seem to me like pretty obvious indications that a “Nice Guy” does NOT actually refer to a guy who is nice, but rather a guy who makes a big deal about describing himself as nice.
If I posted something like this:
My coworker, who’s a nice guy, asked me to fix him up with my roommate. What should I do?
I would expect a rather different response than if I posted:
My coworker, who’s a “Nice Guy”, asked me to fix him up with my roommate. What should I do?
I dunno about that. Even offline, the nice guy descriptor means you’re digging pretty deep in the grab bag for something positive to say. “You should meet Rob from Human Resources - he’s a nice guy” rings the same alarm bells as “You should me Cheryl from , a pa in my office - she’s got a great personality.” When someone opens with those, the typical Follow-up Question of Doom is “Really. What do he/she do for fun?”
True, but while describing someone as a nice guy may be damning them with faint praise (sure, he’s nice, he’s just not intelligent, interesting, funny, or attractive) it’s not the same thing as describing someone as a “Nice Guy” . I think of the former as the “nice guy, but…” as in, “he’s a nice guy, but that’s really the only good thing I can say about him.” The latter to me pretty clearly indicates that the guy in question is only nice in his own mind but spends a lot of time complaining about how his supposed niceness has failed to get him everything he desires.
In short, the “Nice Guy” is so called because he makes a big point of describing himself as a nice guy, not because the poster actually considers him to be nice.
[QUOTE=epbrown01]
Even offline, the nice guy descriptor means you’re digging pretty deep in the grab bag for something positive to say. “You should meet Rob from Human Resources - he’s a nice guy” rings the same alarm bells as “You should me Cheryl from , a pa in my office - she’s got a great personality.” When someone opens with those, the typical Follow-up Question of Doom is “Really. What do he/she do for fun?”
[/quote]
Yeah but that’s a specific context.
There are lots of descriptors that are otherwise positive that would ring alarm bells if used in isolation for describing someone. That doesn’t mean the term in general is pejorative.
Nah, this doesn’t fit because women aren’t programmed to think guys are extra attracted to strong/intelligent women. “Nice guys” feel cheated because they are taught that if they act nice to the girl, they are entitled to getting the girl. So you need to come up with a more analogous trait.
I think there is a type of woman who thinks that being pretty makes her entitled to male affection. When she doesn’t get what she is owed, instead of considering the possibility that the problem is her, she slanders his manhood. This would be the closest I can come up with to a “Nice Guy” analog.
The female nice guy is pretty similar.
She’s the woman who drops everything when she gets a one AM booty call, and complains when he doesn’t want to go on real dates with her. She’ll stick with her FWB for years, convinced that one day he’s finally going to realize the special romantic bond that they have they have. When the love fails to blossom, she makes excuses for him- he’s going through a hard time, he’s been hurt in the past, he just has a few things to work out. But she knows if she just keeps trying, there will eventually be an appropriate rom com ending.
In the meantime, the bitterness builds and when she gets drunk with her single friends, she’ll start on the train that all men are pigs who only want sex, all the good ones are taken, etc.
When she’s dating, it’s strong and thick from the beginning. He takes her to pizza and a rock show on the first date, she takes him to a five course home cooked meal complete with candles and new silk undies on the second. She sends an endless stream of lovey dovey text messages, and feels neglected when these are not immediately returned. She’ll drive five hours to comfort you after a hard day, if you asked her to.
But none of this is free. She wants A Relationship. She wants it now. And she thinks that because she’s gone through the right motions and given it all she can, she deserves it. When the relationships fizzle, as they often quickly do, she freaks the heck out. You can expect drama, tears, maybe even threats.
Anyway, the details are a bit different. There is usually a little more drama and a little more sex, but it still boils down to jumping through hoops for someone, only to react badly when that doesn’t translate directly into true love.
Sexy! Ooh, if only I weren’t married.
Is this kind of desperate, sad behavior actually common in women though? The way the pathetic sad Nice Guy bit is ubiquitous among men? I mean, sure, there are sad women in the world, but this only happens with a small number of the saddest women there are. We’ve all probably known one woman like this on our lives, but we’ve known one bajillion guys who behave this way.
I’d say that women and men are manipulative in about the same amounts, but in general the kind of manipulation differs. Men tend to be the Nice Guy, and women are more generally the other way around – overly outgoing and flagrantly flirty in an attempt to get what they want.
(Keep in mind that you probably encounter or notice more Nice Guys than men do because you’re their target, and men probably notice more romantically/sexually messed up women because of the same).
That’s nice, but I meant are women generally butthurt, crying “Waaah, well I slept with him, so RELATIONSHIP NOW!” the way men are often “I held out the door for her, so why won’t she fuck me? NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!” I already know that all genders can be manipulative, but are women often that particular brand of pathetic? Not in my experiences, no, although I could be missing something.
Yes, I knew exactly what you meant. I gave you an answer and expanded upon it. No, I don’t think women do that as much as men. The reason I mentioned the “manipulative” thing was to make clear that I think similar behavior (trying to manipulate other people sexually and getting miffed when it doesn’t work) manifests just as well, but in a different way.
I think more women than you’d suspect might be that brand of pathetic. I’m old enough now to admit that I had tendencies in that direction when I was (much) younger. It’s less likely that a woman would be as open about it, though, since there’s more stigma attached to a woman failing to “keep her man” by using sex than there is to a man failing to “get the girl” by using fake niceness.
I’ve heard about as much “men only want one thing” from women who weren’t able to parlay a one night stand into a long term relationship as I have the *Ima nice guy *lament. Seems like the women knew exactly why they weren’t able to earn the affection and respect they felt they deserved, though. A quarter to anyone who can find a thread started by a woman pissed that the guy she had her sights set on was only interested in sex when the relationship was initially based on sex.
“He led me down the primrose path, me an innocent maid from home. And now here I am, seduced and abandoned! Unfit to bear a decent man’s children.”
You used to hear that all the time, if by “time” you meant “1906.”
Which offers hope. In fifty years time, “But I was a nice guy!” will have its equivalent to "I was the French Lieutenant’s whore!"
My observation would be that women grow past this more often than nice guys do. Female friends of mine did this in their early 20s - some guy was barely interested or even said “let’s just be friends,” but they thought if they put out he’d like them enough to have a relationship. I’ve no idea why anyone who’s ever met a guy would think that would work, but hey, they caught on fairly quickly that it was an ineffective strategy. Nice guys, however, seem stuck in a “why isn’t this working?!” mode. The “how did you stop being a nice guy” thread is mostly people that learned to pursue relationships with someone that likes them, rather than trying to convince someone that doesn’t to change their mind.
Well, there you go: “girls give sex to get love; boys give love to get sex.” Or so we were told was the law of the jungle.
Except girls soon realize they like sex. But who the Hell likes being nice? (asks cynical bastard me).
Nope, guys are faking nice just like their grandmothers faked orgasms.