The One Hit Wonder Registry Project

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sure, we all know what happens to successful pop musicians when their fifteen minutes of fame are up. Usually they license out their hit song to a trendy gen-Xer movie or maybe a Burger King commercial, then a “Behind The Music” interview on VH1 (Hits dried up, blah, blah. Drugs blah, blah, blah. Band broke up, blah, blah, blah. Only the love of my sexy nineteen year-old wife saved me from self destruction blah, blah, blah. Come see me and the ALL NEW .38 Special rocking out at the Pleasanton Fairgrounds! Whoo!!) and if their lucky a cushy retirement.

But what happens to the more marginal musicians when their fifteen minutes are up? Are the guys from A-Ha now eking out a living as squeegee guys on the streets of Oslo? Are the Men Without Hats hawking hot dogs in Heath? Is Corey Hart hustling blow jobs on the streets of Hollywood? Are the Men At Work in fact working? I want to know!!

So, please give any information you can to the One Hit Wonder Registry Project.

Acting on your tips we locate these faded celebrities, humanely chase them down and subdue them using helicopters, off-road vehicles, ropes, nets and tranquilizer darts, perform a gentle full-oriface cavity search for parasites, then re-release them into the wild wearing a discreet twelve pound bright orange radio tracking collar so that we may monitor them from afar.

Thanks to the One Hit Wonder Registry Project we have managed to protect The Thompson Twins’ natural habitat from development, saved Billy Squire from a fatal case of heatworm, and gained amazing new data on the migratory patterns of the band Toto.

Sadly, for lack of resources we were unable to save The Fixx from overhunting last year. We need you help.

So please Send Cash in small, non sequential bills to:

Inky,

Care of this message board.

Thank you.

2

Far be it from me to imply that Inky-'s “noble” efforts are really nothing more than a cynical attempt to siphon money from a concerned but misguided public. However, according to the offical registry of U.S. “One Hit Wonders”, namely The Billboard Book of One-Hit Wonders: Revised and Expanded, by Wayne Jancik, none of the groups listed in the original post are actually legitimate “one hit wonders”. [A review of the mentioned groups, including the number of top 40 U.S. Billboard hits they had: Aha (2), Men Without Hats (2), Corey Hart (9), Men At Work (5), Thompson Twins (7), Billy Squire (4), Toto (10), The Fixx (6).]

Invoking the above relatively popular group names is nothing more than a transparent ploy to attract money, since none of them actually would qualify to receive any support from this organization. Give if you wish, but just be aware that your money will really be going to the likes of: Al B. Sure!, Boys Don’t Cry, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Kon Kan, Leapy Lee, Kikki Dee, Terry Jacks, Scritti Politti, Benny Mardones, Right Said Fred, M/A/R/R/S and Zager & Evans.

3

Corey Hart had nine hits!?!?

4

Whitetho, Would you really discount all the noble work of the One Hit Wonder Registry Project simply because some of our clients had a second, marginal hit!?

Facts:

  • Men Without Hats barely got in the top twenty with “Pop Goes the World” and as we speak are rumored to be surviving solely on complimentary ketchup packets.

  • A-Ha despite a second feeble foray into the top fifty is believed to be trapped in a mysterious interdimentional “Phantom Zone” composed of squiggly charcoal lines and poor rotoscoping.

  • Toto did infact list ten hits, however most have been attributed to a calculating error incurred during America’s failed conversion into the metric system.

  • Many of Men At Work’s hits listed only in Australia, and we’re not entirely sure if that’s a country or not.

And in fact the OHWRP does protect many legitimate one hit wonders. When “Puttin’ on the Ritz” singer Taco was forced to gnaw his own leg off to escape a bear trap, the OHWRP nursed him back to health. After “Perfect Way” band Scritti Politti was found nearly drown in an illegal gill net the OHWRP helped pass legislation requiring canned tuna to be labeled as Eighties Band Safe. And who can forget the tears of joy when a fully rehabilitated “Go West” was released into the wild.

5

Wasn’t he the same dude that released another song under the name of Buster Poindexter?

This is getting hard. Somebody relieve me. (A Wallian exclamation)

6

Rysdad, you ever seen Buster Poindexter without a limp?

7

[sidebar] Anyone who is familiar with Sports writer Mitch Albom knows this story.

Back in the 80’s Mitch was trying to make it big as a musician in NY. He is an excellent pianist ( I think he wrote the score for Jingle All The Way.) The group AHA came out and made it up the charts pretty much based on their video, not talent. Completely annoyed by this, he came back to Detroit and sulked for awhile before some how ending up writing sports columns for the paper. He is the only sports writer to win the Sports Writer of the Year something like 8 times. [/sidebar]

That what does not kill me, postpones the inevitable.

8

Buster Poindexter was originally David Johansen, the singer in the New York Dolls.

And to add to the success stories Inky related, the OHWRP recently gave A Flock of Seagulls a vocational training grant and are happy to report they are now pursuing gainful careers as medical transcriptionists. Deep Blue Something, Kris Kross, and Tom Cochrane are just a few of the other one-hit wonders who now have a new lease on life thanks to the OHWRP. Your non-tax-deductible donation really does help!

