The Onion Responds To Michael Cohen's Complaint

[Steve_MB]

Back in the bygone days of 2013, The Onion published a commentary by someone speaking under the name “Donald Trump” (not to be confused with Donald Trump speaking under the name “John Barron”/“John Miller”/“David Dennison”/etc):

@'Donald Trump' 1/23/2013

My friends, everybody has their down days, and during these long winter months it is especially easy to succumb to the doldrums and find yourself in a bit of a funk. But not to fear! I have a simple tip that’s guaranteed to pick you up and get you back in good spirits in no time, and here it is: Whenever you’re feeling low, just remember that I, Donald Trump, will be dead in roughly 15 to 20 years…

Clearly, this is a message that has passed the test of time, becoming even more relevant today than it was back then. However, it had its detractors, including one Michael Cohen, who sent them a rather irate e-mail:

@Michael Cohen

I wish to call your attention to an article currently on your home page allegedly penned by Donald Trump entitled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 or 20 Years”.

Let me begin by stating the obvious…that the commentary was not written by Mr. Trump. Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism; even in your Onion.

I am hereby demanding that you immediately remove this disgraceful piece from your website and issue an apology to Mr. Trump…

The Onion has finally gotten around to responding to Mr. Cohen’s message:

@The Onion

…As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes – provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.

We believe the removal of the piece in exchange for influence over the president’s decision-making constitutes a more than reasonable deal, and we implore Mr. Cohen to meet with us without delay. We are happy to schedule around his upcoming court appearances.

[Hermitian]

It is funny that at some point someone wrote those sentences and thought to themselves, “Yea, that sounds like Trump.” Now we all know that that is WAY too elegant.

[Crotalus]

@Hermitian

It is funny that at some point someone wrote those sentences and thought to themselves, “Yea, that sounds like Trump.” Now we all know that that is WAY too elegant.

Good observation. His ghost-written books aren’t even that refined.