Holy shit… me too!
Last night I dreamt of the pretty, young Dutchwoman who did everything she could to get my attention whenever I was in the grocery store where she worked in Rotterdam.
This was about thirteen years ago but I still think about her more often than I should. I remember her doing things like: upon noticing me in the checkout line across the store, suddenly leaving her post (often the cheese-counter) to grab some small item like a candy bar in order to purchase it–just to get near me in the line so she could smile at me and say “hi”.
I was in such a deep depression when I lived in the Netherlands that often I wouldn’t notice things like this. Or even when I did, I felt so down that I didn’t have the strength to pursue her (even though it would have taken less than zero pursuit effort on my part because, for some reason, she REALLY wanted to date me).
Finally one day, I decided that the next time I saw her at the store, I would ask her out–no hemming, no hawing, no beating around the bush or meekly asking for her number–I was just going to tell her straight out, “Hey. I’m going to the Blauwe Vis (or Bambu, or someplace) on Friday night. I think it’d be great if you came with me.”
I knew she would drop any plans she might have and accompany me in a heartbeat. I knew there was virtually no chance in hell that she would say no.
As I was going through the aisles, picking up my usual *Goudse kaas, Chocomel, komkommer, boerenbrood and Spa (met gas)**, I spotted Annemiek (the lass in question) kneeling down stocking some produce. A customer–a decent-looking young man about her age–was chatting with her.
“Hmm…”, my overly-analytical and rather depressed brain said, “I suppose that must be her boyfriend or some other suitor then. Funny, I never got any impression that she was ‘spoken for’… Well shit! I’ve walked all the way over here and now I’m next to her and the guy, they’ve both looked up and noticed me, and she is suddenly smiling as if she won the lottery, and he suddenly appears rather glum… what the fuck do I say now?”
I stumbled and stuttered just a bit then finally said something like: “Hi Annemiek! Hey I wanted to ask you something, actually…”
“What!!! What is it!!! What would you like to know???” She eagerly replied. In retrospect I realize she had been waiting a long time for me to ask her out–wondering what in the hell was taking me so long–and she thought I was finally about to, which indeed I had been planning to, so I said…
“Ummm… I didn’t see any of the 6-month old Gouda in the cheese case, do you know if I could maybe get some cut?” She looked at me a little disappointed, but also realized I was possibly just trying to get her away from the young man so I could speak to her in private. So she walked with me over to the cheese-counter while the Dutch youngster somewhat abjectly stayed behind.
We reached the counter, she picked up a block of the cheese I had requested. It was laying out in plain sight along with 10 other chunks just like it. She knew I didn’t care about the cheese. She smiled even more brightly, looked into my eyes playfully and knowingly and said, "So is this all you wanted to ask me about?
It’s amazing to me now. That my balls had instantly shrunk to the size of poppy seeds just because some guy was chatting up the woman who was obviously head-over-heals crazy for me. I knew it, and she knew I knew it. And suddenly I was at one of those Forks in the Road…
“Yeah. You know I always come to you with any questions about cheese. You’re the cheese expert, Annemiek!” I managed a weak smile, took the cheese from her, and quickly turned on my cowardly heel before I could absorb the shock, disappointment, and–most likely–disdain, broadcast from that wonderful face.
I suppose I saw her around again a few times–here and there, at the store or in the neighborhood. I’m sure we probably nodded or waved to each other, but nothing more.
I felt only shame at those times. As for her–what does a girl say to the man who, not long ago, she would have done anything and everything for… but who had inexplicably rejected her desire; painting every square inch of his body with the label “LOSER!!!” in bright, red paint?
*Gouda cheese; Chocomel brand chocolate milk; English cucumber; farmer’s bread; Spa brand sparkling bottled water.