TMR
Birth. School. Work. Death.

9

Ah Replica, it just makes me tear up thinking about it.

Like the day Level 42 got it’s degree in refrigeration, and when Dead or Alive was promoted to the mail sorting department…

All the skeptical Whitethos of the world will never take these successes away from us.

Inky

10

Inky, your story has touched my heart. I want to do my part, so if Natalie Imbruglia
needs a place to stay while waiting for her next chart-topper, I’ve got some spare room in my apartment.

11

Well Little Nemo, Natalie has yet to ask. However if you have the room Stacie-Q is looking for a place to crash. She promises to be very quiet, and that she doesn’t eat much (in fact none of us have ever seen her eat anything…ever).

12

Inky, I need your help.

Somewhere out there, David Essex roams free. He is the last of his kind, and I fear very much for his safety.

I will donate many, um, empty pop bottles (yeah! that’s the ticket!) to your fund if you can find him, and help him get the protection he needs.

Thanks, Inky. Yours is a noble cause.

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

13

We’ll do what we can Cristi, but we are sadly undermanned.

The OHWRP strike force has been weakened by recent disasters. Our head big game stalker Lieutenant Montgomery “Crabs” Crabtree was killed when Katrina from Katrina and the Waves snapped her restraints and charged him. And Corporal Fenster McFerret is receiving rabies shots after a nasty bite from “Tarzan Boy” singer Baltimora (who, sadly had to be put down so rabies tests could be conducted on his brain tissue).

Remember, donations are made out to:

Inky,

Care of this message board

No Canadian money please.

14

A substantial reward is being offered for information leading to the recapture of Bow Wow Wow, who recently escaped from a OHWRP holding facility outside Akron, Ohio. They should be considered extremely dangerous. If you encounter Bow Wow Wow, do not attempt to apprehend them yourself; instead, contact your regional OHWRP office (listed in your local Yellow Pages). Trained operatives are on hand to take your call in English or Spanish.

TMR
Birth. School. Work. Death.

15

Drop Dead Fred.
Did they?

16

(pssst! I think you mean Right Said Fred…Drop Dead Fred was a movie.)

Boycott Circuit City
(See my thread in the pit)

17

A-Ha appears to be alive and kicking. There was some sort of A-Ha special on TMF (The Music Factory, a Dutch music channel) this weekend, and they playes new footage. The song I saw wasn’t all that good, though.

I wouldn’t go as afr as to say they made it big because of their videos. Some of their songs are the little gems in my vast MP3 collection… "The Living Daylights, “The Sun always shines on TV” and “Stay on these roads” come to mind.

I would also like to thank the person that mentioned Tarzan Boy. I know one Canadian chick that will freak out when she reads that song title :wink:

As far as helping out goes, I herby invite the following 80’s artists to come over to my place for a hot bowl of soup and a hug - and a bath, maybe:

  • Belinda Carlisle (Heaven is a place on earth / Circle in the sand / former singer of… hmmm… it’s on the tip of my tongue, but it won’t come out);
  • Mattia Bazar (Ti Sento);
  • Kylie Minogue (I should be so lucky / Perfect / and some 10 other Stock Aitken & Waterman productions);
  • Pepsi & Shirlie (the backgroundsingers to Wham!, scored a little hit with… DAMN! My memory isn’t getting any better!).

I could go on and on and on. There isn’t much I can consider myself a real expert on, but I sure as hell am an 80’s Pop Trivia Connaisseur :smiley:

BTW, calling Toto a one hit wonder is a DISGRACE. That’s akin to calling Rush a one hit wonder: both bands sell millions of albums (more than Shittney Brears can ever dream of), and have almost no top 40 hits. That does not, IMHO, relegate them to the realm of OHW’s.

Coldfire
Likely Voted to Poster Most Drunk

WallyM7 on Coldfire:
"Yeah, he knows a little about everything because they have a good prison library."

18

Scritti Politti just released a new album, Anhomie and Bonhomie, and yes, it is brilliant. He’s been producing and DJ’ing for the last 8 years or so, so, not really a one hit wonder, just being idle.

Coldy, I’d like to challenge you for your title of 80’s music champ…

:::THWACK::: thats the glove across the face…

**Id rather be no one than someone with no one **

19

Yer on, Paddy.

OK, someone quote an obscure quote from an eighties song, and then we’ll see who reacts the fastest. Repeat 25 times. Winner is who gets to 13 first!

(Dutch and Irish folk songs not permitted.)

Fingers on the Reload-buttons!!

Coldfire
(From Azteck Camera to ZZ Top, Coldy all the way :D)

Coldfire
Likely Voted to Poster Most Drunk

WallyM7 on Coldfire:
"Yeah, he knows a little about everything because they have a good prison library."

20

Whatever happened to that Sinatra guy? Haven’t heard anything new from him in years. :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You’ll find it an effective combination.